MMORPB // Tati & Tony in Raiders of the Lost Snark Part Ten [Finale Part Deux] (Moderately Multiplayer Online Role Playing Book 18+)

or: EPISODE 10 [FINALE PART DEUX] // Where Tati Takes on Royalty and Tony Takes on Porn

 

In our previous episode, Tati and Tony unpacked Princess Bubblegum’s sordid past as a porno star, and discovered a very special candy with extra special properties...

Tony nearly jumped out of his skin. Tati merely looked back over her shoulder at the princess, fixing her with a withering look. “Hell’s teat!” she hissed. “What is your issue, woman?!”

Bubblegum was pale. Actually, more than that, she was visibly shaking. She was pointing right at the lollipop in Tony’s hand. The princess could barely contain herself.

“That… that…” She was struggling to get the words out. “That is… That’s the Sloppy Toppy Gobstoppy Lolly! Where in the Land of Ooo did you find that?!”

“Obviously sex with hamsters ruins the brain,” smirked Tati, “and now you’re babbling like one! It’s a cheap lollipop with a fresh, minty taste that I bought in duty-free. Its one redeeming feature is that it slices through air like an anvil through butter and hits its targets well. The taste is shit though.”

Bubblegum looked at Tati.  “I have a feeling you don’t understand how lollipops work. Are they all just cannonballs to you?”

Now Tati looked preoccupied. “Hmmm. Maybe I have got it slightly wrong. What do you propose I do with them instead?”

Bubblegum pointed at Tony’s lollipop again. “Well, if you’d just give me that then maybe I won’t have to kill you.”

Tony’s bottom lip wobbled. “But I’m hungry!” he whined.

“Oh, shut up!” snapped Tati, snatching the lollipop out of his hand. “I’d rather get this silly business over and done with so that I can get home and have a nice, hot bath!”

Bubblegum had her hand outstretched to receive the coveted candy when Tati suddenly yoinked it back again. “Wait,” she said to the princess, looking down and studying it with a suspicious eye. “I have a question. What exactly does this Sloppy Toppy Whatchamacallit do anyway? And why do you need it?”

Bubblegum sighed. She took the crown from her head and pointed to a big, blue pearl that adorned it. Tati hadn’t noticed this before, and was slightly annoyed at herself for not having done so. Moreover, the pearl seemed to have lost its shine, which is a detail you’d think would normally stick out like legs on a slug.

“Its protective properties weaken over time,” Bubblegum was saying. “Do you see? It loses its power, and becomes very dull. So, I need to replace it, otherwise the Lich will hold me and the Candy Kingdom in its thrall!”

Tati had no idea if Bubblegum was just speaking bullshit or if she was for real. And where was her nose anyway? She’d suddenly noticed that the princess had no nose. That was… disturbing. Tony didn’t seem to care in the slightest. He was eyeing the lollipop like it was a condemned man’s last meal.

It wasn’t an easy decision. For some weird reason, Tati knew that Bubblegum was speaking the truth, even if it sounded like the ravings of a hamster on crack. But she needed to ask another question. “Okay, so let’s suppose that any of this is true. But what the fuck with Tony’s suitcases? How do they have any connection to your idiotic Championship thing?”

“Yeah!” nodded Tony a little too sycophantically. “Explain that one, O High and Mighty Hamster Humping Princess!”

“I told you it was a rule of The Whistling Choir Death Match Championship!” shrieked Bubblegum in exasperation. “Every participant must have a crystal clear reputation, otherwise they will be banned! I don’t know why they insist on such prudish silliness but it’s not a chance I can take!”

“So…” Tati narrowed her eyes uncharitably. “So… you got the whole universe into a tizzy, and you kicked Tony and I headlong into a crazy mindfuck of a journey… and for what?! Because of some stupid, silly rules of a stupid, silly pennywhistle contest I’ve never heard of before?”

Bubblegum gave a tiny, almost embarrassed nod, as if to concede Tati’s point.

Tati stood there, arms folded across her chest, and still holding the lollipop in one hand. She studied the princess’s face closely. “Do you have something to eat at least?” She unfolded her arms and hiked her free thumb at Tony. “It looks like my friend is ravenous. I could probably do with a bite too.”

“And maybe some clothes,” chimed Tony.

