CALIXIAN // Ranting Up the Wazoo

I am in a crappy mood. That’s why I’ve decided to kill Darwin this very day. Somehow. And quirkily.

I’m wandering around in the shed when I stumble upon a dusty, old megaphone. This could be exactly what I need! “Darwin, baby, come here! I have something for you.” I can barely contain my glee.

Darwin’s tumbled head pops in at the door. He’s looking at me with curiosity. It’s definitely one of his best traits. He’s as curious as a kitten. I crook my finger at him, beckoning him closer. Darwin enters the shed.

I take my time. I want to savor the pleasure. I smear half a bottle of grease over Darwin’s mop then meticulously comb it back. Then I pick the nastiest tie I can find from a dingy, old wardrobe in the corner of the shed. Yes, the orange tie with the big blue hot-dogs. That should do it.

Darwin twists and turns before the mirror on the wardrobe door, giggling. He obviously thinks it’s a funny role-playing game. Perhaps he’s now imagining that I’ll put on a nurse’s costume, or dress like Harley Quinn, or like a big violet papulose lobster. Frankly, I neither know nor care what this pervert daydreams about.

I take another look at him. Darwin is smiling like a brewer’s horse. He’s shining like a spit-and-polished samovar. I don’t recall him ever being this happy, and certainly not since that time he won ten measly greens in bingo. I feel something approaching a light pang of conscience, but I shake it off. I have to finish this game.

I need a finishing touch. I survey the shed interior before noticing a shabby leather suitcase in another corner. Perfect! Feeling like real Pygmalion, I thrust it into Darwin’s hand and take a step back to admire my handiwork for a moment. It’s unbelievable but Darwin looks even worse than he usually does. Is that even possible? It seems that, yes, it is.

Darwin shoots me a questioning look, waiting for whatever’s next. I push a megaphone into his arms, give him a wink in return, then abruptly push him outside. I slam the door. Right before his nose. Take that!

Darwin knocks insistently, begging to be let in, but not for too long. Curiosity killed the cat, I suppose. I know that a protest movement on the next street over will soon catch his attention. And I know that he always jumps at the chance to rant about his favorite topics, especially now that he has the megaphone and some sympathetic listeners around.

There’s a knock at the door.

Darwin’s tumbled head pops into my bedroom. I barely have time to minimize my window.

“Calix, dinner’s ready. Come and get it!”

“Sure.”

By the time I’m leaving the bedroom, the Sim Darwin is standing on the suitcase, shouting frothily into the megaphone. “Death is supposed to be the last, great refuge for troubled minds!” he squawks. “From ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and into the big black!” His face is flushed. The tie hung loose. Darwin is as cute and convincing as Lenin on the armored car in 1917.

Meanwhile, the Grim Reaper stands just around a nearby corner, wry faced and skittishly rubbing a scythe. He doesn’t like anyone ranting about death too much, you know.

I step into the kitchen and give Darwin the biggest smile I can muster.

“What do we have for dinner?”

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA
© All rights reserved 2018

T.U.F.T.

Red:
Once upon a time
you sought to make me jibbly,
like a high strung cat
in a room of rocking chairs.
Yeah, to catch me unawares.

Gray:
I’m a decent Wolf
with noble, argent frosting.
I’m a devotee
of traditional virtues
and classical demerits.

Red:
Ogled all you want
then got mad ’cos I don’t care,
big bad Mr Wolf.
No matter how hard you tried.
Stalking while I kept my stride.

Gray:
I consume infants
exclusively on Shabbat,
with Benedictions,
exalted piety, and
the moral standards of tales.

Red:
Bitch, you’re not hearing!
What’s with the home invasion?
You’re not welcome here
and no one eats my Grandma.
Yeah, I know you’re not her. Ha!

Gray:
What is this I hear?
Auh! Such a churl young lady!
Tell your melamed
he must do his work better!
Spare the rod and spoil the child!

Red:
Dolt! Isn’t the rod
more fun? Discipline is hot,
but you’re psychotic!
I don’t date nutters, you know.
You can never have me. Go!

Gray:
Aaron’s rod devours
the other rods… oh! Honey,
may we change a pose?
This danged tail rubs sore my ass!
Next time you’ll be Gray, OK?

 

by TETIANA ALEKSINA & TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2015