ABSURDIS EXTREME // Case Study #20,913,067 [12/12/2024] by B.A. Loney

Adam Ant was crawling along a Möbius strip in the hopes of bumping into August or Johann—you know, to get their autographs and maybe even a selfie. The other ants hadn’t the heart to tell Adam Ant that this was unlikely to happen as his two favourite German mathematicians were long dead.

It was an arduous journey, but Adam Ant didn’t falter. He wholeheartedly believed that every new turn brings a fresh hope, so he went ahead carrying a grain of sugar, his gift to the geniuses he would never find. (All geniuses have a sweet tooth, you know. Glucose nourishes the brain.)

While it goes without saying that he never reached his intended goal, it should go with saying that somebody else did reach him. You see, Eve Ant was crawling along the Möbius strip from the other direction. Some would call it fate that their paths crossed. Others would call it inevitable because what other direction was she going to go in? Well, maybe in the same direction as Adam Ant but then they never would have met at all. Or maybe inward but then neither of them were overly given to self reflection, what with being as shallow as an aquaphobic amoeba’s wading pool.

Anyway, encounter one another they did, and so Eve Ant immediately asked if there was a hotel nearby. You see, she was bone-tired (perhaps because her skeleton was on the outside and she’d been walking on it for so long) and just wanted a place to put her feet up for the night. Adam Ant wasn’t tired at all because he’d been rollerblading the whole way (oh, did we fail to mention this earlier?), but he did rather fancy the ampleness of Eve Ant’s abdomen so he thought he’d stick around to keep getting a sweet, sweet eyeful.

So, Adam Ant took Eve Ant by the elbow (like a real gentleman) and escorted her right to the door of a nearby hotel. He even helped lug her luggage (that’s how much he was impressed with her abdomen). And, what’s more, he payed for the most expensive room for one night, and was so classy that he didn’t sleep in the giant, luxury double bed with her. That’s right, Adam Ant slept out on the giant, luxury double couch instead. Naturally, Eve Ant was so impressed by all of this that she found herself wishing she hadn’t torn off her wings and become queen of another colony already.

But, truth be told, Eve Ant had absconded from her duties as breeder and matriarch months ago. There was so much more to life than popping out millions of eggs until she resembled a desiccated ball sack. She wanted to see the world! And perhaps Adam Ant was the one she could share this dream with. Perhaps he wouldn’t even mind so much that she was no longer a virgin (didn’t some men like older, more experienced women anyway?).

As it happened, Adam Ant was desperate to have Eve Ant stick around (so he could goggle at her abdomen some more), so he invited her to sit at the edge of the Möbius strip with him awhile. Eve Ant was giddy with delight, and they romantically dangled their legs, ate from Adam Ant’s grain of sugar, and gazed at the stars. Their compound eyes were full of love hearts for each other an—

Somebody sprinkled dichlorvos on them and they died.

Adam Ant

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023

25 thoughts on “ABSURDIS EXTREME // Case Study #20,913,067 [12/12/2024] by B.A. Loney”

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