Today I dreamt that I’d crapped my pants off. Yes, pants full of warm, steamy poo down around my ankles. The kind of poo that comes out of you like toothpaste from a tube.

Being an optimist, I googled what good things this could mean. Scrolling through dozens of sites revealed meanings from ‘Problems with money should be anticipated’ to ‘Your financial status will significantly improve in the near future’.

Naturally, none of these happened. I’m a performing circus chimp with clown pants. I don’t need money, just a nice big banana to provide that extra roughage my diet needs.