TATI: Tony, I have found your dream job!
TONY: Is there even such a thing? Work is work after all.
TATI: It’s something you already do for free every day. But now you can get money and respect for it!
TONY: What? Sleeping?
TATI: Nope. Any other ideas?
TONY: Chewing? I chew a lot when I eat food.
TATI: Getting hotter…
TONY: Why, thank you! I always try to look my best…
TATI: Don’t flatter yourself, beta male.
TONY: Well, twist my titties. That was rude!
TATI: Tony, are you going to keep guessing or pout like a little sissy?
TATI: Let me just show you the link, because I’m almost scared to hear your next suggestion.
TATI: So, what do you think? Would you like to schedule a job interview? Or maybe ‘audition’ in this case?
TONY: I don’t think so. I mean, farts do not have magical healing properties.
TATI: Some consider smelling farts as healthy by the way. But I’d rather continue to take care of my health with more traditional means.
TONY: Yes, me too. I don’t think I want some ‘holy man’ getting all flatulent with my face in the name of some all-powerful ‘god’. I mean, what a crock of shit!
TATI: Well… let’s back to the farting priest. I find it’s rather funny but I feel you may have another point of view as a former believer. May I ask what you think regarding this?
TONY: Believe me, I do see the humour in this as the whole scenario is rather absurd. Someone pretending to have a direct line to a god then demonstrating said god’s power by farting on people? Those are the ingredients for absurdist comedy right there. But I do kinda find it sad too.
TATI: I see. Do you feel cheated, ridiculed?
TONY: While I was certainly never taken in by a scam like this, I was still a member of a christian church for about twenty years. That turned out to be a huge mistake, and I’ve spent the last decade trying to shed the mindset that such a religious culture programs into you.
TATI: So, they didn’t fart on your face, but in your brains.
TONY: Exactly. I was so desperate to fit in with my chosen ‘family’ that I was more than willing to try and believe whatever nonsensical bible story or precept they presented. Talking snakes and donkeys. A boat full of the entire world’s animals. A loving god that sanctioned incest, genocides and slavery. The cognitive dissonance was strong with me.
TATI: I heard an interesting thought recently, that certain linguistic anthropologists think religion is a language virus that rewrites pathways in the brain, dulling critical thinking. So, in regards to what you’re saying… it really makes sense.
TONY: I don’t know if that’s necessarily true of religious people across the board, but it certainly was with me. So, in that sense there is a ring of truth to it.
TATI: I’m glad you have since ventilated your brain. But it looks like now we need to ventilate our room. Tony?
TONY: That wasn’t me! It must have been you!
TATI: Me?! No!
TONY: Well, then it must have been the dog. Or Gerald the Fart Fairy.
TATI: Let’s say it was the priest from Limpopo!
TONY: Yes, let’s say it was that charlatan, for that is indeed what he is. And I despise such people. He’s really no better than the Benny Hinns, Paula Whites and Kenneth Copelands of the evangelical world. He just exists on a smaller scale is all.
TATI: Benny Hill was a priest?
TONY: If only! I think Hinn’s healing services could’ve been more entertaining if they’d utilised under-cranked footage of parishioners being slain in the spirit to Boots Randolph’s ‘Yakety Sax‘.
TATI: I smell your outrage, Tony. Well… our time would be better spent taking the dog for a walk.
TONY: We have a dog?
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021