From: M. Klaus/Nicholas
To: #realchristmasombudsman; email@example.com
Cc: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Subject: re: Regarding the matter of ongoing reindeer rights violations
Thank you for relaying your concerns about inquiries and concerns expressed by a certain rogue punainen laskelmoiva suomalainen lentävät porot.
1. I am the author of the Reindeer Husbandry & Transport Engineering library, found in the Hague library & all Northern Hemisphere Departments of Special Supernatural Animals Care and Husbandry.
My nearly 1,800 years of experience and my full-time (except during “the season”) research and development has made me the premier authority, not only of the physical needs, but also the psychological development and treatment of reindeer mental health issues.
2. I only hire the fittest reindeer after rigorous testing from Finnish flying and pulling contests, and psychological screening. Some of these temporary hires come back and compete year-after-year, like American athletes, vying for places on their teams.
As Christmas Magic conveys virtual immortality on the winners, they cease to age; with our special diet and strength training, they grow to tremendous levels of strength and speed at high and low altitudes, easily a thousand times the abilities of normal reindeer.
A solid group of winners have developed into a semi-permanent team of part-time veterans. They are permitted to live & train in the luxurious North Pole team facilities, where they do as they please during the “off-season.” They often make extra compensation from countless breeding opportunities they may pursue, due to their “star” status and world-wide exposure.
We do have strict drug and behavior policies, which, if abused, result in probation, free rehabilitation, and if all measures fail, release without prejudice.
Each reindeer is assigned one of the stage names we developed over the centuries. This allows children extra stability in their understanding of the fun of Christmas. It also preserves the privacy of the reindeer team, and their backups during the rest of the year.
3. As our legal team advises us, the combination of temporary hires and special benefits makes them exempt from simple labor and agricultural laws aimed at protecting normal, natural reindeer.
4. On the topic of sexual harassment, we feel that there is nothing sexual or harassing involved in calling a reindeer, “deer” for short. As far as patting rumps, we feel the affection shown animals is an established tradition, accepted and enjoyed by the reindeer for centuries without a single episode of harmful, lewd, or demeaning behavior by our skilled trainers or M. Klaus/Nicholas.
5. On the topic of psychological abuse, we keep the diets of the reindeer optimal and generous. M. Klaus/Nicholas has not grown any larger for all those years, despite the constant acceptance of food and beverage gifts from all the children in the world.
Unfortunately, milk, cookies, Ho Ho Ho’s, and the like, contain ingredients that weaken the reindeers’ immune systems, despite all of our efforts to remedy their response to such food and beverage. We always pass on healthy food like carrots, fruits and other offerings clearly left for the reindeer. We also keep ultrapure water and freshly harvested greens available at all times, should hunger or thirst become an issue for one or more of the team.
6. The only problems we have experienced in the last year or two have been with the one mutant reindeer, who, unfortunately, thinks he is brighter than the others, just because we made an exception to our team limit of eight.
The team has been exposed to his negative behavior, such as grumbling, sniping, and occasional diversions from the designated route. We are still asking our psychologists to help this team member resolve his issues, and he seems to get back in the harness on “the day.” We plan to keep up our support for his improvement.
We hope this answers any questions you may have on the treatment of our most valuable assets. If anything is left open or unanswered contact us at once, though we ask that you please give us some extra consideration for inquires in December.
We hope you and your staff and their families have been “nice” this year so you get the gifts you want and deserve.
And to all, a good night.