metropolises are so fucking prepared
for loneliness
every park and every embankment
every wet bench up an empty avenue
these are for your disposal
you are worse than others if
they choose them rather than you but
what about if
they do choose loneliness rather than you?
are you worse than everyone else?
by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2021
This is the story of my unfortunate and very short career in Hell. I hadn’t planned on visiting, let alone living there, but life will often throw these little surprises at you. It was so surprising that I forgot to pack some suntan lotion. And, sure, while there’s no actual sun in Hell, the Earth’s molten core may as well be the same thing.
Someone said I was lucky to be leaving the boondocks as they were miles from the nearest telephone or free WiFi—or pretty much anything really. That someone said I’d be moving to a place where hot water in the shower was no problem. That’s right. Hot water in Hell was actually hot, not like the lukewarm piss that dribbled down your face back where I came from. As a connoisseur of bathroom facilities, this was all I needed to clinch the deal.
So, no suntan lotion but plenty of hot water. What could go wrong? Well, plenty as it happens. I hadn’t counted on the natives. Those fucking feral natives! They were… well, strange. And not only because they wore iridium rings in their nostrils and braided chest hair. Nope. It was something else. It was the fact that they wore open business jackets and aviator goggles, but no pants. And they’d fly over you with those huge, leathery wings in the hopes of landing a huge shit on your head. What fucking weirdos!
Also, they were eager wranglers—like they’d been watching too many cowboy movies. I would even say it was their cacoethes (fancy word there). Firstly it scared me, then it became merely rather irritating. Being shat on then lassoed and transported to another postcode in Hell would really put a crimp on anyone’s day. The psychotic bastards just couldn’t help themselves! But I did eventually get used to it—strange as it sounds—and even realised that I could turn this to my benefit. That’s right, I eventually figured out that I might be able to use them as free transportation to work and back instead of dialing an Uber. All I had to do was steer them like I was paragliding or something. Sure, they’d probably shit on you the entire way but all I’d need to do is wear a disposable raincoat and hat to compensate for this, and change into my work uniform when I arrived at the office.
Of course, you’re going to ask how any of this concerns science. Well, it has a direct and vital correlation with science! My top priority when I accepted the offer from Hell was not hot water and free transport (even though these tipped me over into saying yes). No, it was the chance to join an unique project where the most talented scientists from throughout time—from Jabir ibn Hayyan to Ortizphine Hunterpin CCCXXV—would study the cellular dehydration and osmoreceptor stimulation of Pompeii worms. Any true intellect would eat their own hat with a side order of fries from envy!
Such a pity that I never made it there. To work, I mean. It turns out that steering a batshit crazy demon just isn’t possible. It’s like trying to wrestle a rabid wolverine towards an anger management class. So, I would spend hours trying to reach my destination, only to end up nosediving into the roof of somebody’s house—all while covered in shit, of course. Can’t forget the shit!
So naturally, I was soon kicked back up to Earth for my constant tardiness. Scientists prefer it if you’re punctual. Bureaucracy is hell, man!
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021
Caucasians at birth all the time have a grayish-blue iris as the pigmented layer solely develops progressively during the first year of life. Common examples embody spicy meals, legumes (peas, beans), and brassica vegetables (cabbages, cauliflower, broccoli).
— Innostianjam
So, are you saying that when I’m sitting down at Nando’s that I can expect to have my Super Spicy Chanakhi Surprise looking back up at me with betrayed, innocent, blue eyes as I’m trying to cut into it with a knife and fork? Now there’s a horrifying thought!
— Tati & Tony (Survival Horror Experts of Culinary Renown & Goggle-eyed Ethnogenesis)
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021
TONY: Well, that was wholly unexpected…
(Tati is poking at a socket with a screwdriver.)
TATI: Yes, fuck a duck with a Christmas tree!
TONY: Erm, no. I’d rather not, thanks. I’m still recovering from the naughty video you sent me.
TATI: What naughty video? Stop babbling, Tony! It’s a children’s television series! It’s aimed at four to eight year olds!
TONY: John the penis man? I don’t recall television ever being like that when I was growing up!
TATI: Oh, of course. Your sweet childhood when the trees were tall and green, and men were supposed to fix things in the house! How on Earth did you manage to break this, Tony?
TONY: I dunno. I just plugged my PS4 in and the socket kind of died… a bit.
TATI: PS4? I thought you had ordered a PS5… Oh. Was that the real reason, huh?
TONY: Tati, this is not Teti-à-Tête. This is a different feature. So let’s stop playing dickheads and just have a good, adult discussion here, eh?
TATI: Oh, really? Well… okay, let’s. Have you already posted the link to the video you’re so outraged by? Are our dearest readers aware of what we’re talking about?
