“And keep in mind. We do not sell watches. We sell happiness. That should be the main message when you talk to your clients.”
The Fox underlined this last sentence. He then pursed his lips, thought a bit more, and underlined another one. Then another. The lead in his pencil snapped. I guess the class is finished for now, he thought. He put the pencil down.
Everyone was crowded near the tribune where Coach was gathering papers. They vied with one another for his attention, their questions overlapping until the classroom was filled with a burble of noise. I guess I won’t be getting any one-on-one time with Coach today. Grimacing to himself, the Fox stood up and went to the door.
The Fox had it in mind to go and put these newly learned sales principles into practice. There was no time like the present, right? No one else was going to make his dreams come true. A flock of Rams was feeding in the meadow next door, and probably didn’t suspect how unhappy they really were. Silly Rams!
The Fox had walked not twenty paces down the road before a realisation struck. Of course! These Rams are my new clients! He did a one-eighty turn and made a direct beeline for them. The light bulb above his head had now morphed into a giant dollar sign. He was going to make himself happy by making them happy.
Look at them! thought the Fox, tutting in the most patronising manner. Those poor saps stand there bleating, chewing grass, pooing pellets, and mindlessly dangling their balls in thistle come rain or come shine. Don’t they know they’re standing at the threshold of real bliss and happiness? Of sheer greatness?!
“Dear Rams!” No. That sounded far too official for the occasion. He didn’t need to be like Winston Churchill ordering a cream bun at a county stall. He needed to ingratiate himself, to make everyone think he was one of them. “Comrades in arms!” No. That sounded worse. “Comrades in Rams!” Shit. He needed to stop and think…
Another light bulb appeared above the Fox’s head. He smiled a slightly devilish smile then, drawing a big gulp of air into his lungs, and solemnly declared, “Gentlemen Rams! I have an offer one cannot refuse. And today, I give it exclusively to you. Are you ready to change your life right now?” Curious, the Rams looked up from their turfy repast. One even dropped some extra pellets, but this could have been an unrelated event.
“Behold!” The Fox hoisted one of the fob watches above his head. It dangled from his paw like a tiny, new-born star, twinkling so invitingly in the fawning light of day. The Rams glanced at the trinket with complete indifference then poked their muzzles back into the manure again. There was another emission of pellets somewhere but that still could have been unrela— Oh, who was he kidding? The Fox knew they were being disrespectful. Bloody Rams!
After some more strategising, the Fox decided to change his tactics. Accidentally on purpose, he addressed the Ram nearest him: “Well met, sir. Pray, would you be so kind as to tell me the time?” He was sure that this tricky plan would work, and that the Ram would realise how bleak and poor his life was sans timepiece. The fob watches would surely fly at that point. They’d be sold quicker than the sweetest sweets at a Willy Wonka convention.
Nope. That fool Ram stuck his nose back into the dirt, chewing like there was no tomorrow. And not just chewing, mind you — actively and obnoxiously masticating! It was as if he was grinding that grass down to prove a point. Evidently, grass was worth more to the Ram than all the glittering mountains of timekeeping devices in the known universe. The Ram turned his butt towards the Fox and gurked. Yup. They’re definitely taking the piss.
The Fox decided to change his approach again. “I heard that the Lion issued an ordinance today! He said that everyone in the forest should have watches, that otherwise they would be immediately gobbled up by the Hyena Guard!” All of the Rams looked at him, and still — it has to be said — somewhat nonplussed. Deliberately, and oh so very slowly, they all reached into their woolly folds and withdrew ‘pieces’ that were clearly not of the time-telling variety. Hm, thought the Fox. Note to self: Look into the weapons manufacturing business. Might be some excellent opportunities for cash flow there!
Suddenly, there was a tap on his shoulder. The Fox turned to see one of the older Rams peering back at him with wise, sad eyes. The Ram baaed with a deep voice: “We can’t wear pocket watches, moron. We have no pockets.” The Fox blinked to himself. Then where the hell were they storing their guns? It didn’t make sense! Maybe the Rams just didn’t want what he was selling.
The older Ram turned to the flock. “Let’s go home, brothers and sisters. It’s too hard to be good amid the temptations of this world. And the low air pressure is too much.” The Rams holstered their weapons then raised their hooves to the sky. “Baaa-aaa-aaack to the Mountain!” they cried as one. “Baaa-aaa-aaack to the Holy Mountain!” Oh, god. They were fools. Lost sheep.
