¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?

Dear readers, I wrote a letter to Santa. Yup. I really did. In it, I spilled my guts. I bared my soul even. Hell, I was mortifyingly earnest. Isn’t that just well-meaning stupidity in disguise? Ugh. Anyway.

I informed Santa that I’ve decided not to celebrate Christmas this year, or in any year going forth. As an embittered former Christian it’s something I can no longer, in all good conscience, do. And as someone who hasn’t then gone the whole kit and caboodle and converted to atheism, it does make things a bit tricky socially speaking.

You see, some of my atheist chums ask me why I don’t just boycott Christmas, like it’s my goddamn duty or something. They wave their little magazines in my face, evangelising me, expecting me to be inspired and galvanised. Apparently, I’m supposed to display some newfound passion about my newfound liberation from the tired old shackles of religion.

But really, I couldn’t be arsed. Not when they’re foisting titles like Fairy Tale Crushers Quarterly or Militant Mind Monkeys Monthly or Dawkins’s Dick Butter Digest in my face. How can I be expected to swallow that? Even the covers with their smug tag lines put me off. “Freethink like us or we’ll laugh at you!” Okay. They do realise people have been laughing at me my entire life, yes? It’s not exactly a threat. I mean, it’s not eternal damnation or anything. Try harder, atheists! Actually, no, don’t. You’re as annoying as the theists.

God, I’m so tired. When did people start giving such gorilla-sized shits about what others think? I just could not be that arsed. Hell, my thoughts probably come out of my arse so who am I to be policing everyone else’s brain turds? Seriously, I’m not that invested. I just want a cup of tea and a nice lie down. I mean, how can they possibly maintain the requisite amount of fulminating engagement 24/7? They have to sleep some time! Do they sleep angry? God, I hate social justice warriors. They’re so fucking exhausting.

I hate Christmas. That’s the one thing I will agree with the atheists on. All those wasted childhood years praying for a better looking face. No wonder I feel so aggrieved. Christians say Jesus is the reason for the season. Okay. So where were you, Jesus, when I needed my merry miracle makeover? Off pumping Kim Kardashian full of the good DNA no doubt. What a cheap bastard. And what a bitch for hogging it.

My face. God. It looks like it was regifted. Some unlucky, hopelessly damned soul must have received this face one Christmas, gone “AUGH!” then crammed it back in its wrapping paper and regifted it to me the following Christmas. “Oh, Tony will have it. He likes weird shit.” “Oh, thanks. I guess I gotta wear this now so I don’t hurt your feelin’s or nothin’.” Still, I suppose it could’ve been worse. I could’ve been regifted a box of used condoms.

But is this all I’ve been reduced to? Covering over the crushing disappointment that is life with gaudy tinsel? Making everything Christmas to within an inch of its goddamn life, godammit? Screw social convention! It doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s not like I can drape Christmas over a pile of dead puppies and suddenly everything’s okay. No one looks at a pile of dead puppies draped with Christmas and says, “D’aaawww… Let’s go carolling!” I’ve tried to fit in with this holiday season malarkey. Truly, I’ve tried. But it’s not working.

One thing I did do was to grow my hair out. I figured if I could grow it long enough, it’d cover my face and entire body, and I’d look like a wookie. Then I could finally rejoin society because, you know, everyone’s worshiping the new Star Wars right now. Which means they’ve gotta love me, right? I’d be famous! I’d get invited to comic conventions, sit on panels and sign tits. Lovely! It’s what I’ve always wanted. Hell, I wouldn’t even have to be articulate. All I’d need to say is “GAAARRRGGGHHH!” in answer to everything. Fans would lap that shit up. They’d be lining up for decades, waiting for autographed pics of themselves swooning over my immaculately groomed wookie weenie.

So, anyway, I wrote Santa a letter. In it, I told him of my esteem obliterating ennui. Yes, I told him that I’m tired. That I think I need to go to sleep now. Maybe for good. I recommended that he not get me anything this year, that he keep the extra he would’ve spent buying me a Robot Action Smurf and get himself a shot of egg nog or a beard mitten instead. I don’t know. Whatever floats Santa’s boat. Oh, sorry. Sleigh. I meant sleigh.

