¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?

Dear readers, I wrote a letter to Santa. Yup. I really did. In it, I spilled my guts. I bared my soul even. Hell, I was mortifyingly earnest. Isn’t that just well-meaning stupidity in disguise? Ugh. Anyway.

I informed Santa that I’ve decided not to celebrate Christmas this year, or in any year going forth. As an embittered former Christian it’s something I can no longer, in all good conscience, do. And as someone who hasn’t then gone the whole kit and caboodle and converted to atheism, it does make things a bit tricky socially speaking.

You see, some of my atheist chums ask me why I don’t just boycott Christmas, like it’s my goddamn duty or something. They wave their little magazines in my face, evangelising me, expecting me to be inspired and galvanised. Apparently, I’m supposed to display some newfound passion about my newfound liberation from the tired old shackles of religion.

But really, I couldn’t be arsed. Not when they’re foisting titles like Fairy Tale Crushers Quarterly or Militant Mind Monkeys Monthly or Dawkins’s Dick Butter Digest in my face. How can I be expected to swallow that? Even the covers with their smug tag lines put me off. “Freethink like us or we’ll laugh at you!” Okay. They do realise people have been laughing at me my entire life, yes? It’s not exactly a threat. I mean, it’s not eternal damnation or anything. Try harder, atheists! Actually, no, don’t. You’re as annoying as the theists.

God, I’m so tired. When did people start giving such gorilla-sized shits about what others think? I just could not be that arsed. Hell, my thoughts probably come out of my arse so who am I to be policing everyone else’s brain turds? Seriously, I’m not that invested. I just want a cup of tea and a nice lie down. I mean, how can they possibly maintain the requisite amount of fulminating engagement 24/7? They have to sleep some time! Do they sleep angry? God, I hate social justice warriors. They’re so fucking exhausting.

I hate Christmas. That’s the one thing I will agree with the atheists on. All those wasted childhood years praying for a better looking face. No wonder I feel so aggrieved. Christians say Jesus is the reason for the season. Okay. So where were you, Jesus, when I needed my merry miracle makeover? Off pumping Kim Kardashian full of the good DNA no doubt. What a cheap bastard. And what a bitch for hogging it.

My face. God. It looks like it was regifted. Some unlucky, hopelessly damned soul must have received this face one Christmas, gone “AUGH!” then crammed it back in its wrapping paper and regifted it to me the following Christmas. “Oh, Tony will have it. He likes weird shit.” “Oh, thanks. I guess I gotta wear this now so I don’t hurt your feelin’s or nothin’.” Still, I suppose it could’ve been worse. I could’ve been regifted a box of used condoms.

But is this all I’ve been reduced to? Covering over the crushing disappointment that is life with gaudy tinsel? Making everything Christmas to within an inch of its goddamn life, godammit? Screw social convention! It doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s not like I can drape Christmas over a pile of dead puppies and suddenly everything’s okay. No one looks at a pile of dead puppies draped with Christmas and says, “D’aaawww… Let’s go carolling!” I’ve tried to fit in with this holiday season malarkey. Truly, I’ve tried. But it’s not working.

One thing I did do was to grow my hair out. I figured if I could grow it long enough, it’d cover my face and entire body, and I’d look like a wookie. Then I could finally rejoin society because, you know, everyone’s worshiping the new Star Wars right now. Which means they’ve gotta love me, right? I’d be famous! I’d get invited to comic conventions, sit on panels and sign tits. Lovely! It’s what I’ve always wanted. Hell, I wouldn’t even have to be articulate. All I’d need to say is “GAAARRRGGGHHH!” in answer to everything. Fans would lap that shit up. They’d be lining up for decades, waiting for autographed pics of themselves swooning over my immaculately groomed wookie weenie.

So, anyway, I wrote Santa a letter. In it, I told him of my esteem obliterating ennui. Yes, I told him that I’m tired. That I think I need to go to sleep now. Maybe for good. I recommended that he not get me anything this year, that he keep the extra he would’ve spent buying me a Robot Action Smurf and get himself a shot of egg nog or a beard mitten instead. I don’t know. Whatever floats Santa’s boat. Oh, sorry. Sleigh. I meant sleigh.

