CALIXIAN // Ranting Up the Wazoo

I am in a crappy mood. That’s why I’ve decided to kill Darwin this very day. Somehow. And quirkily.

I’m wandering around in the shed when I stumble upon a dusty, old megaphone. This could be exactly what I need! “Darwin, baby, come here! I have something for you.” I can barely contain my glee.

Darwin’s tumbled head pops in at the door. He’s looking at me with curiosity. It’s definitely one of his best traits. He’s as curious as a kitten. I crook my finger at him, beckoning him closer. Darwin enters the shed.

I take my time. I want to savor the pleasure. I smear half a bottle of grease over Darwin’s mop then meticulously comb it back. Then I pick the nastiest tie I can find from a dingy, old wardrobe in the corner of the shed. Yes, the orange tie with the big blue hot-dogs. That should do it.

Darwin twists and turns before the mirror on the wardrobe door, giggling. He obviously thinks it’s a funny role-playing game. Perhaps he’s now imagining that I’ll put on a nurse’s costume, or dress like Harley Quinn, or like a big violet papulose lobster. Frankly, I neither know nor care what this pervert daydreams about.

I take another look at him. Darwin is smiling like a brewer’s horse. He’s shining like a spit-and-polished samovar. I don’t recall him ever being this happy, and certainly not since that time he won ten measly greens in bingo. I feel something approaching a light pang of conscience, but I shake it off. I have to finish this game.

I need a finishing touch. I survey the shed interior before noticing a shabby leather suitcase in another corner. Perfect! Feeling like real Pygmalion, I thrust it into Darwin’s hand and take a step back to admire my handiwork for a moment. It’s unbelievable but Darwin looks even worse than he usually does. Is that even possible? It seems that, yes, it is.

Darwin shoots me a questioning look, waiting for whatever’s next. I push a megaphone into his arms, give him a wink in return, then abruptly push him outside. I slam the door. Right before his nose. Take that!

Darwin knocks insistently, begging to be let in, but not for too long. Curiosity killed the cat, I suppose. I know that a protest movement on the next street over will soon catch his attention. And I know that he always jumps at the chance to rant about his favorite topics, especially now that he has the megaphone and some sympathetic listeners around.

There’s a knock at the door.

Darwin’s tumbled head pops into my bedroom. I barely have time to minimize my window.

“Calix, dinner’s ready. Come and get it!”

“Sure.”

By the time I’m leaving the bedroom, the Sim Darwin is standing on the suitcase, shouting frothily into the megaphone. “Death is supposed to be the last, great refuge for troubled minds!” he squawks. “From ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and into the big black!” His face is flushed. The tie hung loose. Darwin is as cute and convincing as Lenin on the armored car in 1917.

Meanwhile, the Grim Reaper stands just around a nearby corner, wry faced and skittishly rubbing a scythe. He doesn’t like anyone ranting about death too much, you know.

I step into the kitchen and give Darwin the biggest smile I can muster.

“What do we have for dinner?”

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2018

Oops!… We Did It Again (benev[i]olence)

Erm… hullo there. (This is rather awkward…)

Dear Reader, the stuff that was originally posted here has been removed.

We have done this because said stuff has since been included in one of our published books. We hope you’ll believe us when we say we’re not trying to be stingy. No, this has been done to honour the people who have already spent their hard-earned money on our eBook creations.*

If, however, for some reason you’re unable to buy one of our books, and feel you’ll die without seeing this piece of writing, then please contact us via admin@unbolt.me. We won’t allow our Dear Readers to fade away in the dark. We’ll send you the piece in question, and it will be absolutely free. All you need do is ask.

* Of course, we would be like two happy puppies if you too decided to buy one of our books.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2017-2018

Oops!… We Did It Again (debt of honour)

Erm… hullo there. (This is rather awkward…)

Dear Reader, the stuff that was originally posted here has been removed.

We have done this because said stuff has since been included in one of our published books. We hope you’ll believe us when we say we’re not trying to be stingy. No, this has been done to honour the people who have already spent their hard-earned money on our eBook creations.*

If, however, for some reason you’re unable to buy one of our books, and feel you’ll die without seeing this piece of writing, then please contact us via admin@unbolt.me. We won’t allow our Dear Readers to fade away in the dark. We’ll send you the piece in question, and it will be absolutely free. All you need do is ask.

* Of course, we would be like two happy puppies if you too decided to buy one of our books.

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016-2018

GUEST POST // Sankara by Gaiyaiobi Xzandis-Zaevan

Sankara parks her car in front of the house of Jewel Williamson. He is one of the most notorious criminals in recent history. In Sanctuary County, his criminal mastery is legendary. He has taken many other crime houses down to become the kingpin, but has managed to aggregate those houses with his own, by properly rewarding his former enemies and their crew.