TONY: You’re right. Just a moment…
TONY: There you go. All they have to do is click on that image. Oh, and if I’m honest, I’m not outraged by this at all. If anything, I’m just a bit speechless. What can you say about a children’s show that features a man with a prehensile penis?
TATI: It’s we, the perverted adults, that highlight certain parts of our bodies over others for shaming. Don’t you feel so?
TONY: That’s true. You don’t see a very young child reaching for a fig leaf out of a sense of modesty, do you? It’s usually only adults that get shocked over this kind of thing.
TATI: Firstly, shall we give some background for our readers, Tony?
TONY: Well, again I would encourage them to click the image above if they haven’t already done so. And as for what it is, it’s the first season of a Danish stop motion animated series aimed at young children. It features an adult male who wears what appears to be a striped bathing costume, and has a long, posable penis. (God. How many times am I going to say the word ‘penis’ in this conversation?)
TATI: You forgot to mention that it was developed together with a child psychologist—and other professionals—who reviewed the scripts to ensure that children wouldn’t misinterpret what they saw.
TONY: That’s the part that troubles me slightly. There will always be at least one child who interprets what they’re seeing in this show in a way that the experts won’t want them to. But then… what would an incorrect interpretation even look like?
TATI: Okay, while I’m thinking about a smart reply, just give me your professional opinion. I believe you previously studied animation at university, yes? Do you think this show is technically well made? Or is it trash?
TONY: I think it works well enough for the stories that the creators want to tell. It’s stop motion animation with what appears to be a mixture of cut outs and some claymation figures—I can’t quite tell. But the overall art style works because it seems to be designed to look like a toy set that a very young child might play with. Everything moves in a slightly clunky and limited way, but again this might be to enhance the whole visual aesthetic they’re aiming for. I believe this show very much appeals to quite a large younger demographic, so they must be doing something right.
TATI: So, do you feel it was really made for children? Or, rather, is it a cynical move where they’ve realised that it will be discussed by a wide adult audience? Is it a way to generate some ‘hype’?
TONY: For publicity you mean? Sure, that’s certainly a possibility. Having the main character be an adult with a… well, ‘versatile’ penis… and it’s a children’s show? That’s bound to generate a lot of discussion at the very least. Outrage even. I can imagine that many parents wouldn’t want their children to view such content, but the more attention they draw to it then the more success it is likely to enjoy.
TATI: Would you allow your children to view the show?
TONY: In a way, I’m kinda glad I don’t have children. Can you imagine having to decide whether or not it’s okay for them to watch something like this? On the one hand, I don’t want them to grow up being ashamed of their bodies, so I can see how watching this show could help them to laugh at the beautiful absurdity of the human anatomy. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to inadvertently expose them to something that could be considered wildly inappropriate. It’s a tough call to make. Would you allow your children to view ‘John Dillermand’?
TATI: Well, like you I can only theorise this. I believe our dearest readers who have children and grandchildren will give us much more reasonable pros and cons. As for me… hell, yes. I would allow them to view it. Though I am surprised that they don’t have something like a warning or disclaimer at the beginning of each episode. Even the most silly videos where people do something completely idiotic include ‘performed by professionals’ and ‘don’t try this at home’. But why don’t they explain to children that poking a penis into a lion’s cage can be rather dangerous? Or touching a bare wire? Everything looks like mere fun here.
TONY: Yes, I take your point. Mere fun with no consequences. And, actually, when you think about it, it’s a wonder that you and I didn’t immediately perish from our own stupid mistakes when we were growing up. We were children in an era that had no warning labels for anything, so we had to learn stuff the hard way!
TATI: Do you mean that it makes no sense to warn children about danger? They will do it anyway?
TONY: I expect children will do what they do anyway. I mean, we did, right? Of course, this doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t fulfill their role as caretakers, but perhaps some of the most indelible life lessons that children learn can only be done through personal adversity.
TATI: Anyway, I think there are no right or wrong answers here. Let’s try to sum this up and then our readers can add anything if they want. Do you personally say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to such TV shows?
TONY: There’s no point me saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to a show that already exists without my say so. All I really can do is raise my hypothetical children as best as I possibly can, which would include gently guiding them in their viewing choices. And, on second thought, I think I’m probably leaning more towards your earlier response. I would allow them to watch at least one episode of this, and hopefully their reaction would clue me in on whether or not they should watch any more. There you go. That’s my long-winded answer to your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question!
TATI: Okey-dokey, Tony. I think the socket is fixed now. How about we watch one more episode?
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021
I peered at a blot on the wall. It peered back at me, not blinking.
I didn’t realise that blots had eyes, but then this was no ordinary blot. As such, I wanted to get to know it better. Hell, I wanted to ask it out on a date but I guess it would’ve been considered a little odd for a gal to be attracted to a random abstract mark on a vertical structure—no matter how good looking the mark was!
A vagrant who was stepping away from the wall—zipping his dirty jeans—looked at me with surprise.
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021
