The bus jerks. Someone’s hand grabs the handrail right before my nose. No doubt it’s the Hand of Fizzuck Providence. It wields five huge scarlet stilettos, one of which is girdled with an ugly cruciate Swarovski that seems to be pointed at me. It’s as though I’m to blame for the cardinal sin. The sin of neglecting the nail care industry.
I quickly hide my hands under a copy of our magazine and assume a look of innocence. To be on the safe side, I silently begin to list every nail shape I can possibly think of. (Lucky for me, I had prepared an article on this very topic just last week. We’re reaching the deadline and, as always, have had major headaches with the magazine’s contents.) Square. Squoval. Almond. Coffin. Stiletto… please, let this nail pass from me.
It feels like the Hand of Fizzuck Providence is moving higher. I tightly close my eyes and try to recall every trendy shade that has been recommended for this season. Strawberry Margarita. Cajun Shrimp. Purple Palazzo Pants. Damn! What freak invents these poofy names?
Cautiously, I open one eye and peep. The Hand of Fizzuck Providence… is it hanging over me like the sword of Damocles? I think so. I imagine it piercing my top and going right through my body down to my anus. And then I’m twitching, pinned to the bus seat by a huge scarlet nail. Like a victim of the Almighty Bug Hunter. The other passengers are nodding in approval, and the most zealous of them take selfies in front of me. And now I’m squinting with a mixture of fear and disgust. Ugh! I shake my head in the desperate hope that this horrifying vision will soon vanish from my mind.
The bus jerks one more time. Then stops. Then moves again. When I finally have the guts to open my eyes, I see that the handrail is empty. What a relief! A narrow escape! I let out a sigh. I then open my diary with every intention of scheduling a manicure… Oh, no! Holy cuticles! I absolutely forgot that in about half an hour I have a meeting with a local farmer who has grown a gargantuan carrot!
I spring out of the bus at the next stop, and run the rest of my way to the office like a scalded cat. There’s only the note ‘Visit a mani…’ on my diary page, but I’m pretty sure I won’t soon forget what I meant.
by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2018
unbolt me 
Uh-Oh, I feel a disturbance in the Force. All these raw ideas for a pudding.
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Mmm… pudding!
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women own paranoia. everything is under a microscope. judges are all women too. I do not know (m)any men who care two hoots about their fingernails, or hairdo, or not-too-bad body odor on their shirts. What a man would think on the bus: ” “
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Hee hee hee! I dunno, Von. I’ve been known to care about those things, but then I guess I’m not a proper man. More like… hm… half-man really. 😛
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the right half, I’m sure.
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Nail approval is all the rage this summer including matching colors for when ever the spirit moves you,shipping and handling is separate …….& keep those cameras rolling till I say cut
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No worries. I’ll make sure of that! 😉
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Haha .. a story on nails, the last thing I expected… but had me in splits 🙂
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Hee hee. I’m glad we could bring mirth to your day! 😉
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Hehe 🙂
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You are toooo funny! I love this. And if we ever chance to meet, I’m keeping my hands in my pockets as I am SO bad at keeping my nails pretty that it took me awhile to understand what You were talking about! You just gifted my first laugh of the day! Cheers and Thank You!!! 🤣🤗😄
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Hee hee. If you meet Tati, you’ll soon see that she doesn’t do her nails either. She doesn’t need to. She’s so pretty anyway. 🙂
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Awww! Love that!!! 🤗 You and my boyfriend must be related. He always says that, “You don’t need to” at the sweetest times. Yay!!! 🙂
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“holy cuticles!”
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Hee hee! I laughed at that too… and added a silent ‘Batman’ at the end. 😛
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Always so creative!
Made me think a million things…like how I have never had a manicure. 🙂
Had a visit to the other links…about the body shaming, you know, I totally agree. But that is why I don’t like the “c” word, but it’s more the way it is used. I hate the way it is used. Why does it have to be used like that? Why does dick have to be used like that? I have said it, cough, too many times then I asked myself, what the heck am I doing?
Hope you guys are well 🌸
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I wonder if Tati has ever had a manicure? I should ask her… And I agree with you. It’s not the ‘C’ word itself that I object to. It’s how it’s used as one of the most offensive pejoratives out there. It’s such a beautiful part of the female anatomy that I wonder why it should be tarnished so? Anyway, I find it perplexing to say the least. (We’re very well, thank you! Hope you are too!) 🙂
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Yes, why? (just to be clear, i meant I’ve used the “d” word too many times, then i finally realised i should hate doing that as much as i hate the “c” word used like that. Such incredible parts of anatomy. Well our whole bodies are amazing.)
Glad all is well 😊
Doing okay here, thanks.
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Yes, the human body is an amazing work of art, I reckon. Not just bits and pieces of it. And we’re glad you’re doing well, Vanessa! 😀
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😁
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I wonder how Cajun Shrimp nails would look.
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It’s more the smell I’m worried about… Hee hee! 😉
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