ABSURDIS EXTREME // Case Study #54 [01/08/1962] by B.A. Loney

This is the story of One-Legged Spider who had only… well, you know. Despite this drawback, he was a famous Hollywood star and black belt origami master. And not only had One-Legged Spider starred in smash hits such as ‘Spider Wars: The Empire Skitters Back’, ‘The Bourne Arachnid’ and ‘Webfinger’, he’d also folded a 1,800 square foot replica of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon out of nothing but wet crepe paper with one leg tied behind his back. This was, as you can imagine, quite the feat, and it made him more famous than Elvis and Jesus combined.

In his reckless younger days, One-Legged Spider also starred in a handful of features that some might consider to be questionable at best. ‘Gachimuchi Fibres Wrestling’ was one of these, and ‘Coochi-Moochi-Gachimuchi-Slam’ was another. Naturally, One-Legged Spider didn’t like to recall this period of his life. The mistakes of youth need not forever haunt maturity. And, thankfully, few others seemed to remember this dark past or even care. They loved him for his action roles and his prowess with paper, and that was that.

There was, however, a secret that he hoped would never get uncovered—a potential career killer if you will. One-Legged Spider had only one testicle. He’d had eight testicles at one point in his life but no longer, and One-Legged Spider’s one remaining testicle had been flying solo since at least his porn days. Of course, his recollection was a little hazy so he couldn’t be entirely sure of this. Or maybe it was after his porn days. Maybe COVID-19 had taken his other testicles. Or MPOX. But what about that really rough night in Thailand when he’d woken up in the arms of two transvestites and a pitbull? It couldn’t have been the transvestites could it? They’d saved One-Legged Spider from the trash fox—that pathetic, would-be mugger—and returned his wallet to him, hadn’t they? Perhaps the pitbull then… but the pitbull had been so friendly. But, then again, its version of ‘friendly’ entailed sniffing his crotch. Oh no! So confusing!

But you know what? It doesn’t really matter. What really matters are the words on One-Legged Spider’s tombstone: ‘A dear husband, father and grandpa, your life is a beautiful memory. We love you. Your wife, your 1,024 children, your 1,048,576 grandchildren, two transvestites and a pitbull.’

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023

26 thoughts on “ABSURDIS EXTREME // Case Study #54 [01/08/1962] by B.A. Loney”

  8. An epic story and inspirational. This spider didn’t sit and complain about having 7 fewer legs than most other spiders. Nay. It went out and conquered the world. I for one would really like to see that replica of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

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