So, I’m waiting at the lights for the little green man to stutter. That’ll be my signal to cross.
I’m late for the bus again, and my back is sloughing into the seat of my pants via a river of sweat. Sizzling in this heat and humidity like a piece of rump steak is no fun, and the light is searing its bad self into every cranny of my awareness so there’s nothing but blank canvas everywhere I look. Yup, I’m a squinting Mr Magoo at the Seeing Eye Olympics. On the face of the sun. Being spit roasted by Satan himself. Or I may as well be. Summer sure loves to make me its inelegant, sweaty bitch.
I can barely make out the couple in front of me. They happen, as it turns out, to be making out—I can make that much out. Oh, hang on, they’re not actually making out. They’re just holding hands, sharing adoration and kisses despite the sun’s brutal, disapproving efforts. How sweet! I can’t help but smile. Not that you’d know it was a smile. It’s more like a scrunched up, mortified towel really—one that’s been used to exfoliate Donald Trump’s junk. Well, abused more like.
We’re hearing the green man now, so we all step out onto the road. The couple are still hand-in-hand, swinging their arms in time with the endearing skip in their gaits and hearts. We’re halfway across when a horrible realisation hits me. It’s two men! Shit! TWO MEN! I immediately begin to panic. The squinting has to stop. Like. Now. What if they see my expression—the grimacey scrunch that reads nothing like a smile—and come to the conclusion that I’m hating on their public display of affection? God almighty!
I try to unsquint as much as I humanly can, only to be blinded even more. Jesus! Fuck! The pain! The light is so fucking aggressive… and, holy fuck, the tears! My face is contorting all over the place like an epileptic cow with a cattle prod up its arse. It’s a wonder I’m not staggering into oncoming traffic. Still, I’m certain there’ll somehow be blood and recriminations next.
We reach the other side, and it’s only at that point when I realise something. Not only has this couple failed to notice my wank-walk of over the top social maladjustment, they clearly wouldn’t give a damn even if they did. They’re so besotted with one another, and so at ease within themselves and their immediate surroundings that… well, so what if I existed? Hell, it’s not even remotely about me. Or about what I think, for good or ill.
I’m just lucky to have witnessed this unabashed display of affection without getting smeared up the road by a Mack Truck—you know, like red jam over toast. Gaydom’s so normal that I should be considering it a bore really, not something to be noticed and having judgements formed about. Yup, nothing to see here. Just two folks very much in love. All’s right with the world.
And that’s enough for now.
by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018
Like red jam over toast, genius! Love the story.
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Hee hee! I’m glad you liked that, my friend. Thank you for reading my silliness! 😀
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HA,HA,HA! well done good choice of words.
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Thank you very much!
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okay okay i am 17 and well i found you really inspiring and oh boy,this blog…well i am speechless.
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Aw, thank you so much! I’ve followed your blog. I can’t wait to read you! 😀
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ohmygod.thank you so much! 🙂
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😀
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The first four paras and the final two are great.
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Thank you, good sir! 🙂
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Humorous text without showing any disrespect for homosexuality. You have been able to deal with the topic with delicacy and irony at the same time, which is difficult. Love this, so hilarious: “My face is contorting all over the place like an epileptic cow with a cattle prod up its arse.”
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Hee hee hee! I’m well pleased that you liked that line! As for treating homosexuality with respect, there was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have. Thankfully, I woke up to the fact that there’s nothing wrong with homosexual people at all, which I think was partly responsible for inspiring this piece. 😀
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Ha ha ha!! Adorable!
“Summer sure loves to make me its inelegant, sweaty bitch.” this has to be my favourite line of all time… And I’m living it every day, my friend. This heat wave will kill us all! 😂💖💖🍻
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Holy god, we get some pretty awful hot summers here too, so my heart goes out to you! And thank you for your kind words. That makes me very glad! 😀
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