¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?

Dear readers, I wrote a letter to Santa. Yup. I really did. In it, I spilled my guts. I bared my soul even. Hell, I was mortifyingly earnest. Isn’t that just well-meaning stupidity in disguise? Ugh. Anyway.

I informed Santa that I’ve decided not to celebrate Christmas this year, or in any year going forth. As an embittered former Christian it’s something I can no longer, in all good conscience, do. And as someone who hasn’t then gone the whole kit and caboodle and converted to atheism, it does make things a bit tricky socially speaking.

You see, some of my atheist chums ask me why I don’t just boycott Christmas, like it’s my goddamn duty or something. They wave their little magazines in my face, evangelising me, expecting me to be inspired and galvanised. Apparently, I’m supposed to display some newfound passion about my newfound liberation from the tired old shackles of religion.

But really, I couldn’t be arsed. Not when they’re foisting titles like Fairy Tale Crushers Quarterly or Militant Mind Monkeys Monthly or Dawkins’s Dick Butter Digest in my face. How can I be expected to swallow that? Even the covers with their smug tag lines put me off. “Freethink like us or we’ll laugh at you!” Okay. They do realise people have been laughing at me my entire life, yes? It’s not exactly a threat. I mean, it’s not eternal damnation or anything. Try harder, atheists! Actually, no, don’t. You’re as annoying as the theists.

God, I’m so tired. When did people start giving such gorilla-sized shits about what others think? I just could not be that arsed. Hell, my thoughts probably come out of my arse so who am I to be policing everyone else’s brain turds? Seriously, I’m not that invested. I just want a cup of tea and a nice lie down. I mean, how can they possibly maintain the requisite amount of fulminating engagement 24/7? They have to sleep some time! Do they sleep angry? God, I hate social justice warriors. They’re so fucking exhausting.

I hate Christmas. That’s the one thing I will agree with the atheists on. All those wasted childhood years praying for a better looking face. No wonder I feel so aggrieved. Christians say Jesus is the reason for the season. Okay. So where were you, Jesus, when I needed my merry miracle makeover? Off pumping Kim Kardashian full of the good DNA no doubt. What a cheap bastard. And what a bitch for hogging it.

My face. God. It looks like it was regifted. Some unlucky, hopelessly damned soul must have received this face one Christmas, gone “AUGH!” then crammed it back in its wrapping paper and regifted it to me the following Christmas. “Oh, Tony will have it. He likes weird shit.” “Oh, thanks. I guess I gotta wear this now so I don’t hurt your feelin’s or nothin’.” Still, I suppose it could’ve been worse. I could’ve been regifted a box of used condoms.

But is this all I’ve been reduced to? Covering over the crushing disappointment that is life with gaudy tinsel? Making everything Christmas to within an inch of its goddamn life, godammit? Screw social convention! It doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s not like I can drape Christmas over a pile of dead puppies and suddenly everything’s okay. No one looks at a pile of dead puppies draped with Christmas and says, “D’aaawww… Let’s go carolling!” I’ve tried to fit in with this holiday season malarkey. Truly, I’ve tried. But it’s not working.

One thing I did do was to grow my hair out. I figured if I could grow it long enough, it’d cover my face and entire body, and I’d look like a wookie. Then I could finally rejoin society because, you know, everyone’s worshiping the new Star Wars right now. Which means they’ve gotta love me, right? I’d be famous! I’d get invited to comic conventions, sit on panels and sign tits. Lovely! It’s what I’ve always wanted. Hell, I wouldn’t even have to be articulate. All I’d need to say is “GAAARRRGGGHHH!” in answer to everything. Fans would lap that shit up. They’d be lining up for decades, waiting for autographed pics of themselves swooning over my immaculately groomed wookie weenie.

So, anyway, I wrote Santa a letter. In it, I told him of my esteem obliterating ennui. Yes, I told him that I’m tired. That I think I need to go to sleep now. Maybe for good. I recommended that he not get me anything this year, that he keep the extra he would’ve spent buying me a Robot Action Smurf and get himself a shot of egg nog or a beard mitten instead. I don’t know. Whatever floats Santa’s boat. Oh, sorry. Sleigh. I meant sleigh.

God, I suck.

Anyway, dear readers, I apologise for this. I don’t wish to burden you with my unburdening. Have a sack load of festive humbugs on me.

Yours grudgingly,
Scroogey McScrooge.

PS: I burnt the letter and sent Santa a Facebook message instead. He still hasn’t friended me. He’s probably chilling somewhere on a Majorcan beach with hookers, blow and a toddy. What a tosser.

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

127 thoughts on “¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?”

  3. Tony, this is fantastic! Yes, I agree that evangelism happens regardless of whether or not someone is religious or not. Why do humans struggle so much to push our beliefs on others? Perhaps it’s insecurity… I’m sorry you didn’t receive your Christmas wish! I’m still waiting for my horse and knight 😉
    Enjoy the rest of your year!

