MMORPB // Tati & Tony in Raiders of the Lost Snark Part Eight (Moderately Multiplayer Online Role Playing Book 18+)

or: EPISODE 8 // Where Tati Refuses to be the Mother of Mutants and Tony Pouts

 

In our previous episode, Tati and Tony discussed the state-of-the-art hamster porno industry, and proved that no one should buy super secret weapons from James Bond’s personal arsenal in a pedestrian subway in Uryupinsk.

“Please, don’t be a drama queen” growled Tati. “Or I will drop you.”

Suddenly, Tony stopped short. His eyes were as wide as hubcaps, then he began to gasp like a fish in a glass of tequila. He was clearly trying to speak, but couldn’t, mouthing the words instead. In fact, he was trying to draw Tati’s attention to something that was right next to them. Tati raised her eyes from his face to whatever had suddenly blocked the sun.

“What… what the holy, blue, actual huge fuck?!”

And that’s when the whale swallowed them. That’s right. A whale in the sky. A sky whale. It had flippers and it was flying.

Tati and Tony tumbled down the whale’s windpipe for what seemed like forever. There were lots of wet plops and bounces all the way down, until their moustaches and hats disappeared and they were coated with thick layers of saliva. They finally came to a stop in a giant chamber full of a bubbly liquid that was caustic to the touch. Tati clambered up a fleshy protrusion, dragging a hapless Tony with her.

“Shit.” Tati looked down at herself. Her clothes had completely disintegrated and dropped right off of her. She looked at Tony. Him too.

“I am ashamed!” squeaked Tony, immediately hiding his very tiny manhood behind one hand. The other hand was covering his face.

“Well, at least the umbrella’s still okay,” sighed Tati. She didn’t feel the need to comfort her friend in his time of emotional need. There were more pressing concerns.

Suddenly, Tony dropped his hand to reveal a faraway look on his face. “Adam and Eve,” he whispered. “We’re like… you know, Adam and Eve!”

Tati looked at him as if he was a complete, Old Testament bedlamite. She snorted derisively.

“Well… I may not be a Bible maniac,” she said, “but I do believe the ‘Jonah’ analogy is more appropriate here.”

Tony pouted. Obviously, in his wacky mind they’d already been through the Fall, and were ready to provide the whale’s innards with future generations of sticky, mutant inhabitants.

“Fine,” muttered Tony. “Then let’s get the hell out of here!”

“I couldn’t agree more,” said Tati, cocking her head to one side. She was studying the umbrella with renewed interest.

Tony noticed this. “What?”

“This umbrella has a special function. I just don’t know if it’s safe to activate it inside the belly of a flying whale.”

“What does it do?”

Tati glanced at her pathetic friend, then realised something awful. He was bald. The bubbly liquid stuff had eaten away Tony’s beautiful long hair. And his eyebrows. And, presumably, his pubes? In fact, there was not a single jot of hair left on his entire body!

“Why are you patting your head?”

Tati ignored his question, alarmed that she no longer had hair either. Nowhere, actually. She had hair nowhere. What the freaking fuck…

“Well, it looks like I no longer care if it’s safe to activate the special umbrella inside a whale.”

And before Tony could protest, Tati pressed a button on the handle. The umbrella flared wider than before. Sparks flew from its tip and canvas edges, sending what looked like streams of fireworks into the walls of the whale’s insides and gloop. Then everything around them grew brighter and brighter…

 

Catch other episodes in this series:
THE PILOT // Where Tati Makes Tony Blush
EPISODE 2 // Where Tati Makes Tony Choke
EPISODE 3 // Where Tati Gives Tony a Fungus Face
EPISODE 4 // Where Tati Rescues Tony’s Suitcase
EPISODE 5 // Where Tati Grabs Tony’s Shirt
EPISODE 6 // Where Tati Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouses Tony to New Heights
EPISODE 7 // Where Tati Cocks the Hamster and Tony Watches

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

MMORPB // Tati & Tony in Raiders of the Lost Snark Part Seven (Moderately Multiplayer Online Role Playing Book 18+)

or: EPISODE 7 // Where Tati Cocks the Hamster and Tony Watches

 

In our previous episode, Tati whipped out a magic umbrella and facilitated hers and Tony’s escape from the scene of a horrific… well, it wasn’t a crime per se, more like a very unfortunate incident for the now very dead mysterious man in black. Naturally, they forgot Tony’s suitcases in the kerfuffle, and were now debating whether or not they should return to retrieve them…

“…because they contain my stash of hamster porn. God, I hope no one manages to get one open. I can already feel the shame!”

Tati snorted. “‘Mr Fleek ‘Puffy Cheek’ & His Lewd BBW Wifey’? ‘Crazy Hawaii Weekend in the Boom Chicka Wheel Wow of Love’, huh?”

“Okay okay!” hissed Tony with embarrassment. “Keep your voice down, would you?”

“‘Hamster Bros Doin’ Doxies Fur Dog Style’?”

“Look, I don’t have that issue, okay? It got lost somewhere a while ago.”

Tati felt Tony shudder involuntarily. The memory of such a loss seemed to trouble him deeply.

“Hey!” he suddenly beamed. “Does that mean you happen to have a copy of your own?”

Tati blushed momentarily, but then quickly regained her usual look of jaded scorn.

“Are you an idiot?” she sneered. “I joke, of course. I had no idea that this existed. You’re a dirty weirdo!”

