I sank my teeth into his regal nose.

It had the taste and consistency of the finest Brie. I thought it could pair nicely with a glass of Chardonnay but was too lazy to disengage and drag my carcass to the wine cellar. I’d sooner dangle from his face like an annoying tick with a Napoleon Complex.

I bit down a little more. The sweet and sour taste of compote with white asparagus began to ooze all over my tongue. Was this coming from his nasal cavities? If so, then this royal drop was better than any musty old wine!

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TATI’s & TONY’s DEAD POET TOUR // Ode On The Mammoth Cheese by James McIntyre

Weight over seven thousand pounds.

We have seen thee, queen of cheese,
Lying quietly at your ease,
Gently fanned by evening breeze,
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.

All gaily dressed soon you’ll go
To the great Provincial show,
To be admired by many a beau
In the city of Toronto.

Cows numerous as a swarm of bees,
Or as the leaves upon the trees,
It did require to make thee please,
And stand unrivalled, queen of cheese.

May you not receive a scar as
We have heard that Mr. Harris
Intends to send you off as far as
The great world’s show at Paris.

Of the youth beware of these,
For some of them might rudely squeeze
And bite your cheek, then songs or glees
We could not sing, oh! queen of cheese.

We’rt thou suspended from balloon,
You’d cast a shade even at noon,
Folks would think it was the moon
About to fall and crush them soon.

by JAMES MCINTYRE (1828-1906)
Public Domain Poetry