ACT 1 SCENE 1
“He Had it Coming”
Set in the lounge room of a cosy three-storey tree house in an unspecified fantasy location.
TONY is sitting in a comfortable armchair. He is reading a comic book.
Enter TATI. She is out of breath. Her eyes are crazed. Her spikey hair is even more so.
TATI: (speaking to TONY) Catastrophe! Tony, it’s just a catastrophe!
TONY rolls his eyes. He doesn’t bother getting up. TATI pulls this kind of shit every other week.
TONY: You’re such a drama queen.
He turns back to the comic in his lap. Nausicaä is about to face off against the Ohmu and he doesn’t want any distractions.
TATI: (thinking) Huh? What bullshit! You yourself are the drama queen, boy!
She stands over TONY, arms akimbo and staring daggers at him.
TATI: (speaking again) I was looking at our Amazon account, and someone has made our book free. Who did this? Was it you?
TONY shakes the daggers out of his hair. They thunk on the floor with such bloody minded literalness that TATI is forced to do some serious eye rolling of her own.
TONY: (sarcastically) Relax! It’s only for two days. You needn’t be stressing about causing a global financial crisis or something quite yet.
TATI feels like hitting TONY with a chair.
TATI: It was ninety-nine cents! Who do you think you are? Tony Rockefeller?
TONY’S brow crinkles like a sheet of corrugated iron.
TONY: (bluntly) I have no idea who that is. I mean, what the hell? You’re always making references to things I know nothing about. You know my brain can only hold one thing at a time. I’m a simple creature!
TATI: (smirking) Are you Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu? Blessed Tony of Calcutta?!
TONY: (really confused) I’m sorry? What the fuck?! No! I’m just me! Well, I thought I was anyways…
TONY scratches his head. He has no idea where this conversation is going.
TONY: (thinking) Someone ought to tell her that this free promotion is for our mutual benefit! All I’m trying to do is get more people interested in our book!
TATI: (thinking) Oh. Why didn’t he say so immediately?
That’s when TATI and TONY realise that they can hear what the other is thinking.
TONY: (thinking) Shit, I’d better be careful what I think and say from here on. Keep my thoughts pure!
TATI: (thinking) Pure? What do you mean “pure”? What have you been thinking, boy?
TONY: (thinking) NOTHING! I haven’t thunk a thing at all! I’m completely asexual. No genitals or anything. I’m like a Ken doll down there. Honest!
TATI: (thinking) Ugh! You’re such a pervert. You’re Hannibal Lecher!
TATI picks up the chair then decides not to hit him with it. She puts it down again. Sure, TONY has it coming but hitting him with a chair would be like kicking a mangy, defenseless dog in the head. She just cannot do it. She does, however, have one final thing to say before she leaves the room.
TATI: (speaking) It should have been five! Five days! Not only two days of free promotion. You always fuck up with math, Tony Boeotian!
TONY: (speaking) Who the hell is Tony… Boat Teeing?
TATI lets loose an exasperated sigh and exits the room. TONY is just as confused as he was before. He pauses a moment, then shrugs and turns back to his comic.