PERFECTION IN ACTION // A Bitchin’ Assistant!

She was the best caddie ever. And not only because she carried my clubs.

She knew pin placements. Helped me locate every hole with ease. Knew how to handle my flagstick. Even cleaned my balls whenever I finished.

No idea where she’d acquired such skills, but she was a pro. I still wonder why she chose to chip in with me as my performance was rarely to par.

But she always believed in me. Whenever she flashed that smile with her long, pink tongue lolling about. Whenever she wagged that tail.

I felt like the best player on the field.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021

100 WORD SKITTLE // Hard to Be a God

Boreas ogled me knitting his grey, shaggy eyebrows. My naked skin crawled. I hated this, but it was better than ironing his creepy snake feet.

“Why must I do this, you old pervert?”

“Because, Orithyia,” he leered, “I enjoy watching you knit clothes that I’ll never let you wear.”

“Good! I’d sooner blow my brains out!”

“So dramatic!” tutted Boreas. “Makes no difference to me.”

The phone rang.

“Yes!” I barked into the receiver. “Oh, hello Mum. Of course.” My voice softened. “Pete and I can order pizza for you. No, we’re not busy. Nothing interesting ever happens during lockdown!”

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021

PERFECTION IN ACTION // Hard to be Turd

I lifted the seat lid and peeped inside.

“Do you really think you’re the main cheese here?” I asked, shaking my fist into the darkness.

“Yes.” The voice was calm, deep. “I was here before your Father was a tiny seed.”

“But you’re poo?” I’d meant that as a statement of fact. “How could you exist before Father? It isn’t possible.”

“I’m the Perfect and Mighty Poo. The Cycle of Life. The Alpha and Omega.”

I shrugged, and then flushed.

Someone knocked. “Oh, I’m sorry, are you occupied?”

“Nah.” I wiped my hands then reached for the door. “I’m done.”

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021

100 WORD SKITTLE // Sweet Josephine

I threw that huge pink diamond into the corner and swore.

“What? Trash again! Not what I need!”

“Forgive me, Mr Tutin,” mewled Prump. “It’s the best in my collection!”

I don’t need sissy luxury shit! Give me a tough, solid, male piece of crap! Like a horse!” I shook my fist in his dopey face. “Give me an Adonis of the horse world and I’ll happily ride its brains out!”

Prump went over and picked up the diamond, blew the dust off, then pocketed it.

“Some people prefer unicorns, you know,” he huffed sulkily before leaving the Gremlin library.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021

100 WORD SKITTLE // The Supermarket Algorithm

Shoebill was clacking her massive beak in Capybara’s face again.

“I. Said. One. Carton. қымыз. You. Are. Stupid. Mammal.”

She was always clacking in Morse code. You know, instead of communicating normally and just saying shit. Normally.

Anyway, Capybara was rather embarrassed now, like any man in the face of tough woman’s logic. Had he not followed her request, step for step? “Can you go down to the store for a carton of қымыз?” she’d clacked. “And if they have coconuts, get four.” So, what was the problem? The store had coconuts, so he’d gotten four cartons of қымыз.

Simple!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021