1 How is it that I can heal, but not make them shut up…
2 ‘Peter! Look! He’s waking!’
3 ‘My name isn’t Peter. Why do you keep calling me Peter? I’m Simon!’
4 ‘No, dude. I’m Simon. You’re Peter.’
5 ‘No, I’m jolly not!’
6 ‘Hey, man. Chill! 7 We can’t both be called Simon. Otherwise we’d be Simon and Simon. 8 How would that work?’
9 ‘Then why don’t you change your name? Pick something else you like.’
10 ‘I like Simon!’
11 Oh, great. I think I may have come to in a storm water drain. It’s not the most dignified way to greet a new day. 12 I stir, the muck and piss swirling around me, it adding shame to the pounding behind my eyes. 13 Ugh! I feel like carpenters have set up shop in my forehead, 14 and my mouth feels like a donkey’s arse.
15 I murmur, ‘Shut up, will you? You both are bleating like old nanny goats!’ 16 They look at me, shocked, but I don’t care. 17 ‘You do realise it’s possible for people to share the same name, don’t you?’
18 The second Simon looks at the first Simon with the expression of a goat that’s been goosed mid chew.
19 ‘Hm. I suppose so,’ says the second Simon grudgingly.
20 ‘Yeah…’ allows the first Simon. ‘Check out Judas and Judas. I guess they cohabit just fine.’
21 ‘I’m Jude, you dingbats. JUDE. It’s not the same thing at all!’
22 ‘I thought you were called Thaddaeus.’
23 ‘Shut up, Iscariot.’
24 Oh my god! Why do they go on like this all the time? It’s like they can’t help themselves. Maddening! 25 Did I really hire this bunch of simpletons? I must have been drunk! 26 Oh, that’s right. I was drunk…
27 ‘Don’t tell me to freaking shut up, you great protruding camel toe!’
28 ‘I think you need some knuckle bread! Shall I give it to you?’
29 ‘I freaking dare you to give it to me!’
30 Oh, isn’t this just fabulous. 31 They look like they’re almost ready to fight. Always with the fighting! 32 At least I know what can be done to soothe them. I sigh. I get to my feet. I unzip my pants.
33 ‘Elohim be praised!’ gasps Bartholomew. He’s always gasping over stuff. He’s a gasp whore. He’ll gasp over clipped toenails if you give him half a chance. 34 ‘Jesus is about to make more wine! Thank you, O Master!’
35 ‘Yes! Share with us your Holy Spirit!’ chimes Philip.
36 These self-titled ‘apostles’ crowd around me, hands cupped and reaching. All twenty-four of them! 37 God, did they double overnight? It’s getting weird around here.
38 ‘Hey, you know what?’ says Matthew, a considered look on his face. ‘We should market this. People would lap it up!’
39 How like a tax collector. Always trying to monetise everything.