God, I suck.

Anyway, dear readers, I apologise for this. I don’t wish to burden you with my unburdening. Have a sack load of festive humbugs on me.

Yours grudgingly,
Scroogey McScrooge.

PS: I burnt the letter and sent Santa a Facebook message instead. He still hasn’t friended me. He’s probably chilling somewhere on a Majorcan beach with hookers, blow and a toddy. What a tosser.

by TONY SINGLE
© All rights reserved 2016

127 thoughts on “¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?”

  1. It doesn’t take but a little time to learn that Christmas has nothing to do with Christ’s birth but with politics of the time and now politics and commercialism. Everything from the tree to the decorations on it, to Santa, to leaving cookies, rain deer, elves, all of it has nothing to do with Christianity.

    I am not usually so blunt when people ask me why I don’t celebrate Christmas but since you’ve grown accustomed to my frank speech I’ll just tell it like it is: I don’t celebrate Christmas because it’s disrespectful to Jesus and to his Father who never, not once, asked us to celebrate the birth of his Son. Even the date Christmas falls on has nothing to do with Christianity. This is the holiday that most turns my stomach.

    I’m by far not an atheist, but I don’t celebrate Christmas because I love Jesus too much to openly and knowingly offend him with this nonsense attached to his name.

    Faith

    Liked by 3 people

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    • In regards to your being blunt, Faith, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have to say I admire your stance on Christmas. You’re right, of course, in that nowhere does the Bible say to celebrate it. There’s a whole lot of extraneous stuff associated with the nativity scene that beggars belief really. It makes you wonder how that all got added over time.

      Liked by 1 person

    • “It makes you wonder how that all got added over time.”
      not really, no. about an hours worth of research will give you the reason for the date of Christmas. The date coincides with the Invincible Sun (not Son). A little reading will tell you about all that’s involved in it, including why people dress up a tree, the goats / rain deer. A little bit of reason and knowledge of ancient Israel will tell people that Christ wasn’t born in the winter. Yes, he was born in a manager but those weren’t the best circumstances to have a child under so why must one keep bringing up the fact that he was laying in manger with animals around him?

      The Christmas lie keeps Christ a helpless baby. The next thing they do is immortalize a instrument of death. Seriously?

      So who was Jesus as a person? He had brother’s and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins. He worked under his father as an apprentice which is how he was able to work to keep his family fed when his stepfather Joseph died. Joseph died sometime when Jesus was a late teen which left Jesus to take on the active role as man of the house, as a bread winner. Jesus was a hard worker, being known as a carpenter.

      He was from blended family that wasn’t wealthy. He enjoyed time with his friends, more than likely had a best friend the Apostle John. He respected women. Jesus laughed, went to festivals, marriages, enjoyed good wine, cried with those who mourned. He was a human being with feelings, not just a fairy tale in a hay scene that sits in front of a church once a year.

      A bit of reading and some thinking will lead people to the real way Christmas came about, from head to toe how it came about. It’s no secret. No one needs to wait for WikiLeaks to reveal the real reason for Christmas celebrations.

      I’m done… no need to obsess, it’s just that there’s so much more to Christ than people really talk about. They forget he was a well rounded individual with real life experiences. He’s not just a name on old papers. He is not one denominational, nor is he mysterious.

      Faith

      Liked by 2 people

  3. OK Tony, join all us non-beleivers (not Christian/not Atheiest) and become a Fesivus Fan….watch this Utube video and have a shot of Tequila, my thoughts are with you!! I wrote a letter to santa one year when I was down and out and had no money and published it in the newspaper…I got a Bread maker out of it! Yes!! Happy Festivius!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbfMmCf5-ds
    ps….Camera’s hate me and I was called “Bird” all through highschool, voted 2nd ugliest in grade 7, so I also wasn’t blessed with Kim Kardashin’s Botoxed face and sterilized pig lard butt, but I’m a Beauty and so are you !! Cheers! Mate!! Teresa 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

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  4. At age five, my mother’s parents decided they were going to join a cult–I mean the Kingdom Hall. Jehovah’s Witnesses are considered Christians (which boggles MY mind) and they don’t celebrate Christmas, or any other holiday. My mother was disfellowshipped at age 16, so good news for me! When I was born, my family celebrated Christmas, the heathens we all were (are).

