the hagiography of lilith’s nethers (adult readers only)

DISCLAIMER: We recently received an email from WordPress warning us that a certain site—that we supposedly run—would be closed down because we’d posted materials of a pornographic nature. They later admitted that they’d made an error and had mistaken us for that site, but we’re still feeling rather confused. Do they really think we deal in stupid porn plots? No, stupid porn plots is not our thing! Our porn plots are always witty, funny and excursive in the extreme! So, meet and greet our sweet little revenge, and further proof of our professional aptitude.

lilith, the first wife of adam
ditched him for mad ol’ saddam
then got married to travolta

but after his hepcat twist with uma
she had a fling with an oompa-loompa
this pushed her to become a nun

but the god of eden was dead boring
so lilith went and got with göring
made some smut with a minolta

they cross-dressed and they did porn
but on this lilith soon heaped scorn
after that mishap she had with a gun

with this she found no satisfaction
and indeed no sexual distraction
‘cos it merely fired pathetic blanks

so lilith made an appointment
to let god know of her disappointment
with a loud “what the actual fuck?”

then, on sunday, instead of resting
god did some vital sex toy testing
so lilith could have a proper wank

after copping many a bloody callus
god finally blessed a silicone phallus
for lilith to have and to hold… and shuck

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023

ABSURDIS EXTREME // Case Study #201 [24/04/2014]

Once upon a time, my belly was made of cookie dough. I don’t know how or why it happened. Or even when. One moment I was crushing whole anvils with mere stomach crunches, and the next I was resisting the urge to bake and eat myself.

It’s thanks to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ that my prayers were heard, and that there were suddenly peanuts and raisins in my belly! I was able to pick these out and be satiated without giving in to the horrifying temptation of chewing on my own flesh. Who chews flat dough without raisins anyway? Nobody but godless heathens, that’s who!

All this to say that this is why I believe in miracles. A real life one happened to me that day and I’ll be eternally grateful for it. I mean, what would have happened if I’d eaten my own belly? I would have had no belly left to… fill my belly. And then where would I have been? Damn. Such a scary thought!

And then they invented chocolate…