1 How is it that I can heal, but not make them shut up…
2 ‘Peter! Look! He’s waking!’
3 ‘My name isn’t Peter. Why do you keep calling me Peter? I’m Simon!’
4 ‘No, dude. I’m Simon. You’re Peter.’
5 ‘No, I’m jolly not!’
6 ‘Hey, man. Chill! 7 We can’t both be called Simon. Otherwise we’d be Simon and Simon. 8 How would that work?’
9 ‘Then why don’t you change your name? Pick something else you like.’
10 ‘I like Simon!’
11 Oh, great. I think I may have come to in a storm water drain. It’s not the most dignified way to greet a new day. 12 I stir, the muck and piss swirling around me, it adding shame to the pounding behind my eyes. 13 Ugh! I feel like carpenters have set up shop in my forehead, 14 and my mouth feels like a donkey’s arse.
15 I murmur, ‘Shut up, will you? You both are bleating like old nanny goats!’ 16 They look at me, shocked, but I don’t care. 17 ‘You do realise it’s possible for people to share the same name, don’t you?’
18 The second Simon looks at the first Simon with the expression of a goat that’s been goosed mid chew.
19 ‘Hm. I suppose so,’ says the second Simon grudgingly.
20 ‘Yeah…’ allows the first Simon. ‘Check out Judas and Judas. I guess they cohabit just fine.’
21 ‘I’m Jude, you dingbats. JUDE. It’s not the same thing at all!’
22 ‘I thought you were called Thaddaeus.’
23 ‘Shut up, Iscariot.’
24 Oh my god! Why do they go on like this all the time? It’s like they can’t help themselves. Maddening! 25 Did I really hire this bunch of simpletons? I must have been drunk! 26 Oh, that’s right. I was drunk…
27 ‘Don’t tell me to freaking shut up, you great protruding camel toe!’
28 ‘I think you need some knuckle bread! Shall I give it to you?’
29 ‘I freaking dare you to give it to me!’
30 Oh, isn’t this just fabulous. 31 They look like they’re almost ready to fight. Always with the fighting! 32 At least I know what can be done to soothe them. I sigh. I get to my feet. I unzip my pants.
33 ‘Elohim be praised!’ gasps Bartholomew. He’s always gasping over stuff. He’s a gasp whore. He’ll gasp over clipped toenails if you give him half a chance. 34 ‘Jesus is about to make more wine! Thank you, O Master!’
35 ‘Yes! Share with us your Holy Spirit!’ chimes Philip.
36 These self-titled ‘apostles’ crowd around me, hands cupped and reaching. All twenty-four of them! 37 God, did they double overnight? It’s getting weird around here.
38 ‘Hey, you know what?’ says Matthew, a considered look on his face. ‘We should market this. People would lap it up!’
39 How like a tax collector. Always trying to monetise everything.
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017
unbolt me 
lol I’m going to have to blame you when I get in trouble for calling someone a “great protruding camel toe”! Too funny! 😛
LikeLiked by 4 people
Oh my god. I can just imagine you doing that too! Lemme know how that works out for ya… 😛
LikeLiked by 2 people
Haha Will do! 😛
LikeLiked by 2 people
My face bit was ‘He’s always gasping over stuff. He’s a gasp whore. He’ll gasp over clipped toenails if you give him half a chance.’ such a great image!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Eeerrr fave not face. Sleep deprived face did not notice autocorrect being helpful.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Still, we got this funny comment out of it, so it all worked out well really. 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hee hee! Thank you, AT. I was hoping people would find that bit funny, and not just me. 😛
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ye-a-a-h! Very humorous! It makes the distinction of several things that have bothered me too. though not unduly.
One other thing I’ve always found odd? Is that the historian Josephus, is kinda’ the first historian to report on this, messiah? Then the husband of Mary … really Mary? In a Jewish society of 2,000 years ago? Guess who her husband is? That’s right! Good ol’ Josephus, himself? Hmmm? Cheers Jamie
LikeLiked by 4 people
Makes you wonder about the veracity of such ancient texts, doesn’t it? Although, to be fair, I wonder about the veracity of modern ones too. The news seems to be chock-full of ‘alternative facts’ these days. 😉
LikeLiked by 3 people
I saw camel toe and pressed like.
