PERFECTION IN ACTION // A Morning Call to the Vice Squad on Valentine’s Day

Giraffe felt quite offended today.

He’d been accused of peeping. Peeping?! All he’d done was pass a skyscraper on his morning stroll and seen two chimpanzees going at it through a fifth storey window. It wasn’t his fault they hadn’t bothered to close the curtains before their lustful bedroom tryst.

He’d turned away, of course, so he couldn’t be held responsible for happening to lay eyes on two dragonflies shagging near said window!

Then he’d lowered his eyes to the ground. Two horny shrews were bonking like there was no tomorrow.

What the hell was a poor Giraffe to do?

Vice Squad Valentine

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THE ABCs OF A PECULIAR LIFE // G is for Giraffe & Geniality

My neighbour is a giraffe. She’s just given birth to two little babies. Well, they’re little as far as she’s concerned, but big as far as the rest of us are concerned. It’s a matter of perspectives, I suppose. And ladders.

Sometimes my neighbour forgets to put on her maternity bra. When she comes over for afternoon tea, she accidentally lactates all over my fresh clean tablecloth. I know she can’t help it, and there is such a thing as postnatal depression, but still…

Look, no one likes to be rained upon—that’s all I’m saying. Now I’ll have to put the Royal Doulton teacups through the industrial grade autoclave. And, well, she’ll be visiting again tomorrow…

I hope she doesn’t cry. The leaking is bad enough, but the emotional fallout? I don’t know what to do with that. How many times can she keep forgetting? How long must I play the hospitable host?

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