TATI: Tony, I believe you can be considered a professional artist, yes?
TONY: I guess I can. I might not make much money from what I do but I certainly take it seriously.
TATI: How much money have you made with your art? Do you remember the biggest amount you ever received?
TONY: I do believe it was two Scribbean melamine dollars back in 1996, which was quite a payday for a young, starving artist working out of a cardboard hovel in an inner city red light district.
TATI: Scribbean melamine dollars? Red light district?
TONY: Oh, that’s industry talk for failure. Don’t worry about it…
TATI: No, I’m curious now. I need to hear the entire story.
TONY: There’s not much to tell. I was a starving artist in a cardboard hovel.
TATI: But I see you’re still alive and even have a pretty notable belly.
TONY: Yes, I’ve managed to live off of this belly for many a year now.
TATI: Well… anyway, I wanted to ask your professional opinion. (If we can be agreed that you’re a professional artist.)
TATI: Is it art?
TONY: Oh, I’ve heard of this…
TATI: You’ve heard of this. Awesome. It means you can hear, even though you’re deaf. But it looks like you haven’t heard my question.
TONY: Is it art? Yes, I heard your question, smarty-pants! As for the banana taped to a wall… well, do you think it’s art?
TATI: Tony, don’t turn this around. I asked you first!
TONY: Well, I guess it is art. Maybe. I don’t know. I mean, someone did end up paying $120,000 for it. Real dollars by the way, not melamine ones.
TATI: Why don’t you do this then?
TONY: Stick fruit to walls?
TATI: Yep. Why spend days and weeks toiling over drawings? Why sweat over your silly comics month after agonising month? Tape bananas to walls and enjoy platinum-plated baguettes and brie for years to come!
TONY: Well, I suppose it should have been obvious the day I tripped in a food hall and my McJolly’s Super Happy Meal ended up all over that rather bland ‘Exciting New Store Coming Soon’ sign. I really should have put two and two together and started throwing all kinds of shit against vertical surfaces. I mean, instant riches right there, am I right?
TATI: I hear sarcasm in your voice when you say, “All kinds of shit.” So, you admit it isn’t art, but rather shit? Or is it just jealousy speaking that someone else made money, even from shit?
TONY: Oh, definitely jealousy. My problem is that I’m not enough of a lateral thinker to come up with a genius idea like that!
TATI: Tony, you have an amazing ability to blab endlessly and say nothing useful. Can you just answer the question, please? Is this fucking art or fucking shit?
TONY: Alright then! It’s a fucking art that someone taped fruit to a wall and duped some dude out a shitload of cash! Satisfied?
TATI: The art of manipulation? The art of fraud? The art of proving the world is sick and can’t distinguish between what is real and what is fake?
TONY: Pretty much. Kinda like when guys choose fake boobies over real boobies. Same principle.
TATI: So, it can’t be considered a real piece of art? In a good, classic ‘art is a diverse range of human activities in creating visual, auditory or performance artifacts (artworks) that express the author’s imagination, conceptual ideas, or technical skill, intended to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power’ kind of way?
TONY: That was quite a mouthful.
TATI: If you don’t have a clear opinion, my hesitating friend, then let’s ask our dear readers. I hope they can find a clearer position on this than you.
TONY: Sure! Why the hell not?
TATI: Bachelor of Visual Arts.
TONY: I’m sorry?
TATI: You have a Bachelor of Visual Arts.
TATI: Your art has even featured in a comics exhibition at the Museum of Modern Art in Rijeka, Croatia.
TONY: Erm… yes.
TATI: You’ve contributed to various comics anthologies.
TONY: Also yes.
TATI: All of this hard work and critical acclaim has led you to… this?
TONY: To what?
TATI: Shame on you!
TATI: This drawing of a goo goo muck with blood all over her tits!
TONY: Goo goo muck?!
TATI: A vampire woman!
TATI: Tony, this drawing is not art! It is complete shit!
TONY: I beg your pardon?!
TATI: You have thirty seconds to convince me otherwise. Tick tock!
TATI: Well? I’m waiting!
Tony turns to the Unbolt Me readers. His voice drops to a whisper.
