re: To Whom it May Concern

Truth be told, we weren’t expecting a reply, but the voice of a lone deer crying in the Arctic had been heard… so some kind of reply was perhaps inevitable. A certain Mr Klaus was the one to step up to the plate and give said reply.

Alas, all it amounted to was more bureaucratic run-around. Mr Klaus is clearly proficient in saying much while not saying anything. (He could run for President of the United States if he wanted to.) So, we have a question for you, Dear Reader: Are you still a believer in Santa? ‘Cause in the 21st century, it’s marginal, right?

In other words, we are going to need a lawyer in order to make a legal claim on behalf of Rudolph and his friends. (Could you advise us of a decent animal rights advocate?)
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From: M. Klaus/Nicholas
To: #realchristmasombudsman; topdog@realchristmasombudsman.org
Cc: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Subject: re: Regarding the matter of ongoing reindeer rights violations
Date: 25.12.2018

Thank you for relaying your concerns about inquiries and concerns expressed by a certain rogue punainen laskelmoiva suomalainen lentävät porot.

1. I am the author of the Reindeer Husbandry & Transport Engineering library, found in the Hague library & all Northern Hemisphere Departments of Special Supernatural Animals Care and Husbandry.

My nearly 1,800 years of experience and my full-time (except during “the season”) research and development has made me the premier authority, not only of the physical needs, but also the psychological development and treatment of reindeer mental health issues.

2. I only hire the fittest reindeer after rigorous testing from Finnish flying and pulling contests, and psychological screening. Some of these temporary hires come back and compete year-after-year, like American athletes, vying for places on their teams.

As Christmas Magic conveys virtual immortality on the winners, they cease to age; with our special diet and strength training, they grow to tremendous levels of strength and speed at high and low altitudes, easily a thousand times the abilities of normal reindeer.

A solid group of winners have developed into a semi-permanent team of part-time veterans. They are permitted to live & train in the luxurious North Pole team facilities, where they do as they please during the “off-season.” They often make extra compensation from countless breeding opportunities they may pursue, due to their “star” status and world-wide exposure.

We do have strict drug and behavior policies, which, if abused, result in probation, free rehabilitation, and if all measures fail, release without prejudice.

Each reindeer is assigned one of the stage names we developed over the centuries. This allows children extra stability in their understanding of the fun of Christmas. It also preserves the privacy of the reindeer team, and their backups during the rest of the year.

3. As our legal team advises us, the combination of temporary hires and special benefits makes them exempt from simple labor and agricultural laws aimed at protecting normal, natural reindeer.

4. On the topic of sexual harassment, we feel that there is nothing sexual or harassing involved in calling a reindeer, “deer” for short. As far as patting rumps, we feel the affection shown animals is an established tradition, accepted and enjoyed by the reindeer for centuries without a single episode of harmful, lewd, or demeaning behavior by our skilled trainers or M. Klaus/Nicholas.

5. On the topic of psychological abuse, we keep the diets of the reindeer optimal and generous. M. Klaus/Nicholas has not grown any larger for all those years, despite the constant acceptance of food and beverage gifts from all the children in the world.

Unfortunately, milk, cookies, Ho Ho Ho’s, and the like, contain ingredients that weaken the reindeers’ immune systems, despite all of our efforts to remedy their response to such food and beverage. We always pass on healthy food like carrots, fruits and other offerings clearly left for the reindeer. We also keep ultrapure water and freshly harvested greens available at all times, should hunger or thirst become an issue for one or more of the team.

6. The only problems we have experienced in the last year or two have been with the one mutant reindeer, who, unfortunately, thinks he is brighter than the others, just because we made an exception to our team limit of eight.

The team has been exposed to his negative behavior, such as grumbling, sniping, and occasional diversions from the designated route. We are still asking our psychologists to help this team member resolve his issues, and he seems to get back in the harness on “the day.” We plan to keep up our support for his improvement.

