Lose to Night

Sisu in the face of certain doom.

There’s no earthly reason why I should be feeling what I feel today. From when my head left its pillow my stomach kicked in. It’s a coil of snakes writhing and golloping me up inside. I can’t concentrate to work. I can’t let go and play. I can only churn times ten. I’m a tight knot waiting to unravel.

The years have seen many friends fall to this monstrosity at the middle of me. Emotionally, I’m just too high maintenance. I go out of my way to cover it up but at some point the façade crumbles. It always does. And then they see me for what I really am. And they get overwhelmed. And eventually they flee.

So now I lock myself away, waiting to unspool. Please, for the love of criminy, just let me unspool. I want to come unutterably and exhaustively undone. Can I rejoin society then? I’m scared of losing the two people I care most about in this world. I need to be safe. Or at least safe enough to handle.

It’s not about aggression. That isn’t why I sit in this room listening to my music. It’s about having something be louder than something else. I need to rumble the snakes out, to shake the bastards loose. To let heavy metal do its thing. Maybe it can save me from myself this time. No, seriously. As preposterous and overblown as that might sound—as metal might sound—just… just save me.

I hear the voices roaring from the speakers. I feel them thundering from beneath the earth, drowning out my insides. And even as I lay buried, my roiling innards will not be silenced. So I scream too, adding my voice to this cognitive and sonorous dissonance. It’s never been about aggression. It’s always been about survival. About letting people know I’m still buried down here. Sleep is so stupid and wasteful. I have to live. I want to live.

I see you, you things inside of me. God, you’re beautiful, but you’re sick. I know what you are. And I know you cannot have me. See? I’m lobbing a Molotov. I’m torching you, motherfuckers. I will not lose to night.

Yeah. Sisu. Sisu in the face of certain doom. That’s what I choose.


© All rights reserved 2017

83 thoughts on “Lose to Night

  1. Powerful song there, friend. And powerful words in your post. Sometimes even expressing those feelings can be just as painful as actually going through them.
    It’s amazing sometimes the power music can have. And I agree about so many people misjudging metal and the people who listen to it.
    Here’s to metal and better days! *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

    • Absolutely! Expressing your innermost feelings is downright scary even. How will people respond? Are you overextending yourself? Knocking knees and chattering teeth time! And, yeah, I love me my metal. As part of an overall musical diet, it’s the best! 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I can relate….lit my fuse and exploded all over a friend (emotional metaphor people) got very ugly and this is a person I actually like and who liked me ( I think)…quite rare these days…lol Hang in there Tony.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks so much for reading, and for your candour! Yeah, the music really isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay. I’m glad you were able to relate to the writing though. Your support is appreciated! 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  3. You can’t change who you are. I understand why and how you want to try Tony really I do. But you are able to write like this and that MUST count for something .

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’ve been listening to the music of this guy I stumbled upon on YouTube today – Benjamin Clementine. And my first thought was: What does one do with something like this – something so grounded right here on earth but still transcends it beyond reach, if only for three minutes or so? There is a certain helplessness in words isn’t it? Much like music, much like all art I suppose! How the beauty of words arranged in a particular order can make it seem like we’re not here, and yet by that beauty we are doing no more than delight in or bemoan the very things around us we can’t escape, perhaps for not wanting to. You achieve, you’re making progress. Sure, at times towards the light, but other times deeper into the night…
    This poem has made me feel helpless. Beauty mixed with tears, like scooping platefuls of chocolate in the face of our broken hearts. You have spoken so very well for something – or someone – within me. But I don’t know if I should rejoice or recoil! Either way, thank you

    Liked by 2 people

    • Music is one of a handful of anchors I have in this world, so I really relate to what you’re saying, David. I say rejoice, because even despairing songs hold hope. The fact that people still choose to give voice to their despair gives me hope within the midst of mine. It says we’re still alive, and that all is not lost. There’s still time for more than just despair. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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