queen victoria’s revenge

in the starchy days of the victorian era
there was a bearded goat, the noble caballero
he had a heart of gold, was an opium wars hero
he was a strict vegan with a soft spot for madeira
the goat was head of the royal spy agency ‘chimera’

one day he was in a hurry because of an urgent case
and by chance swept off a table the queen’s favourite vase
moreover, he nudged a box of royal tissues from its place
unfortunately for him ill news always flies apace
and in a blink of an eye the goat lost the queen’s grace

next day another qualified as head of the secret vow
while the poor clumsy goat hitched a rope over a royal bough

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the fitzroy killer

what kind of turtle breathes through its arse?
a brave one, that’s what, that moves real fast!
it doesn’t give a shit what you find reasonable
it’ll squeeze with its cheeks anything seasonable
be it bananas or tim tams or mini fridges
it’s all moshing green hair and bristling ridges
don’t stand in its path or it’ll gnaw your shoes
then down to the bone ’til you’re yesterday’s news!
what’s more, it doesn’t need any goddam excuses
it’ll blend then swill you like some vegan juices
so, you’d better not be messing with the bum breathing turtles
if you don’t want to rest in pieces between the scrubs of myrtles

© All rights reserved 2021