SOAPBOX TNT // Twinkle Tush

TATI: Tony, are you ashamed of your anus?

TONY: Say what now?!

TATI: It’s this little thingy between your buttocks that you use fo—

TONY: Are we talking about buttholes or little thingies?! Those are entirely different body parts, you know!

TATI: Tony, I am aware of male anatomy. Could you please be serious for a moment?

TONY: Sorry.

TATI: So… are you ashamed of your anus or not?

TONY: Oh, so this is what you call being serious, huh? Well, anyway, I’m not ashamed of my anus. But I don’t go flashing it about in public either.

TATI: Well, that’s because you just don’t know about a certain something that can make your butthole flash, twinkle and shine bright like a diamond!

TONY: Why would I want my butthole to go off like fireworks at a Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade? That sounds pretty tacky.

TATI: Tony, you’re so old-fashioned. Now even cats wear it!

(Tati takes something small out of her pocket and tries to place it in Tony’s arse.)

TATI: Boom! Twinkle Tush!

(Tony, quite naturally, jumps away in surprise.)

TONY: Winkle what?!

TATI: You’re welcome! Now you can bathe in the warm rays of fame and hero worship!

TONY: More like in a river of shit! Yuck!

TATI: You’re so hard to please! Just look at this cat. It looks so happy! You can be happy too!


TONY:
I’m not a freakin’ cat!

TATI: Well, it’s not my problem if you don’t want to be shiny and famous.

TONY: Okay, real talk here. Don’t you think it’s a form of animal abuse to be plugging up kitty bungholes? I do!

TATI: It’s not a butt plug! Just an elegant ass pendant. Do you think that is more abusive than a leash or a flea collar?

TONY: Oh! I thought it was something they were inserting in them. My mistake…

TATI: So, does this mean you change your mind and that you would like to own this shiny thing after all?

TONY: That’s a hard NO. Even if it’s not strictly abusive, it’s still as tacky as hell! And do you mean to tell me that you applaud something like this?

TATI: Honestly, I think it’s way better than piercing or tattooing animals, for example. Or docking their ears and tails for the sake of weird breeding standards that people invented for want of something better to do.

TONY: Look, since you put it like that then I have to agree. But I do think that an animal needs to have its dignity too. Is the sparkly anus cover really for its benefit or for the owner’s vanity?

TATI: Funny, the manufacturer of the Twinkle Tush says it was made exactly for keeping cats’ dignity, because they are supposedly ashamed to exhibit their naughty bits to public view.

TONY: Well, that’s not been my experience. Every cat I’ve ever met couldn’t wait to show me its anus. I never knew whether they wanted me to take a sniff or just be offended. And anyway, do cats ever think of their ‘naughty’ bits as something to be ashamed of? Isn’t shame purely a human construct?

TATI: I actually agree with you. Maybe they’ve never owned a real cat?

TONY: Perhaps not. Anyway, I think we project far too many human traits onto our furry friends. They don’t want our tattoos. They don’t want to wear cute little clothes. They don’t want anal bling! They just want to lick their genitals then go about their day.

TATI: Amen to that! Hey, where is the twinkle tush thingy?

TONY: How would I know? You were the one holding it!

TATI: You took it, didn’t you? Don’t tell me you’re not fond of tiny shiny things, Tony! I’ve seen your perverted collection!

TONY: Those are MARBLES, Tati, not glittery sphincter covers. There’s a pretty big difference, you know!

TATI: Then where is it, smarty pants?

TONY: Oh, look! See that magpie up on the roof there?

TATI: Hey! You feathery thieving freak! Bring that back right now! I paid a whole six bucks for it!

TONY: Wow. Such a wise expenditure of precious pocket money there, Tati. Bravo.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021

TATI’s & TONY’s DEAD POET TOUR // Carpe Diem by Madison Julius Cawein

Blow high, blow low!
No longer borrow
Care of tomorrow:
Take joy of life, and let care go!

 

by MADISON JULIUS CAWEIN (1865-1914)
Public Domain Poetry

NFTed

Our Dear Readers,

Do you know what an NFT is? Truth be told, we barely know ourselves! (At least Tony admits this. Tati, as always, pretends to know everything like an insufferable smarty pants.) Still, let’s attempt to define this in words we can all understand.

In a way, it was easier in the good old days, back when absolutely everything was physical. Who has it. Which one owns it. That sort of thing. But now we live in a digitised world. Our personal data can be stolen, our art can be copied and printed on t-shirts without our consent, and our songs can be swiped and shared anywhere online. (By the way, have you checked your bank account today? You sure nothing is missing?)

Let us take boobs as an example. Tony, being the pervert he is, loves to draw them entirely too much. He draws a pair, posts them on Instagram, and is happy for a while with the likes and lovely comments he’s getting… and then he forgets about the post altogether. Who owns the picture now, after it has taken up residence on the internet? Tony? Everyone? No one?

NFT Delicious 3

So, anyway, let’s return to our NFT muttons. Basically, NFTs (non-fungible tokens) are digital files that run the gamut of art, sound and video, and other kinds of creative work. But while the usual digital files themselves are infinitely reproducible, the magic of NFTs can provide one with proof of ownership. In other words, if Tony creates NFT boobs, he won’t need to prove his ownership of them, and can therefore sleep peacefully. He won’t need to clutch them to his chest like oversized pearls because they cannot be snatched away.

But this is good news not only for the perverted Tony, but also for you, Dear Readers. NFTs can be used to commodify digital creations. What does that mean? It means that boobs can now be sold in an official capacity! You can buy them like they’re the Mona Lisa or sell ’em on like they’re rarest trading cards on Earth. What an historic day for boobs!

P.S. By the way, despite our crude jokes you really can buy boobs from usOf course, this is only if you happen to have a few spare coppers in your crypto-wallet.

P.P.S. No Banksy was harmed in the making of Tony’s booby collection.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021

SPAM® Sushi #18

Caucasians at birth all the time have a grayish-blue iris as the pigmented layer solely develops progressively during the first year of life. Common examples embody spicy meals, legumes (peas, beans), and brassica vegetables (cabbages, cauliflower, broccoli).
Innostianjam

So, are you saying that when I’m sitting down at Nando’s that I can expect to have my Super Spicy Chanakhi Surprise looking back up at me with betrayed, innocent, blue eyes as I’m trying to cut into it with a knife and fork? Now there’s a horrifying thought!
— Tati & Tony (Survival Horror Experts of Culinary Renown & Goggle-eyed Ethnogenesis)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021

TATI’s & TONY’s DEAD POET TOUR // Why Fades A Dream? by Paul Laurence Dunbar

Why fades a dream?
An iridescent ray
Flecked in between the tryst
Of night and day.
Why fades a dream?–
Of consciousness the shade
Wrought out by lack of light and made
Upon life’s stream.
Why fades a dream?

That thought may thrive,
So fades the fleshless dream;
Lest men should learn to trust
The things that seem.
So fades a dream,
That living thought may grow
And like a waxing star-beam glow
Upon life’s stream–
So fades a dream.

by PAUL LAURENCE DUNBAR (1872-1906)
Public Domain Poetry