¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?

Dear readers, I wrote a letter to Santa. Yup. I really did. In it, I spilled my guts. I bared my soul even. Hell, I was mortifyingly earnest. Isn’t that just well-meaning stupidity in disguise? Ugh. Anyway.

I informed Santa that I’ve decided not to celebrate Christmas this year, or in any year going forth. As an embittered former Christian it’s something I can no longer, in all good conscience, do. And as someone who hasn’t then gone the whole kit and caboodle and converted to atheism, it does make things a bit tricky socially speaking.

You see, some of my atheist chums ask me why I don’t just boycott Christmas, like it’s my goddamn duty or something. They wave their little magazines in my face, evangelising me, expecting me to be inspired and galvanised. Apparently, I’m supposed to display some newfound passion about my newfound liberation from the tired old shackles of religion.

But really, I couldn’t be arsed. Not when they’re foisting titles like Fairy Tale Crushers Quarterly or Militant Mind Monkeys Monthly or Dawkins’s Dick Butter Digest in my face. How can I be expected to swallow that? Even the covers with their smug tag lines put me off. “Freethink like us or we’ll laugh at you!” Okay. They do realise people have been laughing at me my entire life, yes? It’s not exactly a threat. I mean, it’s not eternal damnation or anything. Try harder, atheists! Actually, no, don’t. You’re as annoying as the theists.

God, I’m so tired. When did people start giving such gorilla-sized shits about what others think? I just could not be that arsed. Hell, my thoughts probably come out of my arse so who am I to be policing everyone else’s brain turds? Seriously, I’m not that invested. I just want a cup of tea and a nice lie down. I mean, how can they possibly maintain the requisite amount of fulminating engagement 24/7? They have to sleep some time! Do they sleep angry? God, I hate social justice warriors. They’re so fucking exhausting.

I hate Christmas. That’s the one thing I will agree with the atheists on. All those wasted childhood years praying for a better looking face. No wonder I feel so aggrieved. Christians say Jesus is the reason for the season. Okay. So where were you, Jesus, when I needed my merry miracle makeover? Off pumping Kim Kardashian full of the good DNA no doubt. What a cheap bastard. And what a bitch for hogging it.

My face. God. It looks like it was regifted. Some unlucky, hopelessly damned soul must have received this face one Christmas, gone “AUGH!” then crammed it back in its wrapping paper and regifted it to me the following Christmas. “Oh, Tony will have it. He likes weird shit.” “Oh, thanks. I guess I gotta wear this now so I don’t hurt your feelin’s or nothin’.” Still, I suppose it could’ve been worse. I could’ve been regifted a box of used condoms.

But is this all I’ve been reduced to? Covering over the crushing disappointment that is life with gaudy tinsel? Making everything Christmas to within an inch of its goddamn life, godammit? Screw social convention! It doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s not like I can drape Christmas over a pile of dead puppies and suddenly everything’s okay. No one looks at a pile of dead puppies draped with Christmas and says, “D’aaawww… Let’s go carolling!” I’ve tried to fit in with this holiday season malarkey. Truly, I’ve tried. But it’s not working.

One thing I did do was to grow my hair out. I figured if I could grow it long enough, it’d cover my face and entire body, and I’d look like a wookie. Then I could finally rejoin society because, you know, everyone’s worshiping the new Star Wars right now. Which means they’ve gotta love me, right? I’d be famous! I’d get invited to comic conventions, sit on panels and sign tits. Lovely! It’s what I’ve always wanted. Hell, I wouldn’t even have to be articulate. All I’d need to say is “GAAARRRGGGHHH!” in answer to everything. Fans would lap that shit up. They’d be lining up for decades, waiting for autographed pics of themselves swooning over my immaculately groomed wookie weenie.

So, anyway, I wrote Santa a letter. In it, I told him of my esteem obliterating ennui. Yes, I told him that I’m tired. That I think I need to go to sleep now. Maybe for good. I recommended that he not get me anything this year, that he keep the extra he would’ve spent buying me a Robot Action Smurf and get himself a shot of egg nog or a beard mitten instead. I don’t know. Whatever floats Santa’s boat. Oh, sorry. Sleigh. I meant sleigh.

God, I suck.

Anyway, dear readers, I apologise for this. I don’t wish to burden you with my unburdening. Have a sack load of festive humbugs on me.

Yours grudgingly,
Scroogey McScrooge.

