last october

i will always love you
mother, who carried me
it’s been a year since you’ve gone
i feel your smile lingering on
& i still don’t know why
you won’t let me lay down & cry

i miss you more now, it’s true
& still don’t know what i’m to do
guess i could pass your kindness on
instead of waiting for death erelong
for as long as i’ve left to live
i guess i’ll learn to let it be

‘don’t go near the frangipani tree’
this is what you would say to me
then i‘d try to be your good boy
won’t you let me cry now please

i never did learn to see you true
never did wonder if you felt rue
a lifetime of days before i was born
like petals fallen in the dawn
it feels like i hardly knew you
now i’m here too late… & waiting

& yet i will always love you
mother, who carried me
i miss you more each passing day
& now i find there’s less to say
with this vast space between us
i hope i was your good boy

‘don’t go near the frangipani tree’
this is what you would say to me
i don’t think your boy can smile any more
won’t somebody let me cry now please

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2025

17 thoughts on “last october”

  3. When my mom died 15 years ago I cried. Today sometimes (like her upcoming birthday next week) I want to cry more. I want to cry over my lost dad who has been gone six years… I never really did cry over him. I am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds that make it very hard for me to actually shed a tear. This poem I felt! Maybe some day the tears will flow for both you and I. Until then, hold those memories tight! 🤗🫶🏼🌹

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    Reply

    • I guess there’s really no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve when all’s said and done. May I ask… was it quite an adjustment when you found it more difficult to cry after you began your medication? I used to cry all the time, and easily, but the last nearly ten years of not really being able to has really messed with my head. (And I’m sorry for the loss of both your parents. That sounds really rough.) 🙏

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    • It was very alarming and frustrating finding it impossible to cry. There are many times I really wish I could. I still have pain and sadness I just can’t get it out. So I write my emotions out a lot. It is especially annoying because I can laugh from time to time and have laughed until I have “cried”… but no sad crying. I hope you find some inner peace with this conflict. Sending you hugs and positive vibes. 🫂

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    • It sounds like my experience very much mirrors yours, but without the meds. I was quite willing to go on meds for my depression and anxiety but after too many tries with various different types of treatment, I found that meds were messing me up way too much… and, actually, in some cases making my depression and anxiety even worse. I wish it had been otherwise. So, I’m glad they have worked out for you. That is such a good thing. I definitely would encourage people to investigate the medication route for sure, but I guess for others… well, they may unfortunately have to find a different way. At the end of the day, I guess it’s different strokes for different folks really. (And, thank you for the hugs and positive vibes. They are very much appreciated!)

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    • And just because meds have not worked in the past doesn’t mean that something new may come out there that will help. I know I was on Rexulti for a while and it became ineffective. The doctor recommended a switch to Auvelity and that has been better. Of course being a new medications my insurance doesn’t cover it, but insurance in the US is a whole different horror story. Nice to chat with you… remember it is okay to not be okay (best slogan I have ever heard). 🤗

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