the search for meaning meating

and so it was, the black sheep of the breed
who hated sunday brunches in the garden
would take to hiding beneath the old sofa

the young man-eater could not find serenity
so he sat and played with his kewpie dolls
he dressed them in lacy pantaloons
and fed them to brimming with liver smoothies
but it seems they were protein intolerant
they emptied themselves over momma’s rug

and so he’d switched paradigms, from meat to veg
he’d tried hard to forget his rabid hunger
looking in to find a peace within the zen

the young man-eater could not find serenity
so he joined a chinese calligraphy course
but the paper and ink were a reminder
of the tattooed flesh he’d not had for supper
all flustered, he confused two similar glyphs
and got kicked out for insulting chairman mao

and so he realised the power of his words
he well knew what it was he would have to do
he would help himself by preaching to others

the young man-eater could not find serenity
so he formed the gloomiest black metal band
and he called it ‘benighted rutabaga’
it became widely known in narrow circles
for none ever bothered to attend their gigs
still, they protected the rights of vegies all

and so he sang and roared his frustrations out
the voice of one crying in the wilderness
then went and rejoined sunday family brunch

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

THE ABCs OF A PECULIAR LIFE // Earwig & Excitability (Katzenjammer in E sharp minor)

It was early morning, but Frau Earwig felt quite on edge already. She was rolling her eyes, wringing her wings and snapping with her forceps every few seconds. This was beyond her endurance! She, an honoured artist, drama teacher and fourth generation member of the intelligentsia should never have had to bear with the likes of these insufferable dormitory neighbours!

These vagabonds had lost all sense of shame. They indulged in binge drinking sessions every day, and organised vulgar karaoke competitions. They even brought home heavily rouged hussies to join the festivities. Who would’ve thought that such outwardly respectable looking kittens would turn out, in fact, to be lowdown bastard scum?

Frau Earwig sighed and took some valerian drops with her brandy, but this didn’t seem to help. Firmly resolved to end this crap, Frau Earwig flung a boa over her shoulders and took up a reticule. She then wended her way over to her loutish neighbours’ place.

The door was open, and through the crack seeped dirty jokes mixed with roars of laughter. Frau Earwig stepped cautiously past the threshold and let out a squeak. “Hello? Anybody home?” Of course, this tentativeness didn’t pan out as well as she’d hoped. She swallowed nervously. Frau Earwig forced herself to inch along, step-by-step, until she finally reached a spacious—though fuggy—sitting room. The atmosphere made her choke with a sudden fit of coughing.

That was when they finally noticed her.

“Hey, floosie! Get your ass over here and drink with us!”

Frau Earwig’s offense was betrayed by a gasp. It escaped her mouth before she could think to stop it. What? Floosie?! Then she heard another rude voice say, “Leave it, Fyodor! Don’t you see? This ‘hoptoad in fichu’ is a major bigwig! She’ll never hit the bottle with the likes of us! We’re too… lowbrow.”

What?! Hoptoad in fichu?!

It’s hard to say what happened next. After the red mist had passed from her eyes, Frau Earwig shook her head and took in her immediate surroundings. She was holding a Victorian hat pin in her trembling cercus, and a pungent smell of blood pervaded the room…

Dead bodies. Punctured bodies of dead kittens everywhere.

It seemed her Family Psychologist may have been right after all. Frau Earwig really did need to work on her anger management issues. Of course, she could always call the clinic the next day and arrange a follow-up visit with Gal. But as for here and now…

Frau Earwig stepped over to the nearest body and kicked it lightly. Actually, the fur had hardly any holes in it. Nice. It could be the perfect new boa…

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017

100 WORD SKITTLE // Flies & Zips

I’ve just realised why some avoid stepping on cracks in pavements. The genius of this explanation lies in its simplicity. Wait ’til you hear it. It’ll blow your mind!

Oh, hold on, guys. My pants fell down. I’ll return to cracks in a moment…

Okay, so… cracks. Modern pavements are made from concrete that includes fly ash. You follow? Flies? Zippers? There’s a connection, right?

For the love of… now my zip’s too tight. Gotta handle this before it squeezes cracks in my nadgers

Regarding pavements… oh, wouldn’t you know it! My one hundred words’re up already. Next time, guys!

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

small hours

fragile like icing
bittersweet as mugwort pud
your first morning kiss

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020

BUT IS IT ART? // Goo Goo McArt

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TATI: Bachelor of Visual Arts.

TONY: I’m sorry?

TATI: You have a Bachelor of Visual Arts.

TONY: Yes.

TATI: Your art has even featured in a comics exhibition at the Museum of Modern Art in Rijeka, Croatia.

TONY: Erm… yes.

TATI: You’ve contributed to various comics anthologies.

TONY: Also yes.

TATI: All of this hard work and critical acclaim has led you to… this?

TONY: To what?

TATI: Shame on you!

TONY: Huh?!

TATI: This drawing of a goo goo muck with blood all over her tits!

TONY: Goo goo muck?!

TATI: A vampire woman!

TONY: Ohhh-kayyy…

TATI: Tony, this drawing is not art! It is complete shit!

TONY: I beg your pardon?!

TATI: You have thirty seconds to convince me otherwise. Tick tock!

TONY:

TATI: Well? I’m waiting!

Tony turns to the Unbolt Me readers. His voice drops to a whisper.

TONY: Help me out, guys…

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2020