We hope this answers any questions you may have on the treatment of our most valuable assets. If anything is left open or unanswered contact us at once, though we ask that you please give us some extra consideration for inquires in December.

We hope you and your staff and their families have been “nice” this year so you get the gifts you want and deserve.

And to all, a good night.

M. Klaus/Nicholas

 

Comment by VON SMITH
Intro by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

To Whom it May Concern

From: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer <rreindeer@rovaniemi.fi>
To: The Christmas Ombudsman <xmasombudsman@un.org>
Subject: Regarding the matter of ongoing reindeer rights violations
Date: 19 December 2018, 12:18:30

To Whom it May Concern,

I wish to bring to your attention the repeated flagrant breaches of labour laws, as well as contravention of occupational health and safety standards, under management of a Mr Santa H. Claus (henceforth referred to as the Red Devil‘).

Breach 1: Physical abuse

According to guidelines, the average deer’s cargo capacity is 90-100 kg during winter and 30-40 kg during summer. Adjusted for the Bockelberg formula, the gross tractive effort of a sledge team that includes nine deer harnessed in tandem is about 40%. This means at Christmas time we can carry up to 360 kg, but not a metric tonne like someone counts!

We therefore demand that the aforementioned Red Devil complete a basic course in reindeer husbandry and transport engineering, and start a strict diet that does not include 6 packets of Jumbo Ho Hos a day. We will not budge on this.

Breach 2: Sexual abuse

In what reality is it acceptable for an overweight 1,748 year old white male to slap us on the ass and call us ‘dear’? Even with the quantum multiverse model of reality factored in, the total is none.

Not only is this behaviour patronising in the extreme, it also reduces us to mere pieces of meat, ripe to be ogled, demeaned, and condescended to. Several deer have already suffered severe emotional trauma due to this, and taken months of unplanned sick leave as a result.

Breach 3: Psychological abuse

Last, but not least, the gastronomical predilections of the aforementioned Red Devil.

He brazenly and callously consumes ‘rilkeil’ within eyeshot of all reindeer employees. As his waistline expands, more unplanned leave is taken, and morale plummets to an all-time low.

For your reference: “Rilkeil is a traditional Chukchi dish that is made from semi-digested moss from a slaughtered reindeer’s stomach mixed with blood, fat, and pieces of boiled reindeer intestine.” (Source: Nelson J. 2013. Before They Pass Away. teNeues, Kempen. 408 pp.)

We ask that you deal with this issue forthwith. He must not be allowed to ruin Christmas 2018 for everybody!

Regards,

Rudolph the Red-Nosed, the Shaft-Reindeer of Tinsel Squad (on behalf and upon authorization of: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen).

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

hushabye (black & blue)

every man a cocksure monster
every tongue a flattering lie
so let my absence fill your room

now that i am required to leave
will you speak inside my fizzy head
one last time
set the record straight
and i’ll turn my eyes to the skyline
say, “that’s the door”

every cock a father figure
every dalliance is the one
so let my absence fill your heart

now that i’m being made to leave
will you smack alive my 8-ball head
one last time
let my answer be no
and i’ll turn my eyes to the skyline
say, “that’s the door”

every oke a cocksucking ogre
every tryst yet another nail
so let my absence fill your coffin

hushabye radge, i see a door
you’ll not grieve me any more

 

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

Oops!… We Did It Again (cult of crucifixation)

Erm… hullo there. (This is rather awkward…)

Dear Reader, the stuff that was originally posted here has been removed.

We have done this because said stuff has since been included in one of our published books. We hope you’ll believe us when we say we’re not trying to be stingy. No, this has been done to honour the people who have already spent their hard-earned money on our eBook creations.*

If, however, for some reason you’re unable to buy one of our books, and feel you’ll die without seeing this piece of writing, then please contact us via admin@unbolt.me. We won’t allow our Dear Readers to fade away in the dark. We’ll send you the piece in question, and it will be absolutely free. All you need do is ask.

* Of course, we would be like two happy puppies if you too decided to buy one of our books.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018