a Casserole (Fragment #003)

The garage was open but Henry wasn’t there. I decided to take my time and wait for him. I loitered about, staring at Henry’s gizmos, some of them with bewilderment. What is that? And what is this for?

There was a TV mounted on the wall, the sound muted. A crudely fashioned logo flickered onto the screen. ‘1000 and 1 useful devices for life and death!’ LOL! I took the remote control and turned the sound back up.

Hi! It’s me, Berta ‘Widow’ Black, and my TV show ‘1000 and 1 Useful Devices for Life and Death’. Today I’ll tell you about the casserole, because it’s an exclusively practical and comfy thing. You can use casseroles in many different ways! And I’ll prove this right now.

For example… You’ve eloped to your office closet for a little self pleasure. Suddenly, a knock at the door! It’s your stupid assistant… What should you do? Don’t panic! You should scream ‘CAASSEEEEROOOOLEE!!!!!!’ and run past your numb helper quickly.

Or… Let me say… You get your out-of-warranty brain exchanged for a new one. Your head is light now, and it sags from side to side. It’s because the wind is blowing. A casserole helps! It fills your skull, it protects your empty head from dust and insects You can put a casserole into any place… into your bra, your underpants, into your wallet… You know your empty spaces perfectly, just fill them!

More… A casserole can make a hard upholstered sofa soft and warm. How nice to sit on a fresh, steaming casserole! If you want to bulldoze a child who has bad eating habits, you should tell him or her about the stalking of casseroles, about this embodiment of atrocity, about these instigators of interracial wars! Be sure, your child will begin to eat voraciously and slurp very loudly…

I could talk about casseroles for hours and hours… but our time is running out, alas. I’m sure, to the question “What do you need for absolute happiness?” you will now be answering, “Except for a casserole – nothing!”

Good bye, my dears! Next time I’ll tell you about using a casserole as a source of power, or as material for making a copy of Lenin in Mausoleum in 1:1 scale! Kisses and hugs! It’s me, your Berta ‘Widow’ Black and my TV show ‘1000 and 1 Useful Devices for Life and Death’. See you soon!

I was spasming with laughter. What a cool show! By the way, she didn’t just talk. She really put on a show! She filled the bras of some volunteers from the audience and even one wallet…

“Hey, Kitsune!”

Henry’s voice interrupted my ponderings. What would I fill with a casserole? His blabbing mouth, of course!

“Henry, don’t call me that!” (to be continued)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2015

a Circus, Part #1 (Fragment #006)

…I woke up on a big heap of rotten beetroot and zucchini. It had a terrible stink… No! It was more than that — a hellish stink! I coughed and tried to open my eyes.

I was in semi-darkness… though a few minutes later my eyes adjusted to it. But, I wasn’t too happy with the picture I saw. And the main reason for this was the goon who was sitting on the wooden box opposite me. He looked sore, and his feathers were shabby and mucky. “He doesn’t look kosher…” Why do such stupid thoughts come to mind at times like this? Is it a self-defense mechanism when confronting madness?

Fuck! Yesterday I had relished the sterling French accent of my Chilperic as he entreated me to be more prudent, to not have common affairs with this hillbilly Henry I didn’t listen to him, unfortunately… At that moment, the choice of my eyeliner’s color to pair with my evening dress had been more important to me… I was a fool! Stupid chicken! I tried to recall the previous evening. It was still a fog in my memory, just a gray and sticky fog… Suddenly, I recalled.

A howitzer!

It had begun with a conversation about the howitzer barrel aimed at the banquet! (to be continued)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2015

My special thanks to the one and only Cyan Ryan,
a great friend and an excellent editor,
for grammar corrections and improvements this essay!

a Maniac (Fragment #026)

I pressed a latch and closed my eyes. My heartbeat started to slow down. I wasn’t late… which meant that I could continue with my education… and my language acquisition. Damn! Chilperic was especially tiresome today. Generally, he doesn’t grumble much… but today he was a true bore! He tried finding out where I spend my evenings.

“Er versucht zu dahinterkommen!” [German: He tries to unearth!]

I smiled at this thought. Anyway – I’m lucky! To get to have free practice with a native speaker… 24/7… How many people can boast that? I can! My teacher is watching TV I hope the sound will not muffle his comments.

“Stumpfsinn! Wer so spielt?!” [German: Hebetude! Who plays like that?!]

It’s a pity that I can’t write now… though I can hear the pronunciation perfectly.

“Sie schreiben Grabinschrift in diesem Augenblick!” [German: They write an epitaph in this moment!]

No… it was not for nothing that I came to him the first night. Of course, he does have some problems with social adaptation and interpersonal relationships… but now I’m sure I will be able to pass my exam.

I adjusted my handcuffs… they are broken and slip down my wrists constantly… I spoiled my restraints the first evening. Wow! Our project is ‘Super force for Super dweebs’… Didn’t I say that yet? If you’ll remind me to explain I’ll narrate… later… Oh, Henry I miss you!

I leaned against the radiator and continued to sweat over SWOT analysis.

“Ich murre – Du murrst – Er murrt” [German: I grumble – You grumble – He grumbles]

“Stop mumbling! Stop your fucking Geschwatz!” [German: Verbiage] What do you do?

I bit my tongue. Breaking News started. My teacher was again the head-liner. I’ve heard this for the hundredth time now… A maniac… kidnaps girls… has German accent… be careful… call the police… Blah-blah-blah… I yawned.

While I was falling asleep near the radiator, I was imagining a surprised look on my sweet Chilperic… When he hears my German, he’ll be stupefied… I adore his stupid face in such moments! (to be continued)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2014

a Kinetic tattoo (Fragment #021)

OK… Our acquaintance with Henry was idiotic, like any acquaintance of two idiots. (I omit all pungent details of our acquaintance, with your permission. I’ll try to be brief today… My lovely pious professor doesn’t like ‘too many fucking letters’ and I don’t want to hear again where I should shove my essay this time)

Henry was chuckling at my liberal education and letting himself make ambiguous jokes about my thinness. He was an intolerable, nasty brat… Henry was a classic geek! We therefore immediately became good friends.

I had just outlived my arbitrary half-life period and had a lot of free time till my next conscription. Henry and his bold projects were the best way to overcome my mental slumber. I became a habitue of his garage and a guinea-pig for his crazy experiments.

“Throb with your mind, not your ass!”

It was a slogan of the project ‘A kinetic tattoo’. My first and my favorite project with Henry… I was insisting on a holmium because my kin hates silver. But Henry was adamant despite my entreaties – only silver nitrate! I surrendered and took off all my piercings. I wanted to have a barcode like my favorite Hitman… but Henry again won. I got a big Celtic pattern from my wrist to my elbow. But I wasn’t offended. Anyway, it was cool! It was fucking great COOOOOOOOOL!

I was able to turn on light bulbs with just my touch. But it was a trifle, just a childish trick. Spoiling household appliances was more interesting. The alarm clock on the nightstand, the cell-phone on the table, the radio receiver… My touch was deadly to them. I felt like Midas. But the most mind-blowing ability was telekinesis. My tattoo was able to generate a magnetic field and to move small metallic objects. It was a great fun!

Unfortunately, in two weeks my epidermis regenerated and the tattoo vanished… Henry published an article about it in the current issue of ‘Hacker’ and forgot about this project. But I haven’t forgotten.

(Hmm… too many letters again… Damn!) (to be continued)

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2014