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  4. I know exactly what you mean about how some atheists can be just as overbearing as the people who preach and preach and preach about this thing and that. People are very odd with the whole “how dare you not like the things I like” mentality. I’m a slightly reformed Grinch myself when it comes to the holidays so I can understand being over the whole thing. The whole wookie thing had me in stitches though. 😛 I actually donned a Christmas gift you gave me a couple years back (an amazing koala hat) yesterday. It’s freeeeezing over here, and that thing is just the coziest! 🙂 And quite adorable to boot. I feel like such a horrible slacker douchebag because I STILL have your presents I’d gotten you from that year that I would love to send but since we’d both quit the fantasy forum we were chatting in I don’t know where to send them to. I used to have a PO Box for you I believe. Life got so hectic and I’m a ridiculously renowned slacker, procrastinator, forgetter of important things. Is it weird if I send them now (a couple years later than intended and when you’ve decided no more Christmas)? They don’t have to be Christmas gifts, they could be . . . um . . . festive forgetfulness presents!:D I’m horrible, I know. I feel so awful that I never got around to actually shipping them. 😦

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    • Hiya, Moth! It’s been a LONG time since we last chatted. I’m glad you’re getting to wear that koala hat! I was so tempted to keep it myself, y’know. Ha ha! And, no, you’re not a douchebag! And you needn’t worry about the presents you got me at all. In fact, I’m sure there’s a friend or loved one who’d appreciate them just as much as I would’ve. I mean, why not, am I right? It is the season for giving!

      You know, I haven’t been back to that fantasy forum in years, and I have to say that I miss nothing about the place. Well, that’s not entirely true. You, me and a handful of other people used to have epic text and email chats for a while there, so there is that! I love your name for the gifts by the way. How about we call this holiday season something similar? The Festive Forgetfulness Season! Or something. 😛

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    • lol I think that is a perfect name for this season. 😀 And if we embrace the forgetful aspect of it, that alone will knock out like 90% of the holiday stress. Instead of spiraling into a panic when we forget something important we can just be like, “Nah, I’m just being festive and embracing the season.” 😛
      Well, I’m glad you don’t deem me a douchebag. 🙂 I think I based a couple of the prezzies off your interests so much that anyone else I’d give them to would be like “What’s this?” lol So if you change your mind and will lemme mail them just let me know when/where! 😀 Til then, Happy Forgetfulness Season!! lol

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    • Forgetfulness rules! And as for the prezzies, seeing as you based them off of some of my interests then I surely should not be a Grinch and accept them! You can contact me via admin@unbolt.me or I can simply contact you. Actually, I should contact you really. Okay, until then, Happy Forg… um. For… I know it. I know it! Don’t remind me! 😛

      Liked by 2 people

    • lol Nice! Sounds perfect. 😀 I haven’t used my old e-mail in ages so I’ll reach you with my new e-mail. In fitting fashion of this forgetful season I don’t remember any of my old sign-in info for that e-mail. lol Yay, I’m so excited to finally get to send them off to ya! 🙂

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  5. Lol, you have me in stitches, Tony! Also, I thought I was the only one who doesn’t care about Christmas. I don’t really hate it – okay I do. I can’t understand the whole “Peace On earth”-fakeness when all people want to do is get the most food possible and bash other people’s heads in while shopping for said food. Wherever the peace is, it’s definitely NOT on Earth during Christmas time!

    Having stated all that, I wish you a good couple of lazy days!

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  6. I dislike Christmas for all the high expectations it places on everyone. Religious stuff set aside, even the commercial stuff set aside, there is always this pressure to be happy, to find miracles, to have all the wrongs suddenly set right. For families to reconcile blah, blah, blah… And there is such a big build up that it feels failure when none of it comes to fruition. That’s been my experience, at least. I thoroughly enjoyed your post, Tony. Also, I bet your face is very appealing to one person!

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  7. As always, very well written and humorous, indeed, although at the same time sorrowful. Perhaps it was C. S. Lewis who said that humor is one of the most effective ways of conveying serious messages; I believe this to be the case. Aside from that, it really strikes me that you mention growing up praying to Jesus (or God, at least) for a new and better face (or better looks) when he himself was not handsome. In fact, there is every indication that he was not much at all to look at; in other words, he would not have made the cover of some slick magazine. One might even say he was despised in appearance, but perhaps that’s another story altogether… I am sorry for your troubled “marriage” with Christianity. Methinks it is possible that the Church somehow got in the way and soured the relationship … but who am I to say??? I will only end by wishing you (at least) an awesome, happy holiday season … truly! 🙂

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  8. “Estoy es en su corazon” Claus replied…not sure about my Spanish.
    Grimaced through much of this but have to say, though I don’t know you or Kim Kardashian, I would chose you as a friend over her any day of the week…and especially on Christmas. It’s a heart thing and you have it.
    I do respect your voice so Humbug back at ya.

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  9. I must pull a social justice warrior comment on you… Kim Kardashian has good DNA?!!! What?!!! That DNA went straight to her arse, scrambled her brains, and created a cable shit show of nonsense. So it’s completely overrated. But you were right about wookies. Adorable! 🙂 Happy Festivus for the Restivus!

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    • Laughing so hard right now! And, of course, you’re right. I probably could have picked someone more suitable than a Kardashian. Oh well, never mind. Let’s break out the Festivus Pole! Feats of Strength! 😛

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