the hagiography of lilith’s nethers (adult readers only)

DISCLAIMER: We recently received an email from WordPress warning us that a certain site—that we supposedly run—would be closed down because we’d posted materials of a pornographic nature. They later admitted that they’d made an error and had mistaken us for that site, but we’re still feeling rather confused. Do they really think we deal in stupid porn plots? No, stupid porn plots is not our thing! Our porn plots are always witty, funny and excursive in the extreme! So, meet and greet our sweet little revenge, and further proof of our professional aptitude.

lilith, the first wife of adam
ditched him for mad ol’ saddam
then got married to travolta

but after his hepcat twist with uma
she had a fling with an oompa-loompa
this pushed her to become a nun

but the god of eden was dead boring
so lilith went and got with göring
made some smut with a minolta

they cross-dressed and they did porn
but on this lilith soon heaped scorn
after that mishap she had with a gun

with this she found no satisfaction
and indeed no sexual distraction
‘cos it merely fired pathetic blanks

so lilith made an appointment
to let god know of her disappointment
with a loud “what the actual fuck?”

then, on sunday, instead of resting
god did some vital sex toy testing
so lilith could have a proper wank

after copping many a bloody callus
god finally blessed a silicone phallus
for lilith to have and to hold… and shuck

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023

GUEST POST // Red Leicester mine by Jem Croucher

This Red Leicester cheese
is completely divine
but this is not yours
for it’s wholly mine

But if you’re near Co-Op
go get some today
‘cos your mouth will thank me
in every which way

by JEM CROUCHER
© All rights reserved 2023

TATI’s & TONY’s DEAD POET TOUR // Sea Longing by Sara Teasdale

A thousand miles beyond this sun-steeped wall
Somewhere the waves creep cool along the sand,
The ebbing tide forsakes the listless land
With the old murmur, long and musical;
The windy waves mount up and curve and fall,
And round the rocks the foam blows up like snow,
Tho’ I am inland far, I hear and know,
For I was born the sea’s eternal thrall.
I would that I were there and over me
The cold insistence of the tide would roll,
Quenching this burning thing men call the soul,
Then with the ebbing I should drift and be
Less than the smallest shell along the shoal,
Less than the sea-gulls calling to the sea.

by SARA TEASDALE (1884-1933)
Public Domain Poetry

aokigahara

deadwood on a silent shore
the crack of daylight on her face
says maybe she won’t want to die
one day

ever unsure
unable to see tomorrow
yonder rot & spore
& chokehold of black trees

the war in her brain
can anything numb the pain
thunderclouds or amnesty
they say the forecast is up to she
dumbly she hangs ‘tween root & limb
awaiting the rain

ever unsure
the marrow’s in the morrow
this is what they say
but hope is a blithe man’s game

deadwood on a silent shore
she doesn’t know how to be
defiled she hangs lightly
for another day

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023

the death of ignorance (ecstatic symmetry)

dancing in the ruins of the dead divines
i smelled the earth after the first rain
no more crackle of grass in a lake like glass
near ashimmer with new possibilities

and i lumbered through pain
to free me from the chains

stomping on a skull in its ruined crown
i heard the sound of its gnashing teeth
a lesser antilles of emptied homilies
near ashameless with inert fragilities

and i forged through pain
to free me from the chains

flaming through the deep of waters parted
i roared the defiance of an open tomb
saved two of each kind of all souls to find
near asundered with reassembled symmetries

and i frolicked through pain
to free me from the chains