“Oh, yes. Clothes!” Rueful, Tati shook her head. “And that aforementioned hot bath.”

Bubblegum finally relented, the hard line of her mouth finally melting into a teeny tiny smile. “Come with me. I’ll make sure you’re well and truly looked after. Pampered even.” She pointed at the lollipop in Tati’s hand. “As long as I can have that.”

It was at this point that Tati finally allowed herself a smile too, and it wasn’t much bigger than Bubblegum’s. Tony’s smile, however, was much bigger, shameless, and incredibly gormless—as was his wont.

“It just so happens that my new ‘Adventure Time’ movie is opening in theatres today. How about I treat the both of you to a slap-up meal at Shirley’s Rack & Grill, and a rub down at Poontang Po’s Shady Massage Spa before we check it out?”

Princess Bubblegum’s offer was a generous one, so Tati decided then and there to take her up on it. “Yes. That is acceptable. What do you think, Tony?”

Tony merely nodded like an overexcited labradoodle.

“First, let’s get you some clothes.” Bubblegum walked over to her wardrobe and flung open the doors. “I hope you like pink!”

 

Catch other episodes in this series:
THE PILOT // Where Tati Makes Tony Blush
EPISODE 2 // Where Tati Makes Tony Choke
EPISODE 3 // Where Tati Gives Tony a Fungus Face
EPISODE 4 // Where Tati Rescues Tony’s Suitcase
EPISODE 5 // Where Tati Grabs Tony’s Shirt
EPISODE 6 // Where Tati Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouses Tony to New Heights
EPISODE 7 // Where Tati Cocks the Hamster and Tony Watches
EPISODE 8 // Where Tati Refuses to be the Mother of Mutants and Tony Pouts
EPISODE 9 // Where Tati Battles Demonic Barbers and Tony Falls for a Bounteous Bouffant
EPISODE 10 [FINALE PART UN] // Where Tati Takes on Royalty and Tony Takes on Porn

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

MMORPB // Tati & Tony in Raiders of the Lost Snark Part Ten [Finale Part Un] (Moderately Multiplayer Online Role Playing Book 18+)

or: EPISODE 10 [FINALE PART UN] // Where Tati Takes on Royalty and Tony Takes on Porn

 

In our previous episode, Tati’s magical umbrella dropped her and Tony into the middle of a zombie pandemic. She decided to use it once more to get them out of strife but made the mistake of relying on Tony’s imagination for the next destination...

Princess Bubblegum was combing her luxuriously long, pink hair in front of her crystal pier glass when it happened—a flash of light and two sticky, naked bodies tumbling onto the floor beside her. While Tati was looking with ill-concealed contempt at all the pink and white bells and whistles lying about, Tony rushed to the corner nearest the door with a happy, girly scream.

“My suitcases!”

Bubblegum leapt to her feet in order to ‘cut him off at the pass’ as it were, only to be reminded that she herself was in little more than frilly lingerie. She grabbed her terrycloth bathrobe with the blue unicorn pattern and quickly covered herself up with it. The nude girly man was now pawing at the combination lock on one of the suitcases. Hell, was he actually making whining noises like a lost puppy?

While Bubblegum was busy choosing the words that princesses should say in such situations, Tati acted in a much less courtly way. She rolled her eyes, jumped to Tony’s side, and ripped the suitcase from his hands. She then headbutted the combination lock. It popped open without a hassle, springing the lid and spilling the suitcase’s contents all over the floor. It was at this point that Tony’s eyes widened in a look of startled recognition. Tati was about to start another slanging match with him when she noticed the same thing too.

It was just one colourful magazine among many. They goggled down at it, the magazine all plopped open like an unfolded garment on a laundry pile. It was the centre spread that had gotten their attention. Tati and Tony gaped like fish at a bait market, then directed their gaze at Bubblegum. They said in unison…

“Princess Bubblegum has titties?!”

Bubblegum’s face reddened as she covered her chest—even though it was already covered by a bra and bathrobe. “That was a different time!” she blurted defensively. “I had to make ends meet, and Marceline sure wasn’t going to do it with her stupid rock band antics!”

Tati’s face was a mixture of disbelief and disgust. “Yes, but… with hamsters?!”

Bubblegum looked down in shame. She wasn’t proud of it. Not at all.