    But, seriously, Tony. I get the core of this post. And I appreciate it.

    Liked by 3 people

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    • I can’t imagine a world where people who love Christmas don’t get to celebrate it. That would actually be awful, so I’m glad you and your family got to do just that in the end! And thank you. I really appreciate you reading and just ‘getting’ it. 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  6. What an interesting read. Made me laugh, made me think about crying, made me nod in agreement, “since when did people start giving gorilla sized…” and would love to just have a cup of tea and lie down, one of my favourite things to do actually, seems to be the best time for me creatively. Heck, I’m lying down right now.
    As a believer, I ponder what Christmas has become. It bewilders me quite frankly. I just want to be with loved ones too, (and lets be honest, that doesn’t necessarily mean just family!) and, well, just have a great time. ugh so tired of the commercialism. In fact, we’re trying to convince everyone not to give us anything at all…will keep you posted on how that works out if you’re interested lol.
    But I do wonder about the face thing. I can’t help asking, are you okay? 🙂
    PS you might get a kick out of this, I went to see Rogue One today with hubby, FIL and BIL…just before it started, the fire alarm went off! Burst pipe. Half the cinema flooded. Now I’ll be thinking of you when we see it and I know I’ll laugh too hard! I do that. It seriously annoys children.
    Thanks for the interesting read.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • Oh my lord! Did you get to see the film after all? I’ve heard it’s way cool! A flooded cinema is a sad cinema really. 😛

      As for what it’s become… yeah, Christmas is rather a different beast, isn’t it? I look at it and I’m not so sure I recognise it. I’m rather tempted to hibernate like the bears do, just to skip the whole thing. It’d be an epic nap, I can tell you!

      As for my face, it’s not okay, but I am. I have two people in my life that love it just the way it is, so I really shouldn’t complain. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    • No we didn’t. I mean, I was there with a bag load of smuggled in candy *cough*, a FIL who never goes to the movies, a pair of cool 3D glasses on my head…I would’ve sat there with wet carpet! But they were worried there might be electrocution issues…
      So we did get free tix. And a photo by the fire truck. 🙂
      Poor Christmas. There are elements I love about it. My favourite thing was when we lived in Colorado, we had a late Christmas Eve service…if it snowed, even better because I love the quiet of it. I loved the peaceful, contemplative nature of it. It was beautiful.
      On the flipside, if our community wants to do fireworks and lights, I’m all for it, as I love parties, and I think our gloomy world needs some of that. But I don’t like to pretend it’s about Jesus. I mean, the name should really have Santa in it. Haha I read in the paper once some people were mad with the religious community for trying to ‘take over Christmas as well.’ oh what a mess. Festivus might be a great alternative hahaha that made me laugh so hard!

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I like Christmas for the photographic opportunities 🙂 not so much for the religion bit. (Anyways, how do you know you didn’t get a better face, maybe you’d have a worse one if you hadn’t prayed to Jesus 😉 ) Plus I saw that profile pic of you and you look OK in that, maybe not Chris Hemsworth, but definitely OK 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

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  8. Reading this posting made my day. I was in a really “cunty” mood for some reason or another, I don’t know why, but this just made me laugh. Thanks Tony. Yes, Christmas is really about friends and family and if you can infuse as much laughter as stuffing you stick up a turkey’s anus, then you are a good man Charlie Brown. Harlon (insert Rocky and Bullwinkle segment here).

    Liked by 3 people

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  9. ROFLMAO!!!
    “Dawkin’s Dick Butter Digest” – best title ever!
    XD

    You have it absolutely right…the spirit of the holidays, whichever one celebrates, is all about friends and family, and the love we have for them.
    😎

    Liked by 3 people

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