PERFECTION IN ACTION // The High Art of Bargaining

He said, “Just look at his rather noble profile! You can hang this above your fireplace and tell everyone it’s your Grandfather. Thirty euros only!”

She thought, “I hated my Grandfather when he was alive, and I hate him now, so why would I want a painting of him above the fireplace I don’t have? And it looks nothing like him!”

But out loud she said, “Just look at my rather peasant nose. It’s an artichoke! Who’d believe that this refined gentleman is my Grandfather? Fifteen!”

He grimaced, saying, “You’re right. I can sell it for five.”

She punched him.

Artichoke Man

© All rights reserved 2023

PERFECTION IN ACTION // A Morning Call to the Vice Squad on Valentine’s Day

Giraffe felt quite offended today.

He’d been accused of peeping. Peeping?! All he’d done was pass a skyscraper on his morning stroll and seen two chimpanzees going at it through a fifth storey window. It wasn’t his fault they hadn’t bothered to close the curtains before their lustful bedroom tryst.

He’d turned away, of course, so he couldn’t be held responsible for happening to lay eyes on two dragonflies shagging near said window!

Then he’d lowered his eyes to the ground. Two horny shrews were bonking like there was no tomorrow.

What the hell was a poor Giraffe to do?

Vice Squad Valentine

© All rights reserved 2022

PERFECTION IN ACTION // The Scientific Substantiation of the Theoretical Aspects of the Perfect Seasonal Shape

I’ve given this topic a lot of thought. I’ve examined the ancient treatises and latest research. I’ve compared, pulped, sniffed and even licked them a little bit. And now I know the perfect shape for the perfect Christmas toy. So, you’d best don your Rudolph antlers and noses, grab yourselves a shot of brandy, and lean into what I’m about to say…

I’m not kidding by the way! Please don’t take this flippantly! It’s a very, very serious topic! One day, this information could save your entire Christmas.

The perfect shape for the perfect Christmas toy is a ball. Period.

Xmas Shape

© All rights reserved 2022

100 WORD SKITTLE // Pranayama

It’s hard to breathe with your feet. After all, they’re usually pressed to the ground. You can’t run, jump or dangle them all the time. That’s why you can sneeze and choke.

Same with your hands. They’re so eager to roam around and touch everything. But you’re doomed to wash them repeatedly, trying to keep them clean. That’s why you can splutter and suffocate.

Same with your arse. (We’ll trust you with the reasoning on this.)

So, it’s better to pull your nose out of others’ business and use that for breathing instead. Hasn’t it been Nature’s plan all along?


© All rights reserved 2022

PERFECTION IN ACTION // The Omeletted Life

There’s no such thing as the perfect birth when an egg gets cracked in the process.

On the other hand, how to get born without some generous slaps to one’s silky-smooth bottom? Gotta spill some precious yellow soul to learn that life won’t be easy—best to get acclimated to that fact right away.

The cracks over one’s shell become like wrinkles on a face over time. They’re signs of wisdom and emotional endurance. Some fragility is to be expected.

And it affords all the King’s horses and all the King’s men a reason to buy shiny new glue guns!

The Omeletted Life

© All rights reserved 2022