“I thought it was sexy!” offered Tony politely. He’d seen the princess’s look of shame and sweetly—or was it selfishly?—wanted to wipe that away. It didn’t work. Her eyes flashed with a sudden resolve, and she fixed them with a steely, uncompromising stare.

“You saw it, and now I must kill you.”

Tony squeaked in terror. Tati folded her arms, making sure to stand between him and Bubblegum. She felt quite protective of her hapless friend. “Just try it,” she said in a barely audible voice that clearly meant business. “I will punch your face so hard that you’ll need a staple gun to attach it to your head again!”

“Your empty threats won’t work on me, byotch!” growled Bubblegum.

“Oh, come on!” spat Tati. “What’s the problem anyway, your pink lewd majesty? Everyone was young once. Everyone was making mistakes. You’re in fine company!”

Tony was drooling, his mind lost in recollections of his favourite scenes from ‘Studly & Kitty’s Pussy Party Frolics Vol. 11’, starring a certain young, horny, fresh-faced princess. Tati gave him a slap upside the head.

“Stallone, Jackie Chan, De Niro and Depardieu—hell, even a bunch of other celebrities I can’t think of right now. Do you see anyone of them here trying to kill my boy Tony here?”

“You seem to be doing a swell enough job of that yourself!” Bubblegum narrowed her eyes as if this would somehow underline her point more. And then, just like that, her expression changed to a full on scowl that was really starting to look like a wad of chewed bubblegum. “You don’t understand. I need to win the championship! It’s a matter of life and death!”

Tati blinked hard. “I’m sorry? What was that?”

“The Whistling Choir Death Match Championship.”

“Oh,” was all Tony could manage, his voice sounding rather solemn.

Tati looked rather shocked.

Bubblegum nodded sadly at their reaction. “If the organisers learn of my past in porn, I won’t be allowed to participate. And then how will I win the coveted Sloppy Toppy Gobstoppy Lolly?”

“How long is this chat going to be?” Tony was rubbing his jaw, looking a little emotionally fragile. “I’m hungry!”

Tati quickly regained her composure, and went to dig in her pockets to hand him something to eat. “Shit. I forgot we have no clothes on!” She rolled her eyes at her own forgetfulness.

Tony immediately got an erection.

Tati rolled her eyes again. “Put that away before I tear it off!”

It dutifully went back down, and Tony along with it. In fact, he was soon kneeling on the floor, a visibly deflated wreck of a man, his bald head bowed in defeat.

Tati’s eyes widened. Bald head! What was stuck to the back of it? Nothing other than a lollipop! But how the hell had that gotten there? She’d thrown one at the mysterious man in black back at the Greater Cachalot Mall, but they were hardly boomerangs, so it surely can’t have ricocheted into the back of Tony’s then hairy numbskull.

Could it?

Tati tore the lollipop from Tony’s sticky scalp and handed it to him. “Have this, you boob, but I hope for your sake it hasn’t spoiled yet!” He was about to lick said lollipop when Bubblegum suddenly screamed.

“NO!”

 

Catch other episodes in this series:
THE PILOT // Where Tati Makes Tony Blush
EPISODE 2 // Where Tati Makes Tony Choke
EPISODE 3 // Where Tati Gives Tony a Fungus Face
EPISODE 4 // Where Tati Rescues Tony’s Suitcase
EPISODE 5 // Where Tati Grabs Tony’s Shirt
EPISODE 6 // Where Tati Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouses Tony to New Heights
EPISODE 7 // Where Tati Cocks the Hamster and Tony Watches
EPISODE 8 // Where Tati Refuses to be the Mother of Mutants and Tony Pouts
EPISODE 9 // Where Tati Battles Demonic Barbers and Tony Falls for a Bounteous Bouffant

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

SPAM® Sushi #9

I am regular visitor, how are you everybody? This paragraph posted at this web page is actually pleasant.
— free hot live video chat

We feel quite honoured that an employee of the porno industry would choose to spend their hard earned lunch breaks with us! Having rumpy pumpy with complete strangers must surely be sweaty and tiring work, so we’re glad our poetry can be a soothing balm for all those throbby raw bits of yours that are screaming for rest.
Here, have yourself a nice cup of tea too!
Oh, by the way… There is kinda one tiny weeny thing we’d like to ask. (We hope it won’t offend.) Next time you visit, may we ask you to please put some clothes on? Or, failing that, turn your cam off?
— Tati & Tony (Two Shy Poetic Exhibitionists)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2019

Spam Sarnie #4

Dear readers, did you suppose we’d ever stop receiving spam? Nope. The onslaught continues! And so does our mission to respond to it all. Yup, this is one war we intend to win! So, we draw our lightsabers. We lower our visors. Rebellions are built on hope!

