PERFECTION IN ACTION // Gendered Fight

“You misunderstand.” The blue butterfly took another sip of nectar. “You’re clearly out of the loop!”

“Sure, ‘mansplain’ it to me then.” The butch lesbian stag beetle rolled her eyes. “You cis male types always know better.”

“Your so-called ‘self-sufficiency’ is just for lack of a real man in your life.” The blue butterfly hiccupped, wiggling his antennae in a faintly imposing manner. Nectar dripped onto the bar counter.

Later that day, the butch lesbian stag beetle’s friends asked about the blue butterfly lying beneath the bar counter in a pool of vomit.

“Oh,” she said. “That’s called ‘self-sufficiency’. Apparently.”

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

PERFECTION IN ACTION // Mod Cons

They say the pyramids are perfection itself. Are they though? Let’s look.

No balconies. Where are the pharaohs supposed to dry their gilded gruds?

No windows. Can their indoor pot plants flourish without sunlight?

No wallpapers or furniture. How will their cats sharpen their sacred claws?

Speaking of cats, let’s take a leaf from their book. They like cardboard boxes, yes? Do you see cardboard boxes inside the pyramids? No! Only piles of rotting papyrus with strange doodles.

Cardboard boxes belong outside with their flaps open. Compact. Portable. Humble mansions with natural air conditioning. Now that’s perfection. Not silly pyramids!

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

100 WORD SKITTLE // Flies & Zips

I’ve just realised why some avoid stepping on cracks in pavements. The genius of this explanation lies in its simplicity. Wait ’til you hear it. It’ll blow your mind!

Oh, hold on, guys. My pants fell down. I’ll return to cracks in a moment…

Okay, so… cracks. Modern pavements are made from concrete that includes fly ash. You follow? Flies? Zippers? There’s a connection, right?

For the love of… now my zip’s too tight. Gotta handle this before it squeezes cracks in my nadgers

Regarding pavements… oh, wouldn’t you know it! My one hundred words’re up already. Next time, guys!

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

100 WORD SKITTLE // Queue Jumper

It rolls aggressively into my foot. Typical armadillo.

“Hey, you! Move your ass! You’re not alone here!”

I snort derisively, but lift my foot away. Minor turds aren’t worth the bother. I turn to leave.

“Social distancing rules still apply, asshole!”

Okay, now you’re gonna get it. I never lift my foot in vain.

I do a quick assessment of my surroundings, factoring in wind resistance, gravity, and a buxom lady at the cashier’s desk. I aim my foot at the soft, pink ass of this socially responsible shitbag.

The distancing between us will soon be perfectly social and safe.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

PERFECTION IN ACTION // Aesthetic Feeling

It was the blackest black. The roundest round. Nothing in the known universe could match its immaculateness. He stepped back and admired his handiwork one more time. If only someone else had been here to witness this monumental moment…

Darnel closed the toilet lid.

He reached out to flush, but stopped halfway. No way could he do this. It’d be a culture crime. Like splashing acid onto the Mona Lisa’s face. Like scratching ‘fuck’ on the ancient stone foundation of an Egyptian pyramid.

Darnel opened the toilet lid.

What to do? Oh! Instagram it! The world could thank him later.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020