Open-Source Poetry Five #4 (The Last Gasp)

Dear Readers,

It seems that our belief in Santa is fading away…

We put our all into the poem we dedicated to him. We did our absolute best. We also behaved. Tony hasn’t picked his nose for a whole year, and Tati hasn’t… well, let’s not get into that here.

The point is, we went all out for this overweight ho-ho deer torturer! What a sack of crap!

Seriously, what did we get in return?



An auto-reply from someone that even our mailbox can’t bring itself to believe in. An ‘unverified sender’ no less! Hm… Perhaps we need to take the hint?

But no. Hell, no! This shall not mean that our belief in miracles is fading away. We are soppy romantics, god damn it! And no corpulent, bearded no-show is going to take that from us.

That’s why Tati—in her icy cold homeland of Ukraine—finds a bottle opener made from kangaroo balls in her Christmas sock. And Tony—in his blisteringly hot homeland of Australia—finds in his sock a tiny bottle of horilka and a half eaten salo burger. Because someone has to do this job, even if Santa fails.

Someone has to protect our belief in miracles.

© All rights reserved 2020

Open-Source Poetry Five #3 (Final)


This went a lot quicker than we expected… like a sleigh out of hell that careened across the sky in flames. Even baby Jesus himself is reeling!

Our Dearest Readers, because we didn’t receive any contributions for our last installment of Open Source Poetry, we feel it’s time to finish it. Yes, you have spoken and we have listened.

We have fashioned an ending of sorts and—as promised—we’ve mailed it to Santa. We’re dying to see his response…



© All rights reserved 2020

Open-Source Poetry Five #2

Dear Readers, have you ever visited SantaCon? It’s a magical combination of binge drinking, public urination and trauma to small children that everyone should experience at least once in their life. Why? Because it’s a reminder that no matter how bad things can get, there’s always something worse around the corner. We went once and were scared into leading fulfilled and happy lives from that point on!

We seriously have to wonder if SantaCon was invented by people who didn’t get any Christmas gifts right throughout their childhoods. It’s clear that they want adults to indulge the child within, rather than their actual children. And this would be a laudable goal if they weren’t puking all over one another in naked glitter-filled orgies. Is this their revenge on poor old Santa? It could be. Just read their rules:

Can I bring my kids?
Probably not. Kids get the rest of Christmas and all the other holidays. SantaCon is normally adults only.

Can I get smashed?
Sure. But if this is what you want to do, we ask that you stay home and don’t dress like Santa. Definitely don’t show up at a SantaCon.

Well, Dear Readers, let’s make it clear that we have no desire to cosplay Jung and Freud here. We’re merely trying to understand what exactly it is that motivates certain people to dream of being Santa whilst simultaneously wanting to kick the shit out of him. And although we might not understand this, we must concede that everyone has the right to go crazy in whatever fashion they choose. Crazy, after all, can be a lot of fun!

By the way, about the fun… It was great fun to read your submissions! There were a lot of terrific new lines that might have suited our communal letter poem thingy to Santa really well, and as such we felt our minds gradually slipping to the brink of cray cray in a way that was only mildly alarming. However, we eventually settled on SonOfDewangan’s submission because we felt it straddled that uncomfortable line of fun and crazy quite well. Congratulations, sir, you’re a psychotic fun wizard! Here’s how it looks:


Dear Mr Santypoos, how do you do?
Hope you don’t have COVID and the deer are healthy too.
Hope Rudolph’s nose still is bright red.
Time to wake them elves up from their bed,
but please do it so it’s real gentle like
or they’ll sue you without so much as a first strike.


(Oh, by the way! SonOfDewangan, we edited your lines a wee bit for the sake of the poem’s overall flow, so please don’t sue us! Everything is for the sake of poetry and getting nice gifts!)

So, Dear Readers, let’s keep this Santa friendly and socially responsible letter poem thingy going. We promise that neither you nor your kids will get smashed, even should you choose to dress like a drunken Santa, his red nosed, allergy-ridden reindeer, or even his outrageously big bosomed wife with the tinkly bell nipple piercings. All you need do is follow these simple festive steps:

1) Close your eyes and recall your deepest wish. 
2) Open your eyes, read the above lines of our poem in progress then submit one or two more lines of your own. 
3) We pick the lines we like most, add them to the poem and then write more. 
4) When the letter is done, we seal it, put all your names in the envelope, and send it to Santa with the next sled dog team that’s willing to chance harsh border lockdowns and Covid security measures.

By the way, as of this posting there are only 68 shopping days left until Christmas, so let’s crack that whip over those reindeer tushies!

© All rights reserved 2020

Open-Source Poetry Five #1

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas everyone!

Oh… Too soon?

Well, usually we’re two bums looking at the tail lights of Santa’s sleigh while we desperately turn out our pockets to find a pen and a sheet of paper for the letter we forgot to write him.

That’s why this year we have decided to be prepared. Like they say: “If you want to be happy, be so.” (Who actually said this by the way?)


Dear Mr Santypoos!

We have been a very good girl and boy during this unfestive pandemic and would subsequently like a nice gift* from you (but not a lump of coal like you gave us last Christmas, please).

Tati & Tony

*(Please make it a tiny, uninhabited island and a rad new PS5!)’

