On the way back to the house. I was glad there were parts hidden by the table.
Yes, not every sawing of a woman in half ends successfully.
—Tati & Tony (Grade Repeaters of the Copperfield School of Magic)
The Ass and the Brain went to the Family Psychologist. They were having relationship issues and wanted to see if this was something that could be resolved together.
The Brain was often quite arrogant. He’d constantly remind the Ass that, in the grand scheme of things, he was more important than she could ever hope to be. And so the Ass would say, “Come down here and say that. I’ll sit on you!”
The Family Psychologist said, “Well, the Brain, let’s unpack that, shall we? What makes you feel as though you’re more important? And what do you make of the Ass wanting to dominate you by using you as her seat?”
“I have a perfect spherical shape that’s to die for!” blustered the Brain.
The Ass snickered. “Is your ‘perfect’ sphere soft and smooth like mine?”
“It has two halves!”
“That’s not what I asked,” muttered The Ass with raised brow.
Ignoring her snarky comment, the Brain puffed himself up and said, “Having two halves affords me a higher degree of processing power. I can solve complex, mathematical equations!”
“You do realise that halves come only in twos, right? Yup, my ‘two halves’ can process things as well—usually on a porcelain throne. It’s called intuition.”
The Brain frowned mightily. It was time to cite one last piece of incontrovertible evidence to support his case. “I have deep, sexy furrows! No intellect can resist me!”
The Ass sighed. She was young and springy, with no furrows, yet all the science nerds still checked her out at the library. Was it worth the bother to mention this?
The Brain visibly deflated a little as the Ass humphed and left the room. The Family Psychologist looked at him and asked the obvious: “How does that make you feel?”
Twenty years later, The elderly Ass came to the elderly Brain. She said, “Look, I have wrinkles now! Are we finally equals?” But the Brain didn’t answer. He had dementia.
MORAL: Time puts everything in its place.
TATI: Tony, again, I’m starting our discussion with the same question. Why on earth do you persist in tagging almost everything as NSFW on your personal art blog? Is it because the tortoise wears no panties? Or it has a dirty tattoo on the left buttock?
TONY: Do tortoises even have buttocks? And how do they defecate for that matter? Does a tortoise shell have a back door?
TATI: Or are you just trying to lure readers with such a cheap trick as the NSFW tag?
TONY: Naw, I just wanna be sure that people can’t complain that I didn’t warn them. Maybe I worry about that too much.
TATI: Okay, I will be a nudnik here.
TONY: What the hell is a nudnik?
TATI: Not suitable/safe for work—or NSFW—is Internet slang or a shorthand tag used in email, videos, and on interactive discussion areas (such as forums, blogs, or community websites) to mark URLs or hyperlinks that contain nudity, intense sexuality, profanity or disturbing content, which the viewer may not wish to be seen accessing in a public or formal setting such as in a workplace or school.
TONY: That pretty much sums it up.
TATI: Does this picture fall into that explanation?
TONY: I think so. Some folks could deem it a bit inappopriate ‘cos of all the blood and hurty teeth. Not everyone likes blood and hurty teeth, y’know!
TATI: That’s a laugh, Tony! Children in kindergarten draw monsters hell wouldn’t have.
TONY: This is true. And then it’s drummed out of them. They’re told to stop drawing such nonsense—which is a shame really.
TATI: Well, I don’t know if it was a good thing that your nurse didn’t take your crayon away. You could grow up and became a decent person—there’s still time. An engineer or even a manager…
TONY: Pffft! That’s boring! I’d rather be a pig mucking around in mud! At least they’re having fun!
TATI: OK… don’t worry, I’m kidding. So, what did you have on your mind when you were drawing this? How did you come up with the idea of this picture?
TONY: I realised that I have never really drawn anything horror-related before, so I wanted to give it a try to see if it was something I could do. And my art style is quite cartoony, so this was always going to be a bit of a challenge. I don’t recall how I came up with the idea though. I knew I wanted it to not have eyes. I knew that much.
TATI: It’s strange. This picture makes me wonder how this reptile attacks. It has clean belly and feet, but spattered back and snout. Does it jump, hit a victim with its shell, and land on its feet again? And noms on the victim after this?
TONY: I think you’ve missed your calling, Tati. You should’ve been a forensic scientist all along! Such technical terms! ‘Nom’ for one…
TATI: I could be. But don’t try to dance around the question, Tony! No eyes, no nostrils… How on earth does this beast find its victims? Regarding that tortoises are pretty slow animals… I suppose they can hunt only blind-deaf-mute cripples.
TONY: I guess it’s the terrapin version of a Sigourney Weaver alien. Oh, hang on, tortoises aren’t terrapins. I should get my own terms straight! Anyway, those aliens—did you see the films? Maybe this creature is like a xenomorph and it doesn’t need eyes?
TATI: Honestly? I have another association.
TONY: Well now, isn’t that just terrific…
TATI: Shall I prove the idea that this creature is unequipped enough to be considered a monster? It just suffers from some hormonal fluxes?
TONY: Oh, sure, prove away! (This oughta be good…)
TATI: Here is your proof.
TONY: Oh, good lord… A premenstrual nightmare tortoise. Kill me, please.
Dear Readers, we’ve seen many mad things made from SPAM® such as costumes, musical instruments, and even sports gear. However, we like to do even madder things with it. Is it possible to make something crazier than Sir Can-A-Lot or Can-Jo? Yes. Making answers to spam comments! Welcome to The Night of the SpamEaters®! (Don’t forget to put your bibs on!)
Baby security gates aгe typically made use of on staircases, entrances and somke uneven openings in thе residence.
Thank god for those security gates, eh? Babies are monsters, and they must be contained! Let’s stay vigilant so that we can escape this residence of evil alive!
—Tati & Tony (of the SpamEaters® Initiative)
(Anybody need seconds?)
TONY: What on Dawkins’s green earth are you doing?
TATI: I’m cleaning the folder with Splog™.
TONY: Splog™? I’ve no idea what that is.
TATI: I use it to get rid of blog spam.
TONY: Tati, I’ve told you a million times… You need to use Spamdex™. It’s much better!
TONY: SPAMdex™. You really need to work on your pronunciation.
TATI: Okey dokey… Spandex™.
TATI: Don’t piss me off. We need to do the next post!
TONY: Of course, of course. But first let’s see to our responses…
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And the Oscar goes to… Tati & Tony!
– The Blessed are They Who La La Believe League
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– The What is Natural is not Dirty League
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