TONY: Help me out, guys…
We are forever thinking of new ways to delight and entertain our audience. Many of you know already—and if you don’t, we hope this will be a pleasant surprise—that we not only write different strange texty stuffs but we also produce strange comicky stuffs!
So, given that boredom is the enemy of blog readers everywhere, we have taken it upon ourselves to present to you our new comic strip ‘Trottersville’. Well… technically speaking, it’s not completely new. Tony produced some original versions of this series more than ten years ago. One version was presented to the internet in black and white, and another version was in colour. It seems that he couldn’t resist the perfectionist’s obsessive need to refine and refine and refine. Ah, the mad, balmy days of youth!
Over the years that followed, this series got buried under heaps of exciting new plans and projects, but then Tati entered the room and flipped the script—in a figurative and literal sense. She saw the potential in this funny little piggy comic, and pestered Tony into bringing it back to life. And so a ‘restoration’ project of sorts was born. ‘Trottersville’ would shine again!
We like to think that the series has been further refined with this latest incarnation. Whole strips have had their scripts tweaked or rewritten from the ground up. All strips have been completely redrawn by Tony and coloured with the able assistance of Tati. Yes, even Tati couldn’t resist the urge to join in on the fun of making comics, and it turns out she’s a natural! We hope you like our work!
So, if you’re as excited as we are—and we’re pretty freaking excited!—and you wish to see our brand spanking old/new creation, you’re very welcome to join us at these online digs:
We plan to update these sites with a new episode of ‘Trottersville’ every Saturday, and all of them will be open and free for everyone. Sounds too good to be true, yes? But it is true!
Oh, and there will be a special surprise for our dear patrons. In addition to a new, shiny-as-fuck penny of a strip in your Patreon mailbox every Saturday, we’ll also provide the original black and white counterpart that was created by Tony back in the good old days. And we will be utterly delighted to hear what you think about our hellbent, unkosher adventure in general. Holy crap we’re excited!
Strap yourselves in, guys. It’s gonna be an oink fest!
Your Tati & Tony
PS: By the way, Tati is also hard at work translating the series into Russian. This is something that makes Tony feel insanely happy because he loves seeing strange looking pigs say ё, ю, ж and other funny symbols in speech bubbles. Maybe you will love this too. Stay tuned!
TATI: It looks like you’re obsessed with Gorgons, Tony.
TONY: Only insofar as they’re fun to draw. Especially this one!
TATI: Yes, I saw you had a lot of fun with this. Is this a man or a woman, by the way?
TONY: A woman. Stheno was the oldest of the three Gorgon sisters. She was immortal too.
TATI: Hmmm… so, it’s not a bunch of penises here…
TONY: Nope. Just a bunch of pubic snakes that would be very unfriendly to one if it ever got close.
TATI: Now it’s getting interesting, Tony! So, do you have a theory about Gorgon physiology? Every hair is a snake? Not only the hair on their heads?
TONY: Exactly. Everywhere there would usually be hair, are snakes instead. So, it stands to reason they wouldn’t have any form of hair removal. No Brazilian wax for Stheno!
TATI: I had hoped for this answer, Tony. Now I’m going to have fun!
TONY: That sounds… ominous.
TATI: Hee hee hee…
TONY: Now you’re scaring me.
TATI: Question number one. Her brows. Where are the snakes?
TONY: Oh, she plucked them.
TATI: Plucked? But plucking doesn’t get rid of all the hair. It only makes the brow a different shape, or thinner. There would still be snake heads there.
TONY: Okay, then Gorgons don’t have eyebrows.
TATI: But I see them on your drawing!
TONY: Oh, shit. Erm… Those are cosmetic tattoos!
TATI: And what about the lack of armpit hair?
TONY: Laser hair removal!
TATI: But moments ago you said something about no Brazilian wax for Stheno!
TONY: Next question!
TATI: Hm. Okay. Your wish is my command. What kind of black liquid is that dripping around her feet?
TONY: That’s blood from a… well, penis. It got too close. Can you see it lying there in the middle?
TATI: Oh, so this blob is a penis? I was sure it was her reflection in the water. Or a part of her left leg. I dunno.
