Christ Pisses His Life Away (Chapter Two)

1 How is it that I can heal, but not make them shut up…

2 ‘Peter! Look! He’s waking!’

3 ‘My name isn’t Peter. Why do you keep calling me Peter? I’m Simon!’

4 ‘No, dude. I’m Simon. You’re Peter.’

5 ‘No, I’m jolly not!’

6 ‘Hey, man. Chill! 7 We can’t both be called Simon. Otherwise we’d be Simon and Simon. 8 How would that work?’

9 ‘Then why don’t you change your name? Pick something else you like.’

10 ‘I like Simon!’

11 Oh, great. I think I may have come to in a storm water drain. It’s not the most dignified way to greet a new day. 12 I stir, the muck and piss swirling around me, it adding shame to the pounding behind my eyes. 13 Ugh! I feel like carpenters have set up shop in my forehead, 14 and my mouth feels like a donkey’s arse.

15 I murmur, ‘Shut up, will you? You both are bleating like old nanny goats!’ 16 They look at me, shocked, but I don’t care. 17 ‘You do realise it’s possible for people to share the same name, don’t you?’

18 The second Simon looks at the first Simon with the expression of a goat that’s been goosed mid chew.

19 ‘Hm. I suppose so,’ says the second Simon grudgingly.

20 ‘Yeah…’ allows the first Simon. ‘Check out Judas and Judas. I guess they cohabit just fine.’

21 ‘I’m Jude, you dingbats. JUDE. It’s not the same thing at all!’

22 ‘I thought you were called Thaddaeus.’

23 ‘Shut up, Iscariot.’

24 Oh my god! Why do they go on like this all the time? It’s like they can’t help themselves. Maddening! 25 Did I really hire this bunch of simpletons? I must have been drunk! 26 Oh, that’s right. I was drunk…

27 ‘Don’t tell me to freaking shut up, you great protruding camel toe!’

28 ‘I think you need some knuckle bread! Shall I give it to you?’

29 ‘I freaking dare you to give it to me!’

30 Oh, isn’t this just fabulous. 31 They look like they’re almost ready to fight. Always with the fighting! 32 At least I know what can be done to soothe them. I sigh. I get to my feet. I unzip my pants.

33 ‘Elohim be praised!’ gasps Bartholomew. He’s always gasping over stuff. He’s a gasp whore. He’ll gasp over clipped toenails if you give him half a chance. 34 ‘Jesus is about to make more wine! Thank you, O Master!’

35 ‘Yes! Share with us your Holy Spirit!’ chimes Philip.

36 These self-titled ‘apostles’ crowd around me, hands cupped and reaching. All twenty-four of them! 37 God, did they double overnight? It’s getting weird around here.

38 ‘Hey, you know what?’ says Matthew, a considered look on his face. ‘We should market this. People would lap it up!’

39 How like a tax collector. Always trying to monetise everything.

© All rights reserved 2017

45 thoughts on “Christ Pisses His Life Away (Chapter Two)

  1. Ye-a-a-h! Very humorous! It makes the distinction of several things that have bothered me too. though not unduly.

    One other thing I’ve always found odd? Is that the historian Josephus, is kinda’ the first historian to report on this, messiah? Then the husband of Mary … really Mary? In a Jewish society of 2,000 years ago? Guess who her husband is? That’s right! Good ol’ Josephus, himself? Hmmm? Cheers Jamie

    Liked by 4 people

    • Makes you wonder about the veracity of such ancient texts, doesn’t it? Although, to be fair, I wonder about the veracity of modern ones too. The news seems to be chock-full of ‘alternative facts’ these days. 😉

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I saw camel toe and pressed like.
    But I am sure I’d be offended if I had read the bible. And since no one else is getting offended, much to your dislike, I’ll help you. “Hope you burn in hell for the blasphemy against god and his word, you non-believer. Repent now or christ will piss on you”. 😉

    Liked by 5 people

  3. From now on, I will describe every hangover I have as being ‘like carpenters have set up shop in my forehead.’ Not that I think I’m Jesus or anything, it’s just my favourite line of this brilliant piece, all of it really made me chuckle! X

    Liked by 4 people

    • This has to be one the absolute best comments we’ve ever had. I need to LOL around on the floor for a bit (or is that ROL.. but then the joke doesn’t work). Just excuse me for a moment… 😛

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Took me forever to figure out why you were numbering everything, and then “Doh! Biblical references!”

    Did you highlight Jesus’s words in red ink? my phone removes special formatting, that’s why I asked! It would increase the Bible-style if presentation. Also, I was expecting a “Jesus wept” allusion to masturbating or something. Perhaps I’m pervier (Pervy-er?) than I knew?

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Tetiana Aleskina & Tony Single: such a time! How did you get the key to the back door wherein you hid the vid-n-sound swipe device? I bit off seventeen toes to keep from howling and dropping trou to see if wine were replicable by some poor swimmer like me. Somewhere and Somewhen there is a double-blessed delirious diety done full-search for a mender of holy busted guts got from overlaughing. Well Done!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Reblogged this on richwrapper and commented:
    Unbolt Me: ablsolute(ion) be thine! I quick flung a headline over your tour-de-farce suggesting He is lurking about in search of busted-gut fixer after reading this rave right onishly. Such insight into so many levels! Thanks. I will have to go about Sanford this afternoon wearing two paper grocery sacks to hide the ear-to-ear grin that surely would get me tossed to see what substance I had ingested and surely I am not positive I could keep the secret of your authorship!

    Liked by 4 people

    • Ha ha ha! That is awesome, my friend. I say let the grin shine anyway. That is a fantastic outcome for a story that we were sure would get us tarred and feathered and run out of town. 😛

      Liked by 2 people

    • Wonder who was first to laugh? The guy who found when out of wine, don’t whine just make some change! The wonderful interplay of men being boys in the midst of miracles and facing all manner of human foibles embedded in the midst of sure mayhem, coming martyrdom and maybe worse for the sake of this grinning sailor who said such outrageous things before breaking a fast: you gotta be kidding me: the kinda harumphers wouldn’t know where the nearest pit was, muchless how to scoop enough out and then induce enough down off a duck’s ass to make a worthwhile rail-decoration just ain’t in your martyr-cards, friends. I speak to (not sure if with applies) to all manner of biblical figures – and authors – all the time and let me assure you they not only get the joke but authored most of them as well. I’ll leave you with a Spider Robinson (Crosstime Saloon series) conundrum: If A Thief Commits Thievery; A Felon Commits Felony; A Glutton Commits Gluttony – pardon I added one or two not in the original – Then God Is AN IRON!

      Liked by 3 people

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