Tag Archives: Body parts

And That’s How I Met Your Mother

She walked down the street, carrying a bag with a small, ugly muzzle sticking out of it. Ugh! Since when did we start using pets like mere, fancy accessories? No, I was going to do something about this…

We both happened to be passing the same bakery so I stopped off to buy the biggest baguette they had then put one end of it down the front of my pants. I let the other end jut lewdly past my chin like the biggest erection anybody ever saw.

With all that set up, I made sure to cross paths with the lady. I ran ahead a city block and appeared around the corner, right before her very face. Hell, I swaggered, waving my hips like the cheapest dock whore alive. She gave a small cry at my wagging ‘penis’ and covered her shabby mongrel’s eyes with her hand.

“Don’t look, sweetie!” she gasped. “Never have I seen such vulgarity!”

But the dog wouldn’t listen. Upon seeing what I was parading around with, it launched itself from the bag and chomped down. The whole top end of my baguette came off in its rapacious maw, then it dropped to the ground and ran off with it.

“What did you do?!” shrieked the lady. She was beyond hysterical now. “Do you know how much that dog cost?”

“Hey, they don’t give out baguettes for free either!” was my retort.

People were beginning to gather around. Some were even pointing at the crumbly bulge in the front of my pants. Seeing this, I decided to rip some more of the baguette out and tear a huge chunk off of it with my teeth. One or two onlookers fainted at this.

“No!” snapped the lady, jumping at me. “If you deprived me of my dog, I have a right to your baguette!”

She dropped in front of me, yanked my zipper down, then fished out the last section of baguette from my pants. Looking up at me, she defiantly tore a huge chunk off of it with her teeth. She chewed and smacked her lips and gulped like it was her final meal, right there on her knees!

The crowd gasped.

“Damn!” I said, hands on hips. “I never let a lady do that to me until at least the second date!”

The lady blinked at this. “Then… why don’t you date me?”

And so we lived happily ever after. (And had only cats.)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023

Gogga Blend

It began with a tragedy. I truly thought I’d not survive it but I did. Have you ever found a spider in your morning coffee? Or, more precisely, the last spoon of coffee that you scratched from the tin. That’s what happened to me.

First, there’s the awful realisation that it’s not coffee heaped up on your spoon. No, it’s a very angry huntsman. Normally they’re pretty chill but when they’ve been hacked at with a blunt metal implement over and over… well, they’re no longer willing to let bygones be bygones.

Second is the even more awful realisation that there’s no more coffee left. Perhaps I wouldn’t mind so much if the huntsman had escaped when I cracked open the lid. But now, with what little remains of the coffee thoroughly mixed with spider parts and limbs… well, I’m really not prepared to use it, and not even if it was the last spoon of coffee in the world.

So, anyway, the spider skittered out onto my hand with its last remaining legs and hissed at me. I swear, that’s what it did! Are huntsman spiders even capable of this? I don’t know, but if pain could give it wings then I would have much preferred this. Poor little guy! Still, I was pretty pissed off too. So, I thought a little bit and hissed back. The spider stared at me with its last remaining eye, and I could’ve sworn there was something akin to surprise in its look.

I was about to say something when it held out its front fang for me to shake. I didn’t quite know what else to do, so I held out my other hand and extended my forefinger. We shook, and with that the spider hopped off and limped away.

And then I got dressed and went to the coffee shop.

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023

CRUMBLE CULT // Moksha (NSFW)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017