We need to get one thing straight. Thomas Crapper did not invent the toilet.
I shit you not. The toilet was invented by a Doctor Bartholomew Lachanophobia of Barthe. Its original purpose? The dispatchment of unwanted greens at dinner time. (Not the brown stuff.) You see, the good doctor was a learned man, but he was also a devoutly religious man, and he possessed a rather unfortunate and irrational fear of broccoli as a result. He believed it to be the devil’s tree.
Dear reader, I should probably put this into some kind of context for you.
To Lachanophobia, ordinary trees were a symbol of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil from the Book of Genesis. His mother had told him this bedtime story since he was a child. You probably know it yourself. The devil appears as a wibbly wobbly snake in the mystic Garden of Eden. He smooth talks Eve for kicks. It works. She ends up eating the fruit of the forbidden tree.
Now, one could be tempted to write her off as a complete idiot, but think back to the last time you chatted with a snake. What’s that? Never happened? Then I rest my case. How anyone could be expected to react to that kind of bizarro situation is beyond me. Still, there’s an element to all of this that’s cool. Eve may well have been the world’s first Parselmouth!
Anyway, talky devil snake convinces nude chick with no belly button to do a bad thing. She then charms a nude guy with no belly button into doing the same bad thing. Let’s call him Adam. When it looks like Adam’s going to get into trouble with God over doing this bad thing, he tries to pass the buck. “The woman made me do it! She be cray cray!” Eve, realising she’s also going to get into trouble, passes the buck. “The Devil made me do it! He be snay snay!” And when it looks like the snake’s gonna get it in the neck, he passes the buck. “Dude, I’m just a snake. I can’t actually talk.”
So, basically, God gets jack of all this and kicks them out of the garden. And he maintains the rage against mankind and snakes from that point on. Poor God. He’s just a single parent. What else can you do when your children do nothing but disrespect you and your capricious, nonsensical rules? And now, he’s always having to send Father’s Day cards to himself.
Anyway, you can imagine why Lachanophobia would not’ve been overly fond of trees after hearing this crap again and again and again during his formative years. However, breathing oxygen is better than choking on carbon dioxide, so he suffered trees to live in order that he might too. Still, this didn’t change the fact that he simply wouldn’t tolerate broccoli. To him broccolis were blasphemous, miniature bootlegs of the Eden tree. He was convinced that they were the devil’s final ‘bite me’ to God.
Lachanophobia believed that by eating these tiny demon trees he’d get possessed and buy lots of stuff off of the Home Shopping Channel or something evil like that. Television didn’t exist yet but Lachanophobia was such a visionary that he could tell crazy stuff like that was going to happen long before it actually did. And anyway, this story has no logic. So, whatevs.
Over his lifetime, Lachanophobia devised many different yet highly ineffective methods for getting rid of broccoli. As modern science now well knows—and as Lachanophobia couldn’t have hoped to have known back then—broccoli is indestructible. You can chuck it in the bin, give it to the family dog, stomp on it, run a tank over it, even nuke the bastard, but all to no avail. The very fires of Mordor will not cause it to so much as blanch. Broccoli represents evolution at its trolling best.
Now, knowing that his only hope was to get all broccolis as far away from his tremulous person as possible, this was the point at which Lachanophobia finally invented the toilet. And then he invented experimental flying monkeys. He couldn’t touch the broccolis himself. No freaking way. That’s what the monkeys were for. So, following the evening’s repast, he’d have his experimental flying monkeys remove the demon trees so that they could be flushed to lands beyond the world’s rim via this device. Logical, yes? Well. Logical until you bring experimental flying monkeys into the equation.
Unfortunately, what experimental flying monkeys see, experimental flying monkeys do, and upon observing their master laying ‘chocolate logs’ (or ‘offloading cargo’ if you want to be less crass about it) after one fateful dinner, they decided to do the same, but in the toilet instead of Lachanophobia’s customary wicker basket. When the Doctor saw that the broccolis had not been disposed of, and that the toilet and its immediate surrounds were awash with experimental flying monkey doodah, he flew into a rage. He slipped on said monkey doodah and flew out the window, plummeting to his untimely and inconvenient death. Upon seeing this, the experimental flying monkeys did likewise (even though they could fly), and were soon joined with their master in said death because… well, why the hell not? (I’m just making this shit up anyway.)
It was left to the butler then, a young Thomas Crapper (whose very existence had inexplicably been overlooked until now) to clean up the mess. As compensation to himself for having to deal with this supremely unseemly (and wildly unlikely) scenario of ick, he took out a patent for Lachanophobia’s toilet in 1852 and thusly reaped the financial rewards for the remainder of his life. And why not? Hell, I would’ve done the same.
So there you have it. That’s the real story. Not in the least bit apocryphal. Or should I say ‘asspocryphal’? Ha ha ha! Yeah. Anyway. Crapper stole Lachanophobia’s invention. That’s my point. Oh, and broccoli lives on. Godammit. Sigh. It does leave me considering one sad truth in all of this. It’s always the monkeys that suffer.
by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016
Jesus Christ….. this is some story, flying monkeys to dispose of “things” in toilet all related to religion…. You are actually a genius. Had me grinning sir Tony.
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Hee hee hee! Thanks so much! I’ve never been called a genius before, so you can imagine how good I feel right now! 😀
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That story was some funny sh..t, very creative and off the top as I like them
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Seriously laughed out loud all alone here with my dogs. 😄
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Hee hee! That’s all we could ever ask for, is a little mirth from our readers! 😛
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So that’s where flying monkeys come from! That’s what the story was about….right?
😂😂😂😂
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Erm… yes. I’ll say yes to that! 😛
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I’ve been running like a hamster on a treadmill
Accept laying on my back
it seems to me that shit
It the bucket
Was the start
Of the hat
The devils tree
Now that is interesting
I’ve danced with a snake
Once or twice
There ok if you catch them after their morning coffee
As always Sheldon
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I had no idea snakes even liked coffee. Learn somethin’ new every day! 😛
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I don’t think I have laughed so hard in a long time. Your take on events in the garden of eden nearly sent me to the hospital…or the crapper. I’m not sure which. But anyway, thanks for this freakin hilarious read…
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Hee hee! That makes me very happy that you almost ended up in the hospital… or the crapper… but didn’t! That means you get to live to read and chortle at more of my crazed nonsense. YAY! 😛
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Wow.. Great article on such and unusual topic.great work.
Please check out my blog on movie reviews as well. I m relatively new sp looking for support. Thanks
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Thanks for that.
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*fervent applause* Because regardless if cutting ‘cheese’ or ‘logs’, it’s the same sh*t…and that’s no monkey business. Bravo!
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Ha ha ha! Yes, M. You are completely correct there! 😛
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Please keep that sh*t – it’s the good kind. Such road apples have created the most fragrant of blooms…n’est pas? *giggles* This could go on FOREVER! LMAO
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Amen! 😛
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Can’t ever go wrong with dung…well, then again…
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I dig it 🙂
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I dig your appreciation of my silly writings, Morgan. Thank you! 😀
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You mean your excellent writings. You’re welcome Sweetface 🙂
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Where do you get inspiration for these? And when do you write them? If it is too bad, don’t tell me. Makes one wonder, that’s all…
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The inspiration can come at any time, and in fits and starts. Writing one of these is actually usually a long and somewhat torturous process. The results are absolutely worth it though! 😀
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