But I am sure I’d be offended if I had read the bible. And since no one else is getting offended, much to your dislike, I’ll help you. “Hope you burn in hell for the blasphemy against god and his word, you non-believer. Repent now or christ will piss on you”. 😉
LikeLiked by 5 people
Oh my stars and garters! Getting pissed on forever and ever, amen? That’s some serious mind screwing right there! (Thanks for reading, 9tankz.) 😛
LikeLiked by 3 people
From now on, I will describe every hangover I have as being ‘like carpenters have set up shop in my forehead.’ Not that I think I’m Jesus or anything, it’s just my favourite line of this brilliant piece, all of it really made me chuckle! X
LikeLiked by 4 people
We were quite eager to write this line as it seemed quite clever. Well, we hoped it was clever and that our readers would agree. Thank god you liked it! 😛
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m flying about in my ROFLcopter, considering heading to the starport so I can board my LOLwing. Nice. Very nice.
LikeLiked by 4 people
This has to be one the absolute best comments we’ve ever had. I need to LOL around on the floor for a bit (or is that ROL.. but then the joke doesn’t work). Just excuse me for a moment… 😛
LikeLiked by 2 people
Took me forever to figure out why you were numbering everything, and then “Doh! Biblical references!”
Did you highlight Jesus’s words in red ink? my phone removes special formatting, that’s why I asked! It would increase the Bible-style if presentation. Also, I was expecting a “Jesus wept” allusion to masturbating or something. Perhaps I’m pervier (Pervy-er?) than I knew?
LikeLiked by 4 people
Damn. We should totally have done that. Maybe we should still put his words in red, huh? It’s a genius idea! And, hey, pervy is better than scurvy, so keep on being pervy I say! 😛
LikeLiked by 3 people
I had not thought of biblical referent to the numbers, Kirizar, so now I will have to go back and reread with my critical left eye emplaced. Oh, the disgust! Thanks for the excuse.
LikeLiked by 3 people
We don’t mind that excuse as long as it keeps eyes on our writings. We’re a little bit narcissistic that way. 😛
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why do you put those numbers?
LikeLiked by 3 people
That’s a good question actually. They’re verse numbers, just like in the Bible. 😀
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh. I’m not Christian, you see, so I don’t know much about the Bible.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes, there are more and more people these days who don’t, but I must admit that I consider that a good thing in a lot of ways. 😀
LikeLiked by 2 people
Tetiana Aleskina & Tony Single: such a time! How did you get the key to the back door wherein you hid the vid-n-sound swipe device? I bit off seventeen toes to keep from howling and dropping trou to see if wine were replicable by some poor swimmer like me. Somewhere and Somewhen there is a double-blessed delirious diety done full-search for a mender of holy busted guts got from overlaughing. Well Done!
LikeLiked by 3 people
I totally love that this made you laugh so hard, Rich. That really does put a huge, stupid grin on my face! 😛
LikeLiked by 2 people
Reblogged this on richwrapper and commented:
Unbolt Me: ablsolute(ion) be thine! I quick flung a headline over your tour-de-farce suggesting He is lurking about in search of busted-gut fixer after reading this rave right onishly. Such insight into so many levels! Thanks. I will have to go about Sanford this afternoon wearing two paper grocery sacks to hide the ear-to-ear grin that surely would get me tossed to see what substance I had ingested and surely I am not positive I could keep the secret of your authorship!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Ha ha ha! That is awesome, my friend. I say let the grin shine anyway. That is a fantastic outcome for a story that we were sure would get us tarred and feathered and run out of town. 😛
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wonder who was first to laugh? The guy who found when out of wine, don’t whine just make some change! The wonderful interplay of men being boys in the midst of miracles and facing all manner of human foibles embedded in the midst of sure mayhem, coming martyrdom and maybe worse for the sake of this grinning sailor who said such outrageous things before breaking a fast: you gotta be kidding me: the kinda harumphers wouldn’t know where the nearest pit was, muchless how to scoop enough out and then induce enough down off a duck’s ass to make a worthwhile rail-decoration just ain’t in your martyr-cards, friends. I speak to (not sure if with applies) to all manner of biblical figures – and authors – all the time and let me assure you they not only get the joke but authored most of them as well. I’ll leave you with a Spider Robinson (Crosstime Saloon series) conundrum: If A Thief Commits Thievery; A Felon Commits Felony; A Glutton Commits Gluttony – pardon I added one or two not in the original – Then God Is AN IRON!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Oh, the irony! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person