Now he is a target. Jewel knows the people are in favor of dismantling his organization. He is paranoid about being assassinated or imprisoned. Taking all necessary precautions with security detail; cameras, guards, weapons, and law enforcement pay-offs. Jewel is extremely guarded with his hormonal explosions; in other words he does not even rest his suspicions for pretty women and his urges to have sex with them.

Sankara piquing his interest has been a surprise to many of his close associates. She has been in his life for a whopping six months this evening and things are going strong. She could be the one; the one to capture his heart, and the one to take his life.

She is the perfect assassin because she is unsuspecting. She is not classically beautiful, full-figured, and is personable but coy. With her afro and casual style of dress, Sankara is seen as just another girl from around the way. Jewel’s enemies are hoping she will be able to disarm him enough to damage his empire and at best kill him.

Tonight Sankara has been ordered to kill him, but she is feeling conflicted. Besides building his wealth through illegal business and political loopholes, she has no concrete reason to despise him and kill him in cold blood. He is sending underprivileged children to school, buying every child an I-pad, protecting women from being raped, pays cops extra income to ensure that neighborhoods were safe at wee hours for working mothers coming home during those times, and providing investment capital to local upstart businesses. Except for having a slight temper in a business dealing gone haywire, she hasn’t seen evidence of him being the evil person the national law enforcement agencies or his local enemies has painted him to be.

A gentleman with that street SWAG he possesses has her impressed. He stands in the doorway and welcomes her into his bachelor pad, which is everything she expects from a single man; simple and plain furnishings. She smiles. “You know for a wealthy man you have terrible decorating skills,” she says with a grin.

“Well maybe it’s time I find a beautiful lady like yourself to make it complete, ya know? With all the necessary stylish décor and whatnot.”

“Perhaps.”

“I think it’s about time I start to focus on retiring from this crazy racket and leave a successor to handle things from here. What you think baby girl?”

“That sounds great. What you plan to do in retirement?”

“Relax. I don’t know. Go see something different in the world. Maybe spend the rest of my days with you.”

Her heart rate begins to accelerate. Her thoughts begin to spin in a chaotic orbit. “That sounds inviting,” she finally lets the words escape from her.

“We should toast to our future together baby,” he says as he goes to grab a bottle of expensive wine he had imported from Argentina.

“Yes we should,” she says with a smile.

He pops the cork and pours the wine into two decorative wine glasses. “Wow. Nice glasses. Okay so there is some hope for you and achieving style,” she says with a smile.

Jewel offers a shy grin and hands her the glass of wine. He places the glass to his lips but doesn’t sip. He watches her take a couple sips then set the glass on the nearest table. It only takes a minute before she begins to feel queasy and falls onto the sofa. Sankara cannot speak. She struggles as Jewel steps to her.

“Amazing what a little succinylcholine can do, huh? I’m sorry Sankara,” Jewel says, “I hate to see this happen to you. I hate to have to do this to you. I really did like you, but in this savage jungle no one can be trusted. I knew you were working for the Feds and Kayo. He’s really got it in for me, huh? So I will send your body to him with the message.”

As she draws her final breath, Jewel says aloud, “The message: the war is back on Kayo.”

 

by GAIYAIOBI XZANDIS-ZAEVAN
© All rights reserved 2016

Hellja Yule

Slashing Through The Snow
With A One Horse Open Slay.
Over Feels We Go,
Laughing All The Way.
That Horse Is Mean And Rank,
Setting Spirits Alight.
What Fun It Is To Kill And String
Her Up By The Toes Tonight, Hey!

Tingly Hell, Jingly Hell,
Dingle All The Way!
Oh, What Fun It Is To Ride
In A One Horse Open Slay, Hey!
Tingly Hell, Jingly Hell,
Dingle All The Way!
Oh, What Fun It Is To Ride
In A One Horse Open Slay!

A Day Or Two Ago,
I Thought I’d Take A Ride.
And Soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was Found On The Hillside.
She Was So Lean And Lank.
Misfortune Seemed Her Draw.
She Stuck Out Like A Plank,
Knee-Deep In Frosty Snow, Hey!

Tingly Hell, Jingly Hell,
Dingle All The Way!
Oh, What Fun It Is To Ride
In A One Horse Open Slay, Hey!
Tingly Hell, Jingly Hell,
A Merry Holiday!
Miss Bright Is White Like A Virgin Bride;
A Dream For Every Fiancé!

A Day Or Two Ago,
A Story I Did Tell,
To Get You In The Snow
And On Your Back Be Felled.
So Then When I Rode By
In My One Horse Open Slay,
I Laughed Up Sprawling Lies
Then Made My Get Away, Hey!

Oh, Singey Hell, Jingly Hell,
Dingle All The Way!
Oh What Fun It Is To Ride
In A One Horse Open Slay, Hey!
Dingy Hell, Batman Smells,
A Blood Soaked Holiday!
I’m Finally Free With My Horsey,
My Murder Weapon Slay!

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2015