God, I suck.

Anyway, dear readers, I apologise for this. I don’t wish to burden you with my unburdening. Have a sack load of festive humbugs on me.

Yours grudgingly,
Scroogey McScrooge.

PS: I burnt the letter and sent Santa a Facebook message instead. He still hasn’t friended me. He’s probably chilling somewhere on a Majorcan beach with hookers, blow and a toddy. What a tosser.

 

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

127 thoughts on “¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?

  1. First of all, I’m pretty sure no one thinks you are as ugly as you do. We don’t see ourselves very realistically. But even IF (did you catch the big if?) you are, so what? You’re witty and clever, intelligent and though I don’t know you, I’ll bet you have many other qualities that rock the worlds of peeps you know. People in general have a skewed perspective in which we attribute far too much to outward appearance, therefore, often missing the best of people. And then we throw religious platitudes on top of that. Well, you can see how that’s turned out. Which brings me to my second of all. Ever had a really great experience, read a fabulous book or seen an amazing movie? Of course you have. And what do you do? Tell everyone. Right? Now what about friends? Say you meet an incredible person – don’t you want all your friends to meet that person? That’s how I feel about Jesus. The problem with religion is that it’s not personal. It’s rules and judgments and “if-I-can-prove-I’m-better-than-you-I-don’t-have-to-feel-so-bad-about-me” crap. But that has nothing to do with introducing people I care about to my best friend who I believe is amazing. And if you don’t want to hang with us, I feel bad for what you might be missing, but I won’t unfriend you. Jesus is for everyone, but not everyone is for Jesus. If you get my drift. Thanks for the heart share. Thanks to Tati for liking my blog so I could enjoy yours! Good on ya, mate. (As my Aussie hubbie would say.) 😉 P.S. I’m sorry you are so tired. I get it. Life can be truly exhausting.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Tony – first, you are not ugly. Enough of that shit! Secondly, I’m an atheist, too, but I’m also a Christian. I was brought up a Catholic (that certainly explains the morphing into atheism, if nothing does) and so, I do feel comfortable with the music and the traditions which make up religions. (Well, maybe not the eye-watering incense smoke and that nightmare crown of thorns, but the other stuff,) I now attend a Congregational Church (my husband is a spiritual being- not sure why he was attracted to me – but not complaining) where people are open-minded and good and kind and when they’re not, I bitch slap them, which, I’ve found, straightens them right out. I respect and understand why others need religion and don’t try to change anyone. I’m responsible for me and that’s enough to keep me too busy to try to impose my own beliefs on or to implode other people’s beliefs and traditions. I think you get what I’m saying, because it sounds like what you’re saying without the asides on condoms, dead puppies or wookie weenies.
    What I really stopped by to say was I hope your New Year brings you lots of stuff to ramble and rant on because I do love your rambles and rants. Clare

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I feel ya, Christmas is not the most time for me as an introverted. But on the bright side is only a couple days and then I can go back to my normal self. I wish you and Tetiana a Merry Christmas. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I read this during a army briefing as I was bored out by same thing repeated over 12 months.

    Thanks for the funny post, it made the briefing bearable. hahaha

    Hope you are able to have a good christmas this year, at least 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Brilliant. Don’t you just love how we (humans) can remove a religion, but still want to tell people what they should think? I will stick with Christianity for now myself… as it has strict requirements against ‘self-righteousness’ (well, at least in the new testament…).

    As far as Christmas… Jesus was more likely born in the spring, not winter… the church just had a heck of a time getting rid of Yuletide and all that jazz. So, for me, it’s only about Santa Claus and presents, and family, and restoring a sense of magic in our lives. (Yes, even atheists need it… I mean they actually *believe* they control everything in their lives…lmao)

    Liked by 3 people

  6. There is nothing quite as bracing a heartfelt lament: yours was filled with passion. There is nothing I can say to comfort you. Frankly I don’t want to comfort you: passion rocks in any form. Nevertheless, in a very small voice from the corner, I have to say that I saw a trace of a silver lining. You are accustomed to being unhappy with your face, so you are free from bemoaning the angst of losing the beauty of youth. Signed Marley.

    Liked by 3 people

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