The garage was open but Henry wasn’t there. I decided to take my time and wait for him. I loitered about, staring at Henry’s gizmos, some of them with bewilderment. What is that? And what is this for?

There was a TV mounted on the wall, the sound muted. A crudely fashioned logo flickered onto the screen. ‘1000 and 1 useful devices for life and death!’ LOL! I took the remote control and turned the sound back up.

Hi! It’s me, Berta ‘Widow’ Black, and my TV show ‘1000 and 1 Useful Devices for Life and Death’. Today I’ll tell you about the casserole, because it’s an exclusively practical and comfy thing. You can use casseroles in many different ways! And I’ll prove this right now.

For example… You’ve eloped to your office closet for a little self pleasure. Suddenly, a knock at the door! It’s your stupid assistant… What should you do? Don’t panic! You should scream ‘CAASSEEEEROOOOLEE!!!!!!’ and run past your numb helper quickly.

Or… Let me say… You get your out-of-warranty brain exchanged for a new one. Your head is light now, and it sags from side to side. It’s because the wind is blowing. A casserole helps! It fills your skull, it protects your empty head from dust and insects… You can put a casserole into any place… into your bra, your underpants, into your wallet… You know your empty spaces perfectly, just fill them!

More… A casserole can make a hard upholstered sofa soft and warm. How nice to sit on a fresh, steaming casserole! If you want to bulldoze a child who has bad eating habits, you should tell him or her about the stalking of casseroles, about this embodiment of atrocity, about these instigators of interracial wars! Be sure, your child will begin to eat voraciously and slurp very loudly…

I could talk about casseroles for hours and hours… but our time is running out, alas. I’m sure, to the question “What do you need for absolute happiness?” you will now be answering, “Except for a casserole – nothing!”

Good bye, my dears! Next time I’ll tell you about using a casserole as a source of power, or as material for making a copy of Lenin in Mausoleum in 1:1 scale! Kisses and hugs! It’s me, your Berta ‘Widow’ Black and my TV show ‘1000 and 1 Useful Devices for Life and Death’. See you soon!

I was spasming with laughter. What a cool show! By the way, she didn’t just talk. She really put on a show! She filled the bras of some volunteers from the audience and even one wallet…

“Hey, Kitsune!”

Henry’s voice interrupted my ponderings. What would I fill with a casserole? His blabbing mouth, of course!

“Henry, don’t call me that!” (to be continued)

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2015