Spam Sarnie #1

At Unbolt Me we occasionally receive comments that are beyond our comprehension. Sure, the individual components look like words but taken as a whole those words tend to leave us feeling hoplessly dylsexic. It’s for this reason that we forward such comments to the relevant competent authorities to be deciphered and answered on our behalf. So, without further ado, we present the first batch of spam comments and responses for your perusal. Please enjoy! *

It can be applied in a much finer mist, thereby reaching between and around louvers and into seams, joints and corners.
– Piusygi

Ain’t it amazeballs? We’ve found it steams even the stubbornest wrinkles from the trunks of elephants that’ve naughtily stayed in the pool too long. That’s the power of Industrial Grade Unbolt. Buy it today! (Squeegee sold separately.)
– The Grey Leg-Nose Carers League

I was one of those people passing around whiskey in the pit. My bag was barely checked. Just stuff it under something in your bag.
– Ullkxidg

Hey, thanks mang. Totally rad tip there! So, if we hide the booze ’neath the stash of crack cocaine we got in our rucksack, them sniffer dogs’ll be none the wiser? Dope, bro!
– The Not Terribly Smart Rum-Runners League

Well, you are capable of that but I’m warning you, that wont do much good.
– Cbangles

If by ‘that’ you mean grabbing the nuts off a Brobdingnagian Chernobyl Squirrel and attempting to abscond with them… then, yes, we agree.
– The Rodents Of Unusual Size Fanciers League

* We dare not guarantee the validity of the information found here in case it comes back to bite us on the arse. Honestly, if you’re in need of specific advice (medical, legal, financial, gynaecological), why in the holy hell are you consulting us? Please, we implore you to seek out a licensed professional instead. We’re like Mini Minors careening through the cake stalls at a county fair. We absolutely cannot be trusted to steer you aright.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

139 thoughts on “Spam Sarnie #1

  1. Haha, man, this is great! I used to have a job moderating comments left on online obituaries and we didn’t really have spam comments necessarily but every once in a while someone would obviously have typed their comment up somewhere and then copied and pasted it – only it also included whatever else was on the document. Usually it was boring work stuff but what I’d end up moderating would be something like:

    “My condolences to Mrs. Smith on the loss of her husband. He was a wonderful man and he will be missed.

    Jim, have you had a chance to check on the price of white paper for the printer on the fourth floor? Margie said you’d get me the report by Thursday but I’m still waiting . . . ”

    And it was always a pretty marvelous way to look at death. Like, it’s true that this commenter is sad about losing Mr. Smith. It’s also true that he needs that report on copy paper from Jim. Multitudes, when juxtaposed with death, are so human I can’t even stand it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m laughing so hard right now! Really, life goes on, doesn’t it? Even in the midst of death… which we’re all surrounded by when you think about it (too much). Life needs to go on. Otherwise we’d all go a little bit insane, I’m thinking. 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Rodents Of Unusual Size Fanciers. Fucking hilarious. That has to be a thing. Princess Bride is still awesome to watch even when you’re not under the influence, but a spliff and some ice cream is still my prefered viewing technique

    Liked by 2 people

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