PS: I burnt the letter and sent Santa a Facebook message instead. He still hasn’t friended me. He’s probably chilling somewhere on a Majorcan beach with hookers, blow and a toddy. What a tosser.

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

127 thoughts on “¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?”

  3. Humorous, entertaining, thoughful and critical at the same time. Like that. I abhor Xmas consummerism as it is one of the many masterpieces of capitalism. I also hate the whole hyprocrisy around these dates of the year. Like Daisy, I have my own sense of religion and spirituality. Also, my father died last year and it was ten days before December 25. I feel obligated to my mother. She needs me and I am her only child. Xmas is about being with the people you love and making them as happy as possible even though I try to do this the whole year and not just on a special date.

    Liked by 3 people

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    • Hear hear! You put it so well, Marta, and I absolutely agree. 🙂 (And may I say that I’m sorry for the loss of your father? I hope you and your mother are able to find a little happiness during all the season’s festivities, and that you can richly enjoy your memories of him.)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh God good laugh. I am agnositc, what pretty much means I don’t believe and I don’t believe in not believing. I just don’t care. 🙂 Christmas is the time of the year where I have my husband for myself. Where we celebrate our childhood memories and remember the once we have lost.
    Mostly it’s about good food and really good drinks. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

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  6. As a current believer in Jesus I love smart people who do not check their brains at the door. So let me just say I LOVE YOUR Piece. It is well written, humorous, balanced and fairly smacks in the cheek both sides. I can respect that. While I still believe (not in Santa) I also tire of the theist and atheist on both sides of the table who tirelessly try to convert and ridicule others for not believing the way they do. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 4 people

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    • Lena, I really appreciate your comment because I think you completely get what I was trying to say with this piece. As a former churchie, it kind of worries me that there are similar patterns of coercion and aggression (only less passive) in at least some atheist circles. This is why I truly cannot stomach aligning myself with one side or the other any more. I am what I am, and that’s all there is to it. People can either accept me where I’m at or not. It’s their choice. Thanks so much for reading! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    • I love that you completely get where I’m coming from! A lot of people think that you must choose one side or the other, but what if there’s little to either side that you genuinely like? 😛

      Liked by 2 people

  8. hahaha thank you for making me laugh out loud during this shitty holiday season which i also hate
    my personal favorite: ‘Oh, Tony will have it. He likes weird shit.’

    Liked by 4 people

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    • I’m seriously very pleased that I could bring some kind of levity to this shitty holiday season for you. I think there are many of us who don’t find it to be the enjoyable romp it’s purported to be. 😛

      Liked by 4 people

  9. Interesting how you equate Christmas with Santa Claus. Christianity is not, and never has been, about getting what you want. If anything it’s more about wanting what you have; cultivating an attitude of acceptance, gratitude, serenity, etc. Now I haven’t seen your face so I can’t comment on it but there’s a woman who’s acted in TV dramas including ‘Silent Witness’ who has a really weird face and on top of that, she’s in a wheelchair. Nevertheless she’s on TV.
    https://www.theguardian.com/society/2006/jun/21/disability.socialcare
    So quit grumbling and start doing more of what you want. Stop letting your perceived lack of good looks hold you back.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Thank you for your comment, Liz. It appears I may have trodden on some toes. The above piece, of course, is just my opinion written in the form of a (hopefully) humorous diatribe. Obviously, it won’t be to everyone’s taste but that’s okay.

      Like Liz Carr in the article you linked to, I too have done stand-up so I’m familiar with getting myself out there and living life in spite of my appearance. (It was a good article by the way, so thank you for that!)

      As for the part about Christianity, if I seem like a contentious divorcee then it’s merely because it and I didn’t exactly share the best of marriages. That’s my life. I write about it, and hopefully our readers are entertained by it. It wasn’t your cup of tea, and I can respect that. I hope you can respect my right to exercise my creative voice. Thanks for reading. 🙂

      Liked by 9 people

  10. Tony, I’m in a fit of giggles. I hope you don’t mind. I love this post so much. It’s great to get you viewpoint on your beliefs. I like you that you are tolerent and balanced in your views. I get that Jesus, God never answered your prayers or gave you what you really wanted on xmas. Why not ask Santa? Stranger things have happened. I have a daughter – I’m not religious. I’m not an atheist. I have my own sense of spirituality that is personal to me and tolerant to other people’s beliefs. I celebrate xmas because I have a daughter and family who do for their own reasons. For me, it’s about just being with the people I love – that’s it.

    Liked by 5 people

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