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We hope that institute of higher learning has a grammar department. Hell, even some avid advocates of corporal punishment would do. Someone needs to beat a healthy respect for basic sentence structure into you. Yeesh!
– Militant Grammar Nazis League

Thanks, Karen! I will post about the backsplash and a couple other details in the next week or two 🙂 I’ll try to remember and come back here and let you know when I do!
– Faustino Breaz

Dear Faustino, who’s Karen? And please don’t forget about our order! We need a nice front screen for protecting blogs from spam spatter. Model #NHDABBBRI2X10 should do. And it needs to be heated, self-cleaning and have Ukrainized menus.
– The You’d Better Bloody Send it or Else League

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Thank you. Now that we’re aware, we’ll nail a hanger for Princess Mary’s crown in the hallway. Please do visit us soon as we’ve never had tea and scones with royalty before! The theme of our discussion shall be ‘The pros and cons of quantum anarchy versus humdrum monarchy’. And the moderator? The March Hare! So, please do hurry. Limited seats are available!
– The RSVP Soon Our Once and Future Queen League

Now, wet bags are discreetly whisked off to be washed, or substituted with dry ones.
– iljqvkaru

What the hell kind of bags are you talking about? Bladders? According to urologists aren’t those supposed to be wet?!
– For the Love of Criminy Don’t Put Them in an Industrial Dryer or Theyll Explode League

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Oh, sure. Let’s have ourselves a big old anal carnival. NOT!
– The Covering Our Tushies With Our Hands Cos We Dont Trust You League

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

Spam Sarnie #3

In 1937, long before either of us existed, spam was born. That predates the internet, kids. The freakin’ INTERNET! And instead of reading spam, people would eat it. The horror!

Still, that’s not as bad as what took place in 1965. Somewhere in a movie studio in Japan, a can of refrigerated spam was hit by a downed Soviet bomber, setting off a nuclear explosion which in turn caused Spamera to be born.

Spamera didn’t have an easy time growing up. He was both a bully and the bullied. Any time he used his immense turtle shell to crush his enemies, it only served to sink him into a deeper depression. He was a pacifist by nature but everyone wanted him to be mean because he looked mean. Talk about messed up!

It’s much like the spam that clogs our inbox on a daily basis. Messed up! Still, we try to be civil and answer it all. Well, sometimes we’re not so civil…

It is the best time to make some plans for the long run and it is time to be happy. I have learn this submit and if I may I wish to suggest you few fascinating issues or advice. Perhaps you could write subsequent articles referring to this article. I wish to read even more things about it!
– Kiersten

Of course, Kiersten! We’re renowned experts in the field of ‘how to be happy for the really long run’. Unfortunately, the funeral guys took our pen and diary away. So we died. Damn.
– So Freaking Over the Moon League

I have not checked in here for some time since I thought it was getting boring, but the last few posts are good quality so I guess I will add you back to my daily bloglist. You deserve it friend 🙂
– ydxsnsx

God. We’re so relieved. We were on the verge of shutting the blog down! Hell, we would’ve faded away to nothing had you decided not to come back and grace us with your magnificent magnanimosity of magisterial proportions. Truly, you are a king/queen/thing among… erm, other things!
– Your Groveling Sycophants of Pathetic Needy-Weediness League

Her work frequently appears on many Internet sites and on her own organizing site Clutter Free Living as well as in her monthly Home Organizing Newsletter How to Be Clutter Free
– ttkdqqlx

Yet how strangely cluttered your sentences and username are. Erm. Is that you, Tati?! Is there something you need to tell me? Am I taking up too much space here?
– The Something Something Fill-it-up-With-Anything League

I see your page needs some fresh content. Writing manually is time consuming, there is tool for this task. Just search in gogle for; Fejlando’s tips
– AshleighSecc

Oh my god. For a moment there I read this as ‘Fellatio’s tips’.
– The Just Putting That Out There League

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016