Christ Pisses His Life Away (Chapter Two)

1 How is it that I can heal, but not make them shut up…

2 ‘Peter! Look! He’s waking!’

3 ‘My name isn’t Peter. Why do you keep calling me Peter? I’m Simon!’

4 ‘No, dude. I’m Simon. You’re Peter.’

5 ‘No, I’m jolly not!’

6 ‘Hey, man. Chill! 7 We can’t both be called Simon. Otherwise we’d be Simon and Simon. 8 How would that work?’

9 ‘Then why don’t you change your name? Pick something else you like.’

10 ‘I like Simon!’

11 Oh, great. I think I may have come to in a storm water drain. It’s not the most dignified way to greet a new day. 12 I stir, the muck and piss swirling around me, it adding shame to the pounding behind my eyes. 13 Ugh! I feel like carpenters have set up shop in my forehead, 14 and my mouth feels like a donkey’s arse.

15 I murmur, ‘Shut up, will you? You both are bleating like old nanny goats!’ 16 They look at me, shocked, but I don’t care. 17 ‘You do realise it’s possible for people to share the same name, don’t you?’

18 The second Simon looks at the first Simon with the expression of a goat that’s been goosed mid chew.

19 ‘Hm. I suppose so,’ says the second Simon grudgingly.

20 ‘Yeah…’ allows the first Simon. ‘Check out Judas and Judas. I guess they cohabit just fine.’

21 ‘I’m Jude, you dingbats. JUDE. It’s not the same thing at all!’

22 ‘I thought you were called Thaddaeus.’

23 ‘Shut up, Iscariot.’

24 Oh my god! Why do they go on like this all the time? It’s like they can’t help themselves. Maddening! 25 Did I really hire this bunch of simpletons? I must have been drunk! 26 Oh, that’s right. I was drunk…

27 ‘Don’t tell me to freaking shut up, you great protruding camel toe!’

28 ‘I think you need some knuckle bread! Shall I give it to you?’

29 ‘I freaking dare you to give it to me!’

30 Oh, isn’t this just fabulous. 31 They look like they’re almost ready to fight. Always with the fighting! 32 At least I know what can be done to soothe them. I sigh. I get to my feet. I unzip my pants.

33 ‘Elohim be praised!’ gasps Bartholomew. He’s always gasping over stuff. He’s a gasp whore. He’ll gasp over clipped toenails if you give him half a chance. 34 ‘Jesus is about to make more wine! Thank you, O Master!’

35 ‘Yes! Share with us your Holy Spirit!’ chimes Philip.

36 These self-titled ‘apostles’ crowd around me, hands cupped and reaching. All twenty-four of them! 37 God, did they double overnight? It’s getting weird around here.

38 ‘Hey, you know what?’ says Matthew, a considered look on his face. ‘We should market this. People would lap it up!’

39 How like a tax collector. Always trying to monetise everything.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

45 thoughts on “Christ Pisses His Life Away (Chapter Two)”

  2. I am a Christian, too, and I am not offended. I like my Jesus earthy, and human…that’s the whole point of Him coming as a human isn’t it? And as far as anachronisms go, whatever happened to the privilege of “poetic license?

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    • We love ‘poetic license’ around here, Rae. In fact, we’d consider it to be the bedrock of creative writing. When nothing else makes sense, just make stuff up. As for offense, I guess that can sometimes be found in the eye of the beholder. There are certainly things that I deem deeply offensive that many others do not. It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?

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  3. Yeah I just don’t get this…I feel like I should feel insulted as a Christian but…it’s just so obvious. Spirit…piss…you’re practically making “puns.” I just don’t see the point. If it’s satire it’s lame…if it’s parody it’s just not funny (are parody and satire the same thing?).

    It’s also riddled with anachronisms. Yeshua didn’t wear pants (trousers) especially not pants with zippers. Also the disciples weren’t “apostles” yet since apostle means sent one.

    The stuff about names is interesting because the proliferation of names within the apostolic witness corresponds exactly with the census data we have from the time. There’s a veritas forum lecture on that you should look up. So the similar names is an interesting subject in itself.

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    • Hi, Aaron. We find anachronisms funny but that’s certainly a matter of personal taste. Oh, and we found the stuff about names interesting too. Such an interesting period and culture in history, don’t you think? 🙂

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  5. Tetiana & Tony: a procedural question if it pleases your court – comments 11-through-14 not standing alone – a reason I unfathom? And at other points – not always welding narrative to colloquy – similar situations obtain. The flow is so smoothly fast it detracteth not-so-much, but I do wonder. This artform – dialoging epistolalry – is amazing. You capture the tone and cant of some nice jewish boys (but with a bent bit of jealously guarded proprietary mien -left to lean on their mothers’ mannerisms – too bad they h ad to wade through so much to get to yiddish – is captured to the point it almost competes with message. More. Please. And, yes, I understand how close you skirt the edges of the stone-filled pit, but I feel Yeshua would be first to find a ladder by which to non-levitate himself to play catcher to the convinced canon-eers. I will wail when you two get ’round to Exodus: will the lions stage a protest over lambchopless Tuesdays?

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  6. You trying to get me killed Mr. Single? I had just plucked up courage to confront the Naughty Nun with part 1 and you sent this my way. I’m thinking I may post them through the convent letter box and leg it. Great work by the way.

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