Sisu in the face of certain doom.
There’s no earthly reason why I should be feeling what I feel today. From when my head left its pillow my stomach kicked in. It’s a coil of snakes writhing and golloping me up inside. I can’t concentrate to work. I can’t let go and play. I can only churn times ten. I’m a tight knot waiting to unravel.
The years have seen many friends fall to this monstrosity at the middle of me. Emotionally, I’m just too high maintenance. I go out of my way to cover it up but at some point the façade crumbles. It always does. And then they see me for what I really am. And they get overwhelmed. And eventually they flee.
So now I lock myself away, waiting to unspool. Please, for the love of criminy, just let me unspool. I want to come unutterably and exhaustively undone. Can I rejoin society then? I’m scared of losing the two people I care most about in this world. I need to be safe. Or at least safe enough to handle.
It’s not about aggression. That isn’t why I sit in this room listening to my music. It’s about having something be louder than something else. I need to rumble the snakes out, to shake the bastards loose. To let heavy metal do its thing. Maybe it can save me from myself this time. No, seriously. As preposterous and overblown as that might sound—as metal might sound—just… just save me.
I hear the voices roaring from the speakers. I feel them thundering from beneath the earth, drowning out my insides. And even as I lay buried, my roiling innards will not be silenced. So I scream too, adding my voice to this cognitive and sonorous dissonance. It’s never been about aggression. It’s always been about survival. About letting people know I’m still buried down here. Sleep is so stupid and wasteful. I have to live. I want to live.
I see you, you things inside of me. God, you’re beautiful, but you’re sick. I know what you are. And I know you cannot have me. See? I’m lobbing a Molotov. I’m torching you, motherfuckers. I will not lose to night.
Yeah. Sisu. Sisu in the face of certain doom. That’s what I choose.
by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017
I used to visit a heavy metal coffee shop in Pittsburgh. No idea why. I’m not especially a fan of the music. (Different generation.) Maybe I liked the apparent incongruity of Def Leppard with my Americano, and fact that it was NOT a Starbucks. Maybe it cleaned my soul too. I liked the coffee and the young couple who ran it. https://www.blackforgecoffee.com/
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Sounds like my kinda joint too! 😉
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Not so often you hear the word ‘issue’ outside of its country of origin. Made me smile 🙂
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It’s such a cool, kinda mysterious word, isn’t it? 😛
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Yes it is 🙂 Aaaand ‘Sisu’ – I was bitten by autocorrect
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Powerful thoughts. Thank you~ once again, love how this was written. Also, the song! ❤ *adds to my list of favs*
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It’s such a good song, isn’t it? 😛
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yes it is! Blue Stahli’s Metamorphosis is good too! I should link it to you when I get on facebook.
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Ooh! Nice! I’d love to hear it!
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sent you the link via facebook. ^^
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Awesome! Thank you! 😀
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yeah sisu guts, courage, fight on for old norte dame, resilience, and surviving a hot sauna
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You got it in a nutshell! 🙂
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Love the way you let it fly! I think we all have a fear of letting people see all of us. Probably why we compartamentalize our life. You might want to try a flip side of heavy metal with David Lanz’s track on youtube.com of “A Whiter Shade Of Pale”.
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LOVE that song! Thank you, my friend! 😀
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Only when i “take the bull by the horns” do i evade the material world of darkness and enter the veil of creativity. I guess we should voluntarily face impending doom, to become champions of the story.
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I really couldn’t have put it better! 🙂
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“wear your scars like metals of hope.” what a profound statement.
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I completely agree. 🙂
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Insomnium fan too? Could you be any cooler without actually being a cooler?
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Alas, we’re in the midst of a heatwave here, so cool is about the last thing I feel. But, thank you! It’s nice to meet another Insomnium fan! I must admit that I’m a pretty recent convert as I’ve only known of them in the last two years. 😛
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Hang in there, Tony!
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Thanks, Gregory. I always do, I promise! 😀
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Another aspect to you I have just seen
Sense of dejavu
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I’m like an onion. Many layers peeling away… 😛
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That’s the best part of blogging.. And reading blogs
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