ABSURDIS EXTREME // Case Study #87b [16/09/2071] by B.A. Loney

This is the story of Tati and Tony, two writers who were desperate to write the most perfect poem that would ever be written. It would be so epic and untouchable in its perfection that poetry lovers everywhere would literally disintegrate in paroxysms of orgasmic delight. Well… that was their aim anyway.

‘Verily.’

Tony placed the full stop right after this word, and immediately felt regret. It should have been a comma as there surely would be more literary brilliance to follow. He tore the page out of his notebook, scrunched it up, and threw it in the bin.

‘Verily,’ he wrote on a fresh page.

“Ah, much better!” He smiled to himself. “I have a good feeling about this poem already!”

“Balderdash!” sniffed Tati, snatching the notebook out of Tony’s hands.

She crossed out Tony’s ‘Verily,’ and wrote ‘Verily!’ beneath it, then proudly shoved the notebook back in his face. He had to squint real hard in order to decipher the scribble.

“Look how real poets work, Tony! ‘Verily!'”

Tony cocked his head. “Well, okay…” he said uncertainly. “But how does the exclamation mark actually improve this? It makes about as much sense as if you’d put a starfish after it.”

“I put a starfish before it! Don’t you see?”

Tony examined the page again with a critical eye. “Oh! This is a starfish? I thought it was your attempt at a finger painting.”

Tati gasped in outrage.

“Nevertheless,” pressed Tony, “this doesn’t explain the exclamation mark after the word. Am I to understand that it’s a starfish saying ‘Verily!’ in a rather exclamatory manner? If so, what is the starfish so excited about? And does there need to be a starfish at all? I thought we were writing a serious poem.”

“Shut up, Tony! Your blabbing will only frighten away my Muse!” Tati wrinkled her nose at his impertinence, and even puffed her cheeks for emphasis. Still, he was confused by this, and had to wonder at what her scratching her ear was also about. Were there nits in her hair?

Actually, Tati was just a little irritated, and she was thinking hard over the new poem. It wasn’t her problem if people insisted on misinterpreting her body language.

“Oh, I know!”

Tony almost jumped out of his skin with surprise. Tati was so freaking unpredictable.

“I’m a genius!” She jotted something else down, then waved the notebook at him. “Look…”

‘Verily…’

Tony’s eyes widened with wonder.

“Oh my sainted stars!” he said in a hushed—almost reverential—tone. “The dots add a certain gravitas, don’t they? Like… absolutely anything could happen next.”

Suddenly, a human-sized bottle of Corona Extra crashed through their front door and wilfully—and with malicious intent—decanted itself all over them. However, Tati and Tony did not panic, for although they were sopping, stinking wet, they were also wearing masks and so the deadly liquid could not enter their airways.

“Oh, fuck you!” roared Corona. “You sheeple think you’re so clever because you’ve got a silly piece of fabric on your faces! Fuck you so much!”

Feeling rather frustrated and impotent, it turned and stomped out the way it had come in. Corona had legs, but no arms with which to gleefully rip off masks. It was all Corona could do not to have an embarrassing little cry on its way out.

Tati and Tony exchanged looks.

‘A dot?’

‘A dot!’

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2021

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