Hmmm… no. This sounds rather egoistical. And we’re pretty sure that you, Dear Reader, have also been a very good girl (or boy) this year and thus deserve a nice gift. Tell you what… how about we write a letter to Santa together? And we promise we’ll send it to the addressee when it’s done!

Oh, and what if we write the letter in the form of a lovely, rousing poem? That ought to soften Santa’s glacial heart, don’t you think? Here, we’ll begin…


Dear Mr Santypoos, how do you do?
Hope you don’t have COVID and the deer are healthy too.


So, if you want Santa to put something especially cool in your stocking this year then it’s easy! Just follow these simple, festive steps:

1) Close your eyes and recall your deepest wish.
2) Open your eyes, read the above lines of our poem in progress then submit one or two more lines of your own (even if you have a list of 1,918,223 items or somesuch try to pack this into only two lines).
3) We pick the lines we like most (especially if you’ve left us some milk and cookies with them) and we write some more lines to follow those.
4) When the letter is done, we seal it, put all your names in the envelope, and send it to Santa with the next express snowy owl.

By the way, as of this posting there are only 82 shopping days left until Christmas, so we need to hurry the eff up! Get crackin’, hoes! Ho ho ho!

© All rights reserved 2020

re: To Whom it May Concern

Truth be told, we weren’t expecting a reply, but the voice of a lone deer crying in the Arctic had been heard… so some kind of reply was perhaps inevitable. A certain Mr Klaus was the one to step up to the plate and give said reply.

Alas, all it amounted to was more bureaucratic run-around. Mr Klaus is clearly proficient in saying much while not saying anything. (He could run for President of the United States if he wanted to.) So, we have a question for you, Dear Reader: Are you still a believer in Santa? ‘Cause in the 21st century, it’s marginal, right?

In other words, we are going to need a lawyer in order to make a legal claim on behalf of Rudolph and his friends. (Could you advise us of a decent animal rights advocate?)

From: M. Klaus/Nicholas
To: #realchristmasombudsman;
Cc: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Subject: re: Regarding the matter of ongoing reindeer rights violations
Date: 25.12.2018

Thank you for relaying your concerns about inquiries and concerns expressed by a certain rogue punainen laskelmoiva suomalainen lentävät porot.

1. I am the author of the Reindeer Husbandry & Transport Engineering library, found in the Hague library & all Northern Hemisphere Departments of Special Supernatural Animals Care and Husbandry.

My nearly 1,800 years of experience and my full-time (except during “the season”) research and development has made me the premier authority, not only of the physical needs, but also the psychological development and treatment of reindeer mental health issues.

2. I only hire the fittest reindeer after rigorous testing from Finnish flying and pulling contests, and psychological screening. Some of these temporary hires come back and compete year-after-year, like American athletes, vying for places on their teams.

As Christmas Magic conveys virtual immortality on the winners, they cease to age; with our special diet and strength training, they grow to tremendous levels of strength and speed at high and low altitudes, easily a thousand times the abilities of normal reindeer.

A solid group of winners have developed into a semi-permanent team of part-time veterans. They are permitted to live & train in the luxurious North Pole team facilities, where they do as they please during the “off-season.” They often make extra compensation from countless breeding opportunities they may pursue, due to their “star” status and world-wide exposure.

We do have strict drug and behavior policies, which, if abused, result in probation, free rehabilitation, and if all measures fail, release without prejudice.

Each reindeer is assigned one of the stage names we developed over the centuries. This allows children extra stability in their understanding of the fun of Christmas. It also preserves the privacy of the reindeer team, and their backups during the rest of the year.

3. As our legal team advises us, the combination of temporary hires and special benefits makes them exempt from simple labor and agricultural laws aimed at protecting normal, natural reindeer.

4. On the topic of sexual harassment, we feel that there is nothing sexual or harassing involved in calling a reindeer, “deer” for short. As far as patting rumps, we feel the affection shown animals is an established tradition, accepted and enjoyed by the reindeer for centuries without a single episode of harmful, lewd, or demeaning behavior by our skilled trainers or M. Klaus/Nicholas.

5. On the topic of psychological abuse, we keep the diets of the reindeer optimal and generous. M. Klaus/Nicholas has not grown any larger for all those years, despite the constant acceptance of food and beverage gifts from all the children in the world.

Unfortunately, milk, cookies, Ho Ho Ho’s, and the like, contain ingredients that weaken the reindeers’ immune systems, despite all of our efforts to remedy their response to such food and beverage. We always pass on healthy food like carrots, fruits and other offerings clearly left for the reindeer. We also keep ultrapure water and freshly harvested greens available at all times, should hunger or thirst become an issue for one or more of the team.

6. The only problems we have experienced in the last year or two have been with the one mutant reindeer, who, unfortunately, thinks he is brighter than the others, just because we made an exception to our team limit of eight.

The team has been exposed to his negative behavior, such as grumbling, sniping, and occasional diversions from the designated route. We are still asking our psychologists to help this team member resolve his issues, and he seems to get back in the harness on “the day.” We plan to keep up our support for his improvement.

We hope this answers any questions you may have on the treatment of our most valuable assets. If anything is left open or unanswered contact us at once, though we ask that you please give us some extra consideration for inquires in December.

We hope you and your staff and their families have been “nice” this year so you get the gifts you want and deserve.

And to all, a good night.

M. Klaus/Nicholas

Comment by VON SMITH
© All rights reserved 2018