The Fox opened his notebook and leafed through the pages. What would Coach do in this situation? He searched and searched, but it appeared that the option of someone refusing to buy watches wasn’t even a possibility. Coach wouldn’t have entertained this notion because, of course, who in their right mind would refuse such an amazing deal? If the Fox paid Coach a mere twenty dollars a pop for them, surely he could resell them for fifty? Who wouldn’t want one for a measly fifty? Easy peasy!
And so it was that the Fox planted himself at the very centre of the meadow, right between the heaps of manure and chamomiles, his thought processes radiating so intensely as to be almost audible. What would Coach do? What would Coach do? And it appeared as though the heavens themselves were listening to his impassioned supplications because no sooner had the Fox raised his eyes from the ground when the Coach roared past in a shiny new cabriolet. This surely had to be some kind of sign!
Sitting next to Coach was a young, pretty weasel, and for some reason the Fox felt compelled to throw himself at the car. Probably to intercept it or to serve himself up as an offering. Perhaps he was having a religious experience. Who knows? What’s certain is that the Fox was almost made a martyr beneath the wheels.
“Coach! Coach! I have a very important question!”
The car braked sharply. Red-faced, Coach jumped out and shouted, “Are you a moron?!” Obviously, he was very angry. “Seriously, man, are you tired of living?” The Fox ignored the fact that he was being called a moron for the second time in mere minutes, and approached Coach with the same fervour and reverence that a starving man would an oasis of cheeseburgers.
“Coach! Coach! If a client says, ‘No!’ then what should I do?” Coach looked at the Fox with a slight unease in his eyes, letting loose an involuntary nervous snicker. “Oh, you’re one of my trainees, aren’t you…” he muttered almost disbelievingly through gritted teeth. This ‘acolyte’ was just standing there looking at him in wordless expectation, all clingy and earnest and… well, needlessly needy. Who wants needy? Not Coach! “Ahhh… ahem… A refusing client is a dead client. Utterly worthless.” And, just like that, Coach was back in his car hitting the gas pedal… leaving the Fox to choke on his dust.
And so it was that the Fox still found himself standing at the very centre of the meadow, his head buzzing with confusion. What the hell now? he thought. A dead client? This made no sense. Was the Fox meant to take these words to his bosom and treasure them forever and ever, amen? He sat there deep into the night, not feeling one iota of wisdom in those words, or indeed any reassurance. There was simply no comfort or revelation to be had. The words of Coach pulsated in the juddering walls of his mind like bees in a fever dream. A refusing client is a dead client. Utterly worthless. Dead. Dead. So pointlessly dead.
The decision was made somewhere close to morning. The Fox rose from his dark thoughts and ambled off somewhere for a while. When he came back, the sun was high in the sky and there was a huge shovel in his paws. If he really put his back into it, the hole would be ready in a couple of hours. And so he did. And so it was. And then the Fox dusted himself off with much satisfaction. He masked the hole with branches and grass before sneaking off to wait behind a large yet inconspicuous shrub.
The following events came thick and fast. Really, the poor Rams had no chance. No time to react or even reel. Lured by the promise of more springy, delicious grass to chew, they were quick to fall into the hole that had been dug expressly for them. In a state of panic they all fired their guns into the air, hoping to achieve who knows what outcome but only succeeding in having a rain of bullets fall back down on their heads. Their cries of “Baaa-aaa-aaack to the Mountain!” were cut short, and it was at this point that the Fox whipped out his cell phone and called a fur trader. Oh my, what a massacre!
Later that afternoon, the Fox stood beside a huge rack showcasing many sublime ‘fur’ coats. You’ve got pockets now, buddy! he thought smugly. Who’s the real moron here, huh? By the time normal trading hours ended, one could say that he had made another ‘killing’ — a figurative one anyway. He was now in possession of more cash than one could wave a platinum credit card at.
When the Fox was leaving the store, he noticed a small stand full of watches. These were the ones that Coach had been selling for twenty bucks earlier in the day, but for some strange reason each now costed only five. And so the Fox took a gun from his newly acquired secret stash and went to find Coach. He was going to have that lady weasel for himself, and his last words to Coach would be: “I have an offer you cannot refuse.”