TONY: Nope. It’s a penis. A willy. Man’s bouncy ball buddy. A one-eyed wonder weasel. Hitler’s salute. A salty pube kebab.
TATI: Okay, you can stop phallomorphologising, Tony. I got it. It’s a penis.
TONY: Well, I didn’t want there to be any ambiguity.
TATI: Where’s the head?
TONY: Erm. What?
TATI: The head, Tony! The man’s head! His noggin. Pate. Bean. Dome.
TONY: Oh! I thought you were still referring to the penis!
TATI: Sigh. It’s plain to see where your thinking centre is located. I’m referring to the upper part of the human body that (usually) contains the brain.
TONY: Are you saying that there should be a man’s severed head at Stheno’s feet?
TATI: Of course! Let’s speak sense, shall we?
TONY: Well, I could have put one there, but I felt that a severed penis would be a more powerful statement of her independence and ferocity.
TATI: But a man approaches Stheno with an obvious intent to copulate. (I don’t comment on his taste though. They say never speak ill of the dead.)
TONY: Perhaps he was attracted to thickset women with unmanageable hair? I don’t know!
TATI: Obviously, his head was equally as close and important a target as his penis. Agreed?
TONY: Well, yeah! What’s your point? Are you saying I should have drawn a severed head instead of a severed penis?
TATI: No. I’m just trying to be logical. At the same time Stheno’s lower serpentry was busy with his penis, her higher serpentry would have been busy with his head. But, for some strange reason, the snakes on her head look clean and pretty relaxed. Do they have a different attitude toward men?
TONY: Maybe her ‘higher serpentry’ was tied up in a neat little bun at the time? I don’t bloody know! I just drew the damn thing. I didn’t think too much about the logic of it all!
TATI: It’s evident that you didn’t think at all, Mr Artist. Let me tell you how it should loo—
TONY: Oh. Fucking goody.
TATI: The serpents on her head should be dripping with blood also, and the man’s severed head should be laying somewhere around.
TONY: Somewhere around, huh? What if it’s just out of shot? Did you think of that? Huh? Did ya?!
TATI: Of course! Her posture, actually, can point to the possibility that she has just kicked the head off his shoulders—like a soccer ball—and her happy expression can mean that she scored a goal.
TONY: See? I didn’t need to draw a man’s severed head after all. There’s a perfectly legitimate story behind its absence.
TATI: Well, I’ve just explained it, Tony. What would you do without me? Those angry art critics would tear you apart with their tricky questions!
TONY: Really though? It’s not like they’re even paying any attention.
TATI: Yes, they are! And we need to invent an explanation of why the snakes on Stheno’s head are clean. Only then will I allow you to post this picture on your Instagram.
TONY: Oh, I’m sorry, your highness. I didn’t realise I needed your permission!
Guess what? I’ve gone and done the unthinkable, and re-recorded episode twenty-five of The Crumbcast. Joining me for this reboot is my wife Cassy whose talky talky abilities far exceed my own. Seriously, she knows how to keep a conversation going when all I tend to do is waffle on like a prat. She’s got the gift of the gab, you could say. And, actually, Tati and I have often discussed the possibility of making Cassy our agent…
“So, why redo this instalment of the podcast?” you may or may not be asking. Truth be told, I was deeply unsatisfied with my previous effort, and felt it would be better to have someone to conversate with. My recording experiences with Peter have given me a taste for this, and so I’ve decided to continue in this vein. And anyway, does anyone in their right mind really want another long, tedious, rambly monologue by me? Of course not!
So, what do we talk about this time? Well, what don’t we talk about! Let’s see… The Crumble Cult strip ‘Subversive Element‘. Blue hair. Tattoos. Sluts. How to make a sister write your comic for you. Hell, social mores and more! Y’all are gonna have a great time with this one, and mostly because my better third is so utterly intelligent and engaging!
Oh, and please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. And maybe even leave a question you’d like us to answer in the next Crumbcast. We can’t promise that we’ll be able to address everything, but we’d love to try! So, go ahead. Ask!
PS: To listen to the podcast, click on the image below. Yes, it’s real magic in the digital world, I tells ya! No pesky sciencey stuff here!
by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2019