DARWINIAN // Circle of Life

Look, I get it. A bus timetable isn’t a binding contract or anything but I’d dearly appreciate it if the sodding drivers would stop fart-arsing me around. I’m convinced they’ve all conspired against me. How else would you explain what’s happening here?

Seriously, whenever I’m early, they’re late. Whenever I’m on time, they’re early. Whenever I’m late, they’re on time. Is this some kind of joke? Are their contrary little minds jacked into one central hive mentality decreeing that this Darwin chap mustn’t be allowed to get anywhere stress-free ever? How do they even know when I’m at the damn stop? CCTV? No, there isn’t any CCTV. Well, as far as I can see anyway…

I feel like a right goose as I stand here trying to type on my mobile phone, the cars whizzing past my self-conscious self. This godawful touch keyboard! Was it made for human beings or fucking pixies? Wouldn’t you think the manufacturer could have included a stylus or something? Of course you would. So would I. But they’re not us. They don’t consider the needs of us mere mortals. That’s not what they do. We pay for what we get and nothing more. Frankly, it’s a First World privilege to be using our giant, stubby forefingers to thwack clumsy smears of not-quite-predictive text all over our tiny screens, and they know it. We all know it. My white middle-class guilt is quite adept at making me shut up and put up with all kinds of shit.

How the hell is ‘contrary’ anything like ‘dairy’?

And suddenly I’m off thinking about American highways. The other day, Calix was telling me that they’re paved with an odd mix of stuff: asphalt, recycled tyres, and hospital waste. Why is that factoid popping into my head unbidden? Is it because I’m standing on the side of a busy road, watching a Vespa narrowly miss a Bond lookalike? She loves bringing up weird shit like this. I usually do my best bobblehead impression, nodding along to whatever Calix says, and wondering if these alleged factoids are even halfway true.

I should text her. Let her know I’m going to be late. Ah, sod it. She’ll find out I’m late when I get there. Tumours, severed limbs, other bodily organs… bus. I guess a lot of Americans splat on highways at any given opportunity, eager to donate their good selves to the advancement of the automobile. It’s the circle of life, baby. All terribly pointless and wasteful. Thank god for America. Thank god I don’t live there.

Oh, shit! Was that the bus? Fuck! Shit!

 

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

44 thoughts on “DARWINIAN // Circle of Life

  1. The one thing I miss about Facebook is that you had those options to react to posts. And now I can only just press like where I want to ‘haha’ at the funny things you say. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I was on the bus yesterday (because I am a poor) and some geezer was speaking overly loud on his phone,

    ‘Oh me, I’m on this forsaken bus. My car is getting repaired. Yes, my car, it’s in the garage. It’s such an inconvenience not having my car!’

    He wanted to let every passenger know that he didn’t belong on that stinking bus, he was above us scumbags !

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Generally speaking, you are right about paving materials in America except for the hospital waste…As far as on-time reliable public transportation is concerned, Chicago leads the pack with its train and bus service. At both train stations and bus stops there are LED signs listing upcoming trains/buses and their projected arrival times. They’re almost always right on the money. Maybe you need a Chicago vacation?

    Liked by 2 people

    • We have the same set up here regarding public transport, and it’s actually quite good. Having said that, I’ve always wanted to visit Chicago as it seems like one of the more interesting and progressive parts of America.

      Liked by 2 people

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