the crankypants chronicles

the wind howls
breaks through my windows
during unsocial hours
i’ll goddam sue the wind

what a fucking ruckus
what a fucking mess
glass in my goddam feet
sue you up and down the street

and you, street lantern
don’t wink your light at me
cos i’ll goddam sue you too
as the wind’s accomplice

shady fucking trees
waving so innocently
you too, goddam mongrel
pissing there like i don’t see

and you, crack in pavement
making me jump every day
to step on you’s bad juju
don’t make me superstitious

i hate you, fucking moon
dumbly hanging there
and i’ll goddam sue the air
for clogging up my lungs

i turn my face to the sky
howl like a werewolf
you too, goddam universe
what the hell am i doing here?

and you, fucking neighbour
i’ll goddam sue your baseball bat
and the subpoena in my mailbox
for my howling during unsocial hours

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2024

All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

Poor Santa. Year after year he thinks of everyone else but no one thinks of him. He delivers gifts by the sack load to a gazillion billion entitled ingrates, and do they thank him? Hell, no! If someone catches him shimmying down their chimney on Christmas Eve, they punch him in the mouth and have him arrested!

He doesn’t even get given Christmas cards. Not a single one. Only an angry letter from some guy named Tony. No wonder Santa doesn’t feel loved. No wonder he wants to quit being Santa. But it’s okay, Santa, we still love you. There’s always next year.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

by TETIANA ALEKSINATONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016