a body
filled with organs,
bones, muscles, tissues,
and a whole lot of issues,
yet i still feel so empty.
no protein, no creatine
no caffeine, no adderall
has given me enough energy
to have emotions
without feeling small.
even though my emotions
have always been intense
growing up i tried my hardest
to hide them and now
I’m left with the damage.
by NOELLE
© All rights reserved 2022
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Dear Reader, the stuff that was originally posted here has been removed.
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by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2015-2018
Sisu in the face of certain doom.
There’s no earthly reason why I should be feeling what I feel today. From when my head left its pillow my stomach kicked in. It’s a coil of snakes writhing and golloping me up inside. I can’t concentrate to work. I can’t let go and play. I can only churn times ten. I’m a tight knot waiting to unravel.
The years have seen many friends fall to this monstrosity at the middle of me. Emotionally, I’m just too high maintenance. I go out of my way to cover it up but at some point the façade crumbles. It always does. And then they see me for what I really am. And they get overwhelmed. And eventually they flee.
So now I lock myself away, waiting to unspool. Please, for the love of criminy, just let me unspool. I want to come unutterably and exhaustively undone. Can I rejoin society then? I’m scared of losing the two people I care most about in this world. I need to be safe. Or at least safe enough to handle.
It’s not about aggression. That isn’t why I sit in this room listening to my music. It’s about having something be louder than something else. I need to rumble the snakes out, to shake the bastards loose. To let heavy metal do its thing. Maybe it can save me from myself this time. No, seriously. As preposterous and overblown as that might sound—as metal might sound—just… just save me.
I hear the voices roaring from the speakers. I feel them thundering from beneath the earth, drowning out my insides. And even as I lay buried, my roiling innards will not be silenced. So I scream too, adding my voice to this cognitive and sonorous dissonance. It’s never been about aggression. It’s always been about survival. About letting people know I’m still buried down here. Sleep is so stupid and wasteful. I have to live. I want to live.
I see you, you things inside of me. God, you’re beautiful, but you’re sick. I know what you are. And I know you cannot have me. See? I’m lobbing a Molotov. I’m torching you, motherfuckers. I will not lose to night.
Yeah. Sisu. Sisu in the face of certain doom. That’s what I choose.
by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017
You’re out for
a walk every day
buttoned from
throat to knees
the hood pulled over your head
Man-in-Heavy-Sheath
You’re untouched
by the Sun and rains
You’re sheltered
You’re secure
Nothing can hurt your soft pith
Man-in-Heavy-Sheath
But one day
one beautiful day
a strange rain
flecked your coat
You didn’t care, you were careless
Man-in-Heavy-Sheath
You got home
You hung your wet coat
on a hook
and you missed
shimmering rainbow spatters
on your heavy sheath
Next morning
you put on your coat
buttoned from
throat to knees
and went out into the street
Man-in-Heavy-Sheath
A few steps…
and… what the devil?
You felt how
the Sun heats
your back… Something strange happened
with your heavy sheath
You’re so scared
You run to your home
You should clean
You should wash
You can’t let the Sun disturb
your soft pith again
You can’t sleep
You have a nightmare
how you walk
stark naked
and the most horrible thing
that you feel happy
Next morning
you put on your coat
buttoned from
throat to knees
Oh, poor Man-in-Heavy-Sheath…
can’t you believe? Still?
Day-by-day
you pace the small room
Night-by-night
you don’t sleep
You must forget this feeling
You must recall it
You’re drained by
fright and exhaustion
You’re ready
to end this
You run through an open door
like a suicide
You come round
naked on the road
You feel how
the Sun strokes…
and the most horrible thing…
Hey! Say it out loud!
…I sit here
happy and guilty
Should I say
“I’m sorry”
for spattering you with love,
Man-lost-Heavy-Sheath?
by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2015
My cold-blooded and weeping heart
pressed against my chest, hard
Feelings intertwined with quilt
An empty glass never filled
Lose me once and I’ll never return
I need you for longer than now
It looks like I’m not the only one that still has to learn.
vaguely I remember her
A face beautiful, like her
personality
her attractive individuality.
She sat alone on the stairs of the church closed down
For no one believed in God
Everyone had their reasons she tought.
But she knew she was lying
and I walked by
Offered her the comfort of my warm home
I told her not to be scared
I told her that she didn’t have to be alone
and I offered her some tea
“with sugar” she pleased
I smiled and poured it in
The start of a beautiful sin.
And we did not kiss
and we did not touch
we just talked the night away
let our problems astray
Then she left me
and never returned
bound to find her
but i had learned
I was alone
sitting on the stairs of the closed down church
Something hard hit my back
It was the door
opened
by a woman in that crack
It was her
Tea with sugar?
she asked.
by POETIC DEPRESSION
© All rights reserved 2015
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