Tony looked disappointed. “That was a pretty good guess then!”

“I wonder which direction the wind is blowing today…”

Tati fidgeted with the trigger on the umbrella handle, demonstrating her complete indifference towards the hamster porno industry. Tony looked at her with suspicion. It was obvious that she was trying to change the topic, but he figured it’d be better if he didn’t challenge her on this. At least not now while she was gripping him by the shirt collar some one hundred feet above the ground.

“So,” he said carefully, “where are we going to go? We’re fugitives now!”

Tati ignored him, continuing to fiddle with the trigger. Now she looked genuinely concerned, her fake moustache trembling in the wind like a bad omen. Okay, now it was time to worry, and so that’s what Tony did.

“Erm…” he squeaked. “Is everything okay?”

“Just shut up, OK? I’m trying to cock this fucking hamster.”

Tony blinked. “What?”

“Oh, hell!” spat Tati. “Damn you and your sexual preferences! I meant ‘cock the hammer’ of course! Not the hamster! This fucking umbrella doesn’t work!”

Then there was a sudden gust of wind. It slapped into them from the side, nearly wrenching Tony from Tati’s grasp. He shrieked with fear, tightening his hold on her.

“We’re gonna die!”

 

Catch other episodes in this series:
THE PILOT // Where Tati Makes Tony Blush
EPISODE 2 // Where Tati Makes Tony Choke
EPISODE 3 // Where Tati Gives Tony a Fungus Face
EPISODE 4 // Where Tati Rescues Tony’s Suitcase
EPISODE 5 // Where Tati Grabs Tony’s Shirt
EPISODE 6 // Where Tati Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouses Tony to New Heights

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2019

MMORPB // Tati & Tony in Raiders of the Lost Snark Part Six (Moderately Multiplayer Online Role Playing Book 18+)

or: EPISODE 6 // Where Tati Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouses Tony to New Heights

 

In our previous episode, Tati was about to interrogate (torture) the mysterious man in black when he got wiped out by a falling meteorite. Emergency services began to arrive on the scene, so Tati and Tony felt it best to make their getaway…

“Erm, Tati, we should get the hell out of here, don’t you think?”

Tony tugged at Tati’s elbow. She yanked it away, more than a little irritated.

“Hey! What gives you the right to paw at me, you old pervert?”

Tony eyed her in a mixture of apology and wild-eyed fear.

“You can hold my hand, okay?” she said, her frown softening to a look of concern. “Let’s get out of here!”

Tony grabbed her whole arm again. “Let’s!”

Tati poked at Tony’s ribs with a huge, colourful umbrella. Tony winced, reeling in surprise. Where the hell had she suddenly pulled that from? It wasn’t anywhere a moment ago!

“Is that a…” Tony blinked dramatically. “Is that a fucking umbrella? You do realise it’s not about to rain, don’t you?”

Tati hoisted it, pointing the tip at the clear blue sky. “It’s a fucking whatchamacallit!”

“Huh? Could you stop saying words that I can’t comprehend?”

“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”

“Jesus.”

Tati grimaced at him. “Your Messiah won’t save you, but I will. Grab tight!”

Tony glommed onto Tati like a vice. “Does that make you my ‘Missiah?'” He grinned like an idiot at his own stupid joke.

“Do you want to fall?” Tati asked with a hint of menace in her voice.

“Wha—?!” Tony shook his head in panic. “No. Of course not!”

“Then hold on!” Tati jabbed at the sky for emphasis. “Less words. More action!”

And with that, her umbrella popped open with a puff of air, and they shot off into the sky like a bottle rocket. Tony screamed as he tightened his grip. He hadn’t expected their lift off to be so… well, sudden!

“Shit!” squeaked Tati.

Tony blinked. That’s all he seemed to be doing lately. “What?”

“Suitcases!” Tati looked angry. “Did you bring your fucking baggage?”

Tony refused to look down as he was scared of heights—but he knew the suitcases were still scattered around the lip of the crater. Tati looked down, and her scowl deepened.

“Do you really need your suitcases?” Then before Tony could muster an answer, she added, “Never mind. It’s too late now anyway.”

Tati was right. The ambulance, police and fire service had arrived on the scene. People in various uniforms were already striding about with purposeful resolve, pointing at things, crossing things off lists, and getting shit done. And yet, Tony had to whine, “But I need them!”

“Why?” Tati pretended that her question was dictated by common sense, not curiosity. Tony gave her his best, saintly, longsuffering ‘martyr’ look. She rolled her eyes, but he wouldn’t let up.

“All my good underwear’s in there!”

Tati found it difficult to imagine Tony wearing undergarments. The thought made her giggle. “Nice try, you silly boy.” She lightly kissed the top of his head. “Do you have other options? You’re going to need them.”

Tony realised that the reason was going to have to be more serious than the one he’d offered. Otherwise, this nasty girl with fake face fungus was never going to agree to return and get his suitcases back. Tati could be quite difficult to sway once her mind was made up.

He thought a little bit, and then said, “Well, I suppose I can tell you, but it’s a big secret. The reason I want to go back for my suitcases is…”

 

Catch other episodes in this series:
THE PILOT // Where Tati Makes Tony Blush
EPISODE 2 // Where Tati Makes Tony Choke
EPISODE 3 // Where Tati Gives Tony a Fungus Face
EPISODE 4 // Where Tati Rescues Tony’s Suitcase
EPISODE 5 // Where Tati Grabs Tony’s Shirt

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018