pavuk, pavuk
wee christmas spider
says, ‘kill me not’
for above my candle
she weaves the world
protects me in my sleep
warm air rotating
i’m as old as my tongue now
& a wee bit older than my teeth
no masters, kings nor gods
everything’s a dream now
she keeps me safe in my sleep
by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2025
This is the story of One-Legged Spider who had only… well, you know. Despite this drawback, he was a famous Hollywood star and black belt origami master. And not only had One-Legged Spider starred in smash hits such as ‘Spider Wars: The Empire Skitters Back’, ‘The Bourne Arachnid’ and ‘Webfinger’, he’d also folded a 1,800 square foot replica of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon out of nothing but wet crepe paper with one leg tied behind his back. This was, as you can imagine, quite the feat, and it made him more famous than Elvis and Jesus combined.
In his reckless younger days, One-Legged Spider also starred in a handful of features that some might consider to be questionable at best. ‘Gachimuchi Fibres Wrestling’ was one of these, and ‘Coochi-Moochi-Gachimuchi-Slam’ was another. Naturally, One-Legged Spider didn’t like to recall this period of his life. The mistakes of youth need not forever haunt maturity. And, thankfully, few others seemed to remember this dark past or even care. They loved him for his action roles and his prowess with paper, and that was that.
There was, however, a secret that he hoped would never get uncovered—a potential career killer if you will. One-Legged Spider had only one testicle. He’d had eight testicles at one point in his life but no longer, and One-Legged Spider’s one remaining testicle had been flying solo since at least his porn days. Of course, his recollection was a little hazy so he couldn’t be entirely sure of this. Or maybe it was after his porn days. Maybe COVID-19 had taken his other testicles. Or MPOX. But what about that really rough night in Thailand when he’d woken up in the arms of two transvestites and a pitbull? It couldn’t have been the transvestites could it? They’d saved One-Legged Spider from the trash fox—that pathetic, would-be mugger—and returned his wallet to him, hadn’t they? Perhaps the pitbull then… but the pitbull had been so friendly. But, then again, its version of ‘friendly’ entailed sniffing his crotch. Oh no! So confusing!
But you know what? It doesn’t really matter. What really matters are the words on One-Legged Spider’s tombstone: ‘A dear husband, father and grandpa, your life is a beautiful memory. We love you. Your wife, your 1,024 children, your 1,048,576 grandchildren, two transvestites and a pitbull.’
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023
It began with a tragedy. I truly thought I’d not survive it but I did. Have you ever found a spider in your morning coffee? Or, more precisely, the last spoon of coffee that you scratched from the tin. That’s what happened to me.
First, there’s the awful realisation that it’s not coffee heaped up on your spoon. No, it’s a very angry huntsman. Normally they’re pretty chill but when they’ve been hacked at with a blunt metal implement over and over… well, they’re no longer willing to let bygones be bygones.
Second is the even more awful realisation that there’s no more coffee left. Perhaps I wouldn’t mind so much if the huntsman had escaped when I cracked open the lid. But now, with what little remains of the coffee thoroughly mixed with spider parts and limbs… well, I’m really not prepared to use it, and not even if it was the last spoon of coffee in the world.
So, anyway, the spider skittered out onto my hand with its last remaining legs and hissed at me. I swear, that’s what it did! Are huntsman spiders even capable of this? I don’t know, but if pain could give it wings then I would have much preferred this. Poor little guy! Still, I was pretty pissed off too. So, I thought a little bit and hissed back. The spider stared at me with its last remaining eye, and I could’ve sworn there was something akin to surprise in its look.
I was about to say something when it held out its front fang for me to shake. I didn’t quite know what else to do, so I held out my other hand and extended my forefinger. We shook, and with that the spider hopped off and limped away.
And then I got dressed and went to the coffee shop.
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2023
Erm… hullo there. (This is rather awkward…)
Dear Reader, the stuff that was originally posted here has been removed.
We have done this because said stuff has since been included in one of our published books. We hope you’ll believe us when we say we’re not trying to be stingy. No, this has been done to honour the people who have already spent their hard-earned money on our eBook creations.*
If, however, for some reason you’re unable to buy one of our books, and feel you’ll die without seeing this piece of writing, then please contact us via admin@unbolt.me. We won’t allow our Dear Readers to fade away in the dark. We’ll send you the piece in question, and it will be absolutely free. All you need do is ask.
* Of course, we would be like two happy puppies if you too decided to buy one of our books.
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2014-2018
unbolt me 