SPAM® Sushi #6

I announce your letter for letter all over and over, but its euphonious medicament cannot eject my breast.
— RunakMl

 

This is the first consumer complaint we’ve ever gotten, so you can colour us surprised! Neither Wonder Woman nor Lady Gaga have reported issues with ejecting their breasts while using our particular brand of ‘euphonious medicament’ (to use your words). Of course, if you’re completely unhappy with the results, we’d be happy to refund your money. Naturally, we’d first need to ensure that you’ve followed the enclosed instruction leaflet to the letter. For maximum breastal ejectage, the rigorous steps and safety standards outlined therein must be strictly adhered to. Even with our patented and FDA approved aural ointment, expelling mammary glands from one’s own person is still not an exact science. Thank you for alerting us to the issue you’ve had with ejecting your breast. We’re sorry that you’ve been unable as of yet to attain the flat-chested results you desire. Perhaps if you rubbed some more on? You can always contact us again if the problem persists.
— Tati & Tony (Qualified Pharmaceutical Noise Wizards of Breastacular Evacuations)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2019

SPAM® Sushi #5

Great Post, I love this, you give me a exciting.
— Maurice Neumayer

Exciting what?! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING US!
— Tati & Tony (Adepts of Excited Exits and Exited Excites)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

SPAM® Sushi #4

Singing worship songs is sweet however. That’s not the one option to worship. Daddy mentioned, perhaps to make Larry stop singing. There are lotѕ of ways to worship.
—Lon

Well, maybe it wasn’t a great idea for Daddy to expel little Larry Flynt from the church choir because look at what he’s doing now. It seems there really are a lot of ways to worship!
—Tati & Tony (Association of the Malicious, Evil & Nefarious)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

SPAM® Sushi #3

Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You definitely know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your site when you could be giving us something informative to read?

—Gold

Dear Gold,

We understand your noble indignation. Of 468 published posts and 12 published pages, there can be found 1 video (0.21%), 10 audio posts (2.08%), 14 art posts (2.92%) and 455 text pieces (94.79%). You’re so right! That percentage of video posts is shockingly high!

And you know what else? Literally two days ago, we posted a 2nd video which bumped the aforementioned percentage up by a factor of two! SCANDALOUS! This is completely unacceptable for a blog that shamelessly bills itself as a ‘literary asylum’!

Please be assured that we are now hanging our heads in shame, and shall return to our padded cells without our customary cups of hot cocoa. We need to think long and hard about what we’ve done. There might even be self-flagellation and some disciplinary botty spanking too.

—Tati & Tony (Videographers of Extreme Deceitfulness)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

Eugene (P.S.)

Hullo, dearest Writers and Readers,

It’s Tati. (Yeah, I’m still here and can speak too. Shocking news, isn’t it?)

Usually I prefer to stay backstage at Unbolt Me, hiding in my cozy, dark corner and letting Tony shine onstage to bask in the warmness of your love. But please, don’t think I’m indifferent to what happens here. I do care.

You can be sure that every day I open WP Admin with bated breath and fingers crossed. I bite my nails, in a state, wondering if you’ll love our newest post or hate it. I read every single comment. Do you still read and support us? Do you still want us here?

Well… Honestly, when I was writing Eugene I didn’t expect such great feedback. I thought it was just another story, just the next post on Unbolt Me. I was wrong.

Let me wholeheartedly thank all of you for every like, comment, and reblog. I felt your emotions and was truly moved by your sincere concern. That’s why I decided to write this post. I thought it would be churlish of me to keep you in the dark about this story. I decided to lift the curtain over Eugene and answer some of the questions that were brought up in the comments section.

Okay, so here we are…

Q: What I want to say to you I’m not sure you’d take well so I’m not saying it.

A: Hmmm… Why not, Crystal? Please, don’t hold it inside. I promise not to bite you.

Q: Great story, true, or not, or ‘based on’…

A: Dear Alli, this is a real story. I adorned it with some artistic details, but you can be sure that all characters and events are entirely true.

Q: You can’t leave us hanging like that! Did you meet him again?

A: Yes, Tanushka. I saw Eugene a couple of times after this. Once I saw how he walks. It really drags at the heartstrings. He’s so stripped to the bone, so weak. I doubt he can even stand without his crutches, not to mention walk.

Q: Did you ever speak to the man again?

A: Unfortunately no, Cher. I wanted to stop, but something prevented me every time. In the last few weeks Eugene hasn’t been sitting in his usual place—I think because it’s getting colder. I hope to meet him again.

Q: I hope Eugene keeps doing his embroidery for a long time.

A: Dear Kat and Ellie, I sincerely hope he will! He has a splendid talent.

Q: I’m sure Eugene is an inspiration for many people.

A: Katharine, I’m with you on this. At the very least, he inspired me to write this story. And it looks like it has inspired many people who have read this story. It makes me so happy!

Q: Maybe Eugene is a supernatural geezer as well.

A: I can bet, Artie, that he is!

P.S. The photo of Eugene in the original post was my own. I was a bit too shy to take it openly, even after we’d had a conversation. I stepped aside, pretended to look for something in my phone, and took some sneaky shots like a coward. Sorry, Eugene.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2017