To: The Christmas Ombudsman <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Regarding the matter of ongoing reindeer rights violations
Date: 19 December 2018, 12:18:30
To Whom it May Concern,
I wish to bring to your attention the repeated flagrant breaches of labour laws, as well as contravention of occupational health and safety standards, under management of a Mr Santa H. Claus (henceforth referred to as the ‘Red Devil‘).
Breach 1: Physical abuse
According to guidelines, the average deer’s cargo capacity is 90-100 kg during winter and 30-40 kg during summer. Adjusted for the Bockelberg formula, the gross tractive effort of a sledge team that includes nine deer harnessed in tandem is about 40%. This means at Christmas time we can carry up to 360 kg, but not a metric tonne like someone counts!
We therefore demand that the aforementioned Red Devil complete a basic course in reindeer husbandry and transport engineering, and start a strict diet that does not include 6 packets of Jumbo Ho Hos a day. We will not budge on this.
Breach 2: Sexual abuse
In what reality is it acceptable for an overweight 1,748 year old white male to slap us on the ass and call us ‘dear’? Even with the quantum multiverse model of reality factored in, the total is none.
Not only is this behaviour patronising in the extreme, it also reduces us to mere pieces of meat, ripe to be ogled, demeaned, and condescended to. Several deer have already suffered severe emotional trauma due to this, and taken months of unplanned sick leave as a result.
Breach 3: Psychological abuse
Last, but not least, the gastronomical predilections of the aforementioned Red Devil.
He brazenly and callously consumes ‘rilkeil’ within eyeshot of all reindeer employees. As his waistline expands, more unplanned leave is taken, and morale plummets to an all-time low.
For your reference: “Rilkeil is a traditional Chukchi dish that is made from semi-digested moss from a slaughtered reindeer’s stomach mixed with blood, fat, and pieces of boiled reindeer intestine.” (Source: Nelson J. 2013. Before They Pass Away. teNeues, Kempen. 408 pp.)
We ask that you deal with this issue forthwith. He must not be allowed to ruin Christmas 2018 for everybody!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed, the Shaft-Reindeer of Tinsel Squad (on behalf and upon authorization of: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen).
by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2018