ABSURDIS EXTREME // Case Study #201 [24/04/2014]

Once upon a time, my belly was made of cookie dough. I don’t know how or why it happened. Or even when. One moment I was crushing whole anvils with mere stomach crunches, and the next I was resisting the urge to bake and eat myself.

It’s thanks to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ that my prayers were heard, and that there were suddenly peanuts and raisins in my belly! I was able to pick these out and be satiated without giving in to the horrifying temptation of chewing on my own flesh. Who chews flat dough without raisins anyway? Nobody but godless heathens, that’s who!

All this to say that this is why I believe in miracles. A real life one happened to me that day and I’ll be eternally grateful for it. I mean, what would have happened if I’d eaten my own belly? I would have had no belly left to… fill my belly. And then where would I have been? Damn. Such a scary thought!

And then they invented chocolate…

Dough Belly

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023

Believe in Yourself

It was a dark and stormy night. As always, I hid under the blanket with an apple, a copy of the Encyclopædia Britannica and a tiny flashlight.

On this occasion, I was engrossed with the sixth volume (Châtelet to Constantine), namely the entry on Christmas. I needed to prepare my arguments for next week’s theology club dispute. And I considered it a ‘dispute’ because rarely was the debate civil. It tended to be more like a wrestling smackdown of biblical proportions.

According to the text, the body of gospel tradition began not with the birth, but the baptism. And Herod the Great ordered the ‘massacre of the innocents’ which was news to me. Hm. Were there really three wise men? Mum and Dad never said anything to me about a census either. And why were the dates listed vague at best?

Anxious, I stared at the holes in my hands. There was no way I was going to win with such lame argumentation. In frustration, I bit my flashlight instead of the apple. Everything plunged into darkness.

But then I pulled myself together. No, those who’d believe would… well, simply believe. I adjusted the light of my halo over the page and read on.

Believe in Yourself

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2022

mid death crisis (let him be)

he didn’t walk free on the third day
he preferred to play possum instead
the stone of inevitability
was rolled away, but he chose to stay

in the tomb, he laid to reminisce
but god the father kept making calls
he ignored them and added the contact
to his black list, he was rather pissed!

the needy seek salvation
but who cares for the soul of a saviour?

“stop harassing me, you bearded schmuck!”
he prayed, snug in his burial cloth
“i wanna sleep in, have coffee in bed
not hear your muck! patronising cluck!”

so, he pulled out ‘jenga: day of doom’
blessed the morons who’d banned this comic
buried himself in its yellowed pages
happy on shrooms, human life resumed

the needy seek salvation
but who cares for the soul of a saviour?

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018

storm in a teacup (spit & forget)

i have lost
the storm is already in my head
verbum domini
someone take this teacup from me

i’m roaring from beneath the earth
life, you beautiful bastard
you’ve gone and avalanched me again

her plane flew the coop
she left me to silk another day
and i am bereft, here to rot
death beneath an ashen tree

i’m roaring from beneath the earth
in an arc of sonic dismay
life gone, you’ve avalanched me again

farewell to thee, my dead christ
farewell to thee, my once fey
to crucifix and pricked white bosom
farewell fate’s capricious dice
farewell this bleak and empty